New kid on the Block

I have no idea what I'm doing with this blog thing. The phenomenon feels like it has totally gotten out of hand and for some reason I refuse to join the mayhem; therefore putting myself in a position where it feels like I either need to throw in the towel and play like the other kids or leave the group all together. It is all irrational thinking, but I keep reading these random blogs where nameless, faceless people just ramble on and on... like they're the only one on the planet. I understand that this may be the point for a lot of bloggers out there- it gives them a space to let it out- safely. I used to think "blogging" was a good playground for creativity, and while I still may believe that to be true, part of me believes it's also a trap for isolation. I can't help but wonder what all of these bloggers would blog about if they were a little bit more integrated into society and a little less attached to their computers. I'm not one for talking, let alone talking about myself in a group or even face to face with another - face, so I completely understand the desire to release random thoughts, opinions and nonsense from our minds, and to be able to do this freely and in a sheltered space is quite enticing. The problem comes when we find ourselves only "blogging" and rarely communicating on an intimate level. Human to human contact is not only a lost art, but is so strangely unfamiliar with so many people I can't help but think our society would be a little more enriched if blogging never existed. Yikes, that's a pretty strong statement - I know.About 4 years ago someone suggested to me that I should think about getting a "blog" and I pretty much laughed in their face because I had just finished telling them I wanted to be a "writer". At that time I really didn't understand what it meant to be a blogger almost to the point where it felt like I could be doing something illegal if I attempted it. He continued to list off individuals, like well known rock stars and other people I only knew by name- all who had blogs. Nothing registered, I had no idea what it meant to have a blog and no desire to find out. As time went by, I continued to think about this writing thing and decided that this was how I was going to make my living. I was going to be a writer-period. How cool would it be to not have to get up and go to work everyday, but instead sit around and think, eat, drink, go running and write everyday. I still think that's cool, only now I don't think about doing it- I am doing it and it's not at all as I imagined it to be. First of all I'm not making enough money at writing so I have to continue to wake up at a certain time and get myself to the boring job that pays me; second of all while I sit around eating, drinking and thinking, it's only because I'm in such a frustrated state- it's paralyzing me. But I refuse to believe I can't have it all so the query letters will continue to get sent out and book will hopefully get finished.Three years ago my first official writing piece was accepted in a national magazine and I was so elated when I got the phone call I started screaming before I had a chance to hang up the phone... that was three years ago. I have since had a couple of small pieces published as well, but nothing as grand as that first piece. What happened? That was supposed to jump start everything- no such luck. So here I am in the Summer of 2005, so frustrated with rejection letters and callous editors that I have reduced myself to blogging. Sorry,but that's how it feels and when I continually read senseless posts that go nowhere; I get nervous that I'm going to fall into that same abyss. I'm not sure what eventually brought me to blogging but that's really not important; what is significant is that for some reason I'm becoming obsessed with it and I'm intent on making it work for me in some form. On the positive side blogging has obviously gotten me to sit at my computer and write instead of wasting time on random internet sites, and it has given me a structured space to attempt to write potential articles. Great- how boring is that. On the down side I can't think about anything to write about and I refuse to, as my friend mac likes to quote "slice a vein and splash blood on the page" for fear my writing will become sloppy and without meaning so I don't post anything.So here I sit attempting to write my forth post-and for what? So that I can go to sleep feeling like I accomplished something? Maybe in the big picture that's all I need right now. If writing a blog gets me to sit still, stay focused and begin and end something then hip hip hooray for blogging. I'll figure out how to fit into this thing somehow, but for now I guess hanging out with it will just have to do. Oh, and forgive me for saying anything negative about blogging, part of it is jealousy and part of it is struggle- and I know everyone can relate to that.