The power of now

Every Saturday I go for a run down to the lakefront, it’s only about a mile down but to make it longer I do a huge loop. Today I wore my Boston Red Sox knit hat because my blogging buddy Kelly got me all excited about New England and baseball season. Damn her. It’s still 40 degrees with no warm up in sight; but as chilly as it was on the lake a hint of spring was definitely in the air. The sun has real warmth to it and you can tell by the sky that it’s not January sun. Just a little while longer I guess.

I have an uncontrollable need to run down to lake whenever I go out because it oddly feels like an escape into endless possibility. I can’t breathe during the week, mentally or physically because of the state of mind I’m in these days. I’ve been feeling trapped, stuck, frustrated, and today- quite sad. I’m not happy with where I am in my life and I want things to change. When I run down to the lake my mind opens up and I can breath. I’m usually able to write a potential article or post in my head every time or get some sort of inspiring thought along the way. Monday through Friday I’m shut down and it sucks big time. I hate my job because of how mind numbing it actually is. I work in a basement which is kind of ironic because I remember wanting to spend endless amounts of time in my basement as a little kid; by myself with my records. I don’t want to do it anymore, now I have my CD’s, but it doesn’t feel good. It’s not like I don’t see the light of day from 9-4, I get outside once in awhile and head to the other part of the building where the sky light and doors are but the trapped feeling remains. I made the decision many, many years ago that I would never put myself into a job that I hated, so I worked in the music buisness and life was grand. No money, but life was grand. Then somehow I ended up in the job I am in now and have been there for close to 9 or 10 years-I don’t even know. I never hated my job and I don’t really hate it now, I’m just fed up with everything surrounding it and my mind is turning to mush. The job has been very enjoyable over the years: entertaining, comfortable, easy, pays well, good insurance, flexibility around my schedule, no weekends and I’ve made some long lasting friendships. All of that has been wonderful but over the last year or so it has become increasingly unbearable to be there. My soul is not aligned with my work and when that happens -look out. I try to accept the frustration as a positive force because now maybe I’ll make some sort of move, whereas for the last 8 years I’ve been basking in the convenience of the job and meandering through life.

There are too many times in a week that I say ‘I don’t want to do this”, or “I wish …”, or “I want…” I’m tired of wanting for more when all I really have to do is go out and get it; that’s the hard part. That’s what takes determination, discipline, commitment, hard work, and lots of faith. I don’t want it to be warm out when it’s not, I don’t want to be driving a 1990 Toyota Camry that was handed to me from my girlfriends parents when all I want is a Jeep Wrangler. I don’t want to come home from work and turn on the TV or computer and pour a glass of red wine when what I really want is to step out onto my porch with brarefeet and a beer because it’s too hot for red wine. I don’t want to dream about heading to Cape Cod for two months in the summer when all I get is a week in August with my parents. (not that I’m not thankful for that), I don’t want to work in a basement, I want to be creative from my own home, I want kids to have already read my picture book and not hate the fact that it’s really only in idea form on my computer. I don’t want to argue with my girlfriend about money, all I want to do is spend it with her and not have to worry, and I don’t want to blog about what I want, I’d rather live the live I’ve imagined where I've imagined it.

I’ve made the decision to make my living as a writer about two years ago. I was fortunate to get published within that first year and then again a bit later but nothing since and I’m starting to worry. I’m concerned because I know in my heart of hearts I don’t want to go the freelance route-that completely sucks. I’m not sure how I want to write or even if I want to write at all. I actually hate the act of writing. I’ve recently hired a writing coach to help me along. At times I feel guilty with wanting more when so many people have less, but I keep telling myself that they can have more to-everyone can. On my run I was thinking about how much I actually do have in my life and to try to concentrate on that instead when I remembered The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s a great spiritual teacher. When I came back from my run I remembered we had some The Power of Now inspirational cards collecting dust under our coffee table and I opened it up. The one on top was “the power of being present.”

The struggle with the power of being present in life is one that haunts me; and one I need to work on because I know it could help me out. My partner and I are very spiritual people; not in the religious sense, but in the universal sense. I believe that everything happens for a reason and we are all exactly where we are supposed to be at every moment. But that’s a difficult concept to grasp, especially when your mind tends to wander. I guess I’ll work on that tonight; C. Love comes home in two hours. I guess it’s time to get in the shower, get dinner figured out, clean up the mess I made from the day, chill the wine and be thankful I can do all that.

The card said this: "Make it a habit"- To monitor your mental-emotional state through self observation. "Am I at ease at this moment?" is a good question to ask yourself frequently. Or youcan ask: "What's going on inside me at this moment?". You want to know what I say to that? No and I'm starving.