Some Things Never Change

Thirteen years is a long time. Think about how you were at the age of fifteen, then again at the age of twenty eight- quite a change right? I have a hard time remembering all that has happened within the last thirteen years of my life, but I do know that significant things have occurred; things happened back then that not only shape who I am today, but also what kind of person I picture myself becoming in the future. Thankfully I am today a much stronger, happier, more fulfilled person than I was 13 years ago, but I know I never would be at the place I am without having experienced all that I did-good and bad.Last week when I was on vacation I met up with a friend of mine for about three hours. We had 3 beers a piece, a cup of clam chowder, a burger-some fries, exchanged small talk, laughed a bit, split the tab, walked outside and said good bye, then went our separate ways- as if we'd be seeing each other the next day. While we were hanging at the bar it certainly felt very familiar and it was as if we do this thing every week, only we hadn't actually seen each other for over thirteen years. Like I said, quite a long time. We have spoken on the phone- maybe twice within that time and drunken phone messages have been left filled with birthday greetings. There may have been two or three Christmas cards exchanged and the big connection was made when 9/11 happened- it was a simple phone call on my part confirming she hadn't been injured in the whole event. I knew she lived in New York, but that's all I knew. All in all what was once a very tight friend of mine at one time had virtually exited my life. I'm not 100% sure why we eventually lost connection over the years because after last week it didn't really feel like any negative vibes have ever got between us and I still don't believe anything energetically has.When I met her I was in my twenties, living and working on Cape Cod in the summer and if I remember correctly was kind of a little punk -in some ways. I can't recall the why's or how's of our introduction, but none of that seems important, what's significant is how well we connected on a daily basis. We worked together and hung out together. I drove and she navigated- or she drove and I hung out; whatever happened, it seemed to work and we became pretty close friends. Everything was easy- but then again I was in my twenties, it was summertime, I made great money and spent 99.9% of it on alcohol. Fifteen to twenty years ago I had no worries, no fear, sometimes no feeling, no sense of who I was or what I wanted to be, no sense of style, little or no regard for others, lots of anger, some depression which I either ignored or thought was "cool" to have, I had a high tolerance for alcohol, a carefree but probably unauthentic attitude towards life, I was quick to pass judgment, slept in my clothes, spoke without thinking and had a warped desire to find meaning in everything. I dated boys, wore sweatshirts five times too large for my body, I never showed my emotions, wasn't extremely comfortable with sex and believed being alone in life was the best way to go. I had lots of fun, seemed to love my life, never used sun screen or got my cholesterol checked and didn't really care what I looked like. I had a difficult time picturing myself in the future, but didn't see the point in that anyway.I was telling my friend the other day that I'm still the same person as I was when I knew her on those days at the beach, but at the same time thinking to myself just how amazingly different I am. Explaining that the bad stuff has disappeared allowing the good stuff to surface, isn't very easy to spell out. Plus it's hard to illustrate or talk about anything like that in a short three hour time span over a beer and a cup of chowder at 4:00 in the afternoon in the middle of vacation. I guess the obvious difference last week was the fact that my girlfriend (of 13 years) accompanied me and we only had three beers a piece, beyond that everything else was unnoticeable and probably would only be apparent if we shared a slice of life together. Not only have I matured greatly(thank god), but I smile a lot more-from the inside out. I still have an intense love for the beach and a huge love for music-much of which has stayed the same throughout the years, but I now wear clothes that fit me and I wouldn't even think about sleeping in them- no matter how tired or inebriated I may be.On the surface we could have so easily been in these exact seats doing the same exact thing fifteen years ago- only maybe looking a bit younger with plans to do a lot more for the rest of the evening. It felt strange to see my friend that day- strange but eerily comfortable as well. I didn't really want to discuss anything heavy and was unrealistically hoping to just pick up where we left off, which in a way we did. Seeing someone after so long of a time is somewhat anxiety provoking and feels a little bizzarro- plus what the hell do you talk about with each other after so much life has happened in between? It didn't feel like there was a necessity to explain everything that happened in our lives during that time span, it was kind of like it didn't matter. Our free spirit and love for Cape Cod is part of what connected us years ago and it also helped to re-connect us last week and I want to believe trust in ourselves will help us to move on from here. We did very well when we eventually hooked up that evening- it felt good to be in her presence again, but I remember feeling a bit sad the next day. As I told her in an e-mail when I returned home, I just wish it could continue.I have a lot of friends in my world now, but none from my past. I don't really like that fact , but I think it's because I don't want to remember my past. Most of my "current" friends are from the last 10 years of my life. It would have been nice to stay connected to my friends from the summers spent on Cape Cod not only because we had loads of fun but it felt like we spent important parts of our lives together and I still talk about things we did, places we went and situations we got ourselves into, they are engraved in my mind. A lot happens to us in our twenties; we learn what we want out of life and hopefully begin to become adults. It's kind of a trial and error time which is why it can be so enjoyable and torturous at the same time. I'd like to believe there was so much transition for me during those years that for some reason I had a need to disconnect from what was familiar in order to figure things out-or figure life out.The night before I left for vacation I was strangely obsessed with burning a mixed CD. The timing couldn't have been worse due to lack of time and attention needed for such a chore, but I kept telling myself I needed it for the rental car... Seven days later I ended up handing it over to my friend at the bar. A conversation came up about music and she was telling me that she still listens to some of my mixed tapes from years ago. Music and mixed tapes were always a huge part of our existence back then. I didn't even finish the CD that night, because I had to get to bed, but now I know why I felt compelled to burn it and very content to give it away. She had a long drive home to Boston and that CD was ironically perfect for the occasion. Like I said, some things never change... and I'm really glad some things do.