macrame vs crochet

This one's for Trinity2.

Check out her most recent post on fashion faux pas. C. Love has informed me that it's actually 'crochet' not 'macrame' we're talking about. But either way I don't think she'd mind this one on the back of her bike...

Gay pride?

This weekend is "Gay Pride" weekend in Chicago with the parade happening on Sunday. I've always wondered about the so called gay pride: whether or not I have it or had a right to own it; I've missunderstood it, hated it and felt uncomfortable around it but most of all didn't want to be associated with it. I get it now, but it took me awhile.

So Sunday is the parade-the loud, sometimes obnoxious, colorful, sometimes embarrasing, GAY PRIDE PARADE!...yea! (?) I'm going to attend because the bottom line is that when I didn't go I felt like I wasn't being true myself or 'my people'. I'd watch it on t.v, or read about it in the paper the next day and feel like I was out of the loop, out of touch, kind of living in hiding -you know? I knew I was gay, I was out to everyone I knew, I was in a loving, healthy relationship with my partner of 5,6,7,8,9,10.... whatever years but I struggled with attending the parade because I couldn't relate to it. I'm not one to flaunt anything or make a huge deal out of something that just feels normal. Why do gay people need to look like a circus act?, why the hell are they so severe looking and bright? I never understood and still don't understand why the men choose to wear their underwear and jiggle around on floats or in the crowd looking like crazy people who equate being gay with being starved for sex all the time-and only sex all the time. The angel wings and feathers, infatuation with penises and boobs and bead stuff I don't get; the mayhem of the parade is what I don't want to be a part of but the celebration of being gay I'm all over.

It's really cool to be at the parade and feel the energy of the crowd. Everyone's happy and accepting, maybe because they're drunk and could care less but whatever; the atmoshere is electric still somewhat serene at the same time- it's strange. It's so nice to be surrounded by millions of people who are all pretty much there for the same simple reason: everything is o.k., we and they are o.k. Seeing so many gay people in one place is amazing and it really makes me stop and look at my own life in the context of the rest of the world.

We all have our little safe (or not so safe) lives with our partners or friends or just ourselves and it's east to get lost and stay stuck in that. Why shouldn't we, it's not so pleasant out there. It's actually kind of freaky sometimes. Whenever I go to the parade, there are times, in the middle, I get caught up in it and feel weak and almost tearful. I know it sounds goofy but it's because the parade is very emotional. There's an actual parade (a pretty big one) going on in honor of being gay... it's strange cus what's that? we're not used to that. We're used to feeling either ashamed or 'small', not important and celebrated. We watch the fucking "L word" and dream that we could live our lives as easily and confidently as those women do. Heres the thing: we should be celebrated because to live the live we are meant to live takes a lot of guts. And we do need support becase after all there is safty in numbers and that's a fact-damn it!

It takes alot of effort on my part to go to the gay pride parade because it's a long day with lots of annoying people-gay or not and there are times I feel trapped. Trapped from the crowd, the noise, the flamboyancy and the leather, but mostly from my own inhibitions. After the parade we have a party called "Girl Blast" to go to. It's in a parking lot behind a restaurant and it feels like every gay woman in Chicagoland is there. It's cool because it's all women, it's outside, it's entertaining, there's music, a grill and beer. It's a great way to top off gay pride weekend- no men allowed and it's easy. Now beer, grills, women, parking lots and being outside are all things I can feel totally comfortable with.

Cheers to you all and to gay pride however you choose to celebrate it.

I don't get it

I don't understand this look. I don't have time to post anything meaningful, but I saw way too many feet looking like this today and I don't get it. If anyone does this could you let me know WHY! I mean if your feet are deformed then you wouldn't even own a pair of sandals, right? And if you prefer to wear socks on your feet then why would you even think about wearing sandals; they are for 'airy" feet, breathable feet, hot weather, not for feet that want to be covered! So If you choose to wear socks on a 90 degree day then why in the hell do you choose to put sandals on top of them! I DON'T GET IT!

Look at those feet? What's up?!

What the...

Could someone please enlighten me and fill me in on what the hell the Gay Games are all about? What the fuck is this!! I have absolutely no idea why they got started, what they mean or why any 'gay' person would want to be involved in it. Plus I hear that the event is open to ANYBODY: gay or un-gay. What?! Why?!

I've known that these so called 'games' have been going on since 1982, but since I now live in Chicago I can't avoid them anymore; this crazy unexplained event is happening fifteen minutes away from me. I had to resort to asking my straight (religious) guy friend the other day if he knew what they were all about, since he listens to sports radio most of the day I thought they may have said something about it - but they didn't. I felt like a fool, like I should know what they represent, but instead I just took the position of "what the fuck!, all they (we, I) want is to be included- not seperated! At least that's all I want. NORMALCY people, we're looking for normalcy here. The "Gay Games" are anything but normal. They're strange.

I think the dude that started this event wanted to show the world that 'gay' people can run fast, jump high, and throw far... just like the straight people can. I don't know, maybe there's something I'm not getting here but look at the goofy poster for the event. That looks anything but 'normal' to me.

So can someone, anyone let me in on what the hell this all means?!

Clearing the air

Sometimes this blogging thing sucks. I wouldn't consider myself an amature at it anymore but there are times when I feel like the new kid on the block trying to figure out if people would prefer cupcakes or hot fudge sundaes. I like to think I'm a pretty good communicator in real life; whether that be advocating for myself, speaking for others or taking over for the group if we happen to not be getting anywhere. I usually tell it like it is without being crass and I'm pretty good at keeping other people's feelings in check when speaking. Bottom line: I'm pretty good with relationships... face to face.

Blogging has at times been very frustrating; it's tough saying stuff to a wall. At least when you're on the phone you can hear the other people breathing, sighing, snickering, gasping or you can hear the tone in their voice go up-and down. With blogging I get none of that, you get none of that- we get none of that. We have no idea when we write about something we may find funny, it's going to be preceived as humorous, or if we write about a certain subject that means 'x', someone else is going to think it means 'y'. I don't like not being able to see expressions and hear laughter. It's hard when I sense I've either hurt someone's feelings, touched a nerve, unknowingly made someone feel 'small', or when something I've said has been misconstrued and I can't set things straight immediately. I hate the lag time.

I've been struggling with this a bit in my last post and just like never wanting to go to bed angry, I don't want to move on until I get this out-whatever it may be. I realize people take away from posts whatever it is they can relate to, whether or not it's actually written about is where the confusion comes in. A comment is then made, and then another returned-then another and by now there's something going on. Bottom line: I'm no good at long distance relationships, I think they suck. I don't like not being able to make people understand what it was I was trying to say when I think they've missunderstood. It's hard enough to fix things face to face, this way is just annoying as hell.

No Fear

The other night we happen to be hanging out at a bar where for some reason the back room at this place is always where all the lesbians go. The gay men and straight couples stay in the front where it's non smoking and a little more inviting- go figure. We go to this place often because they have decent pub food, they show the "L Word", and because every once in awhile it's refreshing to hang out with mostly women- gay ones. So we stopped in for one last beer before calling it a night, headed straight to the bar stools in the pit (back room) and watched- sometimes in amazement, young drunk lesbians... just being themselves and it was very, very funny. The outfits alone are enough to keep you laughing. C.Love was asking me how I thought I would have been as a young, punk lesbian on the prowl and I told her I honestly didn't know, but I was thinking that I really wish I had the opportunity to do so.

Unfortunately at the age of 19 I was too angry with myself and the world around me to be aware of the fact that I was gay, let alone secure enough with myself to actually have any bold moves directed towards anyone-gay or un-gay. When I watch all these young women struting their stuff whether it's geeky or cool stuff, I get a little jealous. Shit, I wish I could go back to being single and a young punk with all the confidence, coolness and attractiveness I have now. I think I'd have a lot of fun to say the least! Unfortunately twenty years ago not only was it not anywhere near accepted as it is today to be gay, but any 'gay' bar was filled with creepy looking older men only. I guess the gay women were out trying to be discrete or actually most were probably masquerading as happy straight women with their boyfriends by their side.

It seems so easy these days to be gay and out and even though I completely understand the internal struggle with coming out or accepting one's self as such, I feel so badly for people that struggle with it- young or old. Since thankfully, after much tormoil, I am beyond all of that, I can see things a hell of a lot clearer now. Hiding your sexuality from your family, friends or yourself seems so old school and so much easier to let go of than to hold on to and it's all such a waste of time. But I know... all the issues, so many issues. I get it, believe me. When I was a freshman in college fooling around with my roomate who was a sophmore and had a boyfriend, acknowleding that I was gay was the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't gay, I was just simply attracted sexually to my hot, blond roomate! That was it and if you tried to tell me otherwise I had a wall set up so thick there was no way I heard a word you were saying. I understand that's what it's like for a lot of people, I hear about it all the time.

Anyway, back to what what I'm trying to say; I'm thankful to be where I am in my life with my sexuality and my relationship with C. Love, but sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to be young, single and confident in the 'gay scene' of today. If I were to guess, I'd be hanging with those young punks from the other night. And just like now, I'd be lounging on the couch or hanging at the bar waiting for the ladies to come to me instead of the other way around. I've always just played it cool only back then I was too confused to know what to do with it. I know it's pointless to wonder about what could have been if..., but sometimes I'd just like to know what I'd have in me as a young, carefree, fearless lesbian looking for love.

Don't forget to floss

How can the feeling be the same as when your were seven as it is at forty one? I get it because it's me; I'm the same little kid just in a bigger body and with more stuff going on in the mind, but this one particular event has been the same every year(or 6 months) for my entire life and I find it amazing.

After my dentist has scraped and brushed and pricked I always get the same result and lucky for me it's always been a good one. I've done what I've supposed to have done which is brush in between meals and flossed; I brush after I eat any meal and floss religiously. As soon as that bib gets taken off and I get handed that toothbrush that same exact feeling comes rushing in: a sense of accomlisment and pride.

When I was little my dentist's office was inside his home which was only four houses, down a hill and around the corner away. Since it was so close by my mom let me go by myself, which was a huge enough deal on its own. The trip home was an even bigger joy, as I just couldn't wait to bust in the kitchen door and announce "no cavities!" I can see it now: my little red messy pigtails, huge smile on my face, out of breath from the sprint up the hill home and toothbrush clutched in hand. My mom was always in the kitchen waiting; waiting to give me that big hug and kiss- that held me for the rest of the day. I threw down the toothbrush on the counter and out to play I went, as content as any little kid could be.

The other day it was all the same except my dentist office is now in the office building across from my job and I strolled out the door and back into work instead of sprinting home. But I still couldn't wait to get in the door and tell the first person I saw "no cavititis!" The feeling of clutching that toothbrush and announcing my results is exactly the same as it was back when the only thing that matered in my world was winning at kickball, walking the dog, and getting that kiss goodnight from my parents.

It's funny sometimes, (actually a lot of times) I can totally feel what it was like when I was young and innocent. I'm so thankful my life experiences haven't shrouded my sense of simplicity from childhood. If anything they've only enriched them.

Running wild

Today on my run I had so many random thoughts I thought I'd put them here to get them out of my head.

1. I wondered if I wasn't myself and saw me running, if I would look twice. You know, check me out...

2. I feel guilty when I do notice people (women) checking me out because I'm imagining they are thinking wow, she must work out a lot. And I really don't, I'm just very lucky to have the body I do and am able to eat whatever the hell I want. If they only knew that I have a little belly, (beer) and I'm really kind of lazy.

3. I was thinking about zoe's last post about 'fate' and meeting her partner, B.P. Then my mind went to a comment someone made about it, sounding sweet and quirky. I find it cool hearing about that kind of stuff, especially when it's between two women and the universe obviously having a plan for them to hook up. That's not "cute" that's mind blowing.

4. I was thinking thank god it's finally June and in the same moment, shit, it's finally June. That means September is not to far away.

5. I click on soooo many blogs and can't stay focused on a lot of them- I just don't connect.

6. Why is it the one car that I want is over twenty years old. I want one of those old 1980's Toyota Land Cruisers. I always have, and still do.

7. Why does my Dad have a "home nurse"? I'm so relieved he's back home now, but he's not out of the woods yet.

8. I love being outside, I really don't like to run, but I love being in shape.

9. I can't stand the smell in a hospital; I can't stand being in a hospital...keep running...

10. I have a date tonight with C.Love. Yipee!

11. FUCK! tomorrow is sunday, then it's Monday...

12. Why the hell are there at least 3 babies, or small children (2-3 yrs) on the beach without pants on. One of them is running around naked. I don't get it, if the kid is in public PUT SOME CLOTHES ON IT! I don't want to see anyone running around with just a diaper on, it's gross.

13. That brought me to public pools-totally disgusting.

14. It's kind of cool outside. Cool as in chilly.

15. I wonder if anyone looked at C.Love's website today- she's so gifted at what she does, it's amazing. Check it out and pass along to anyone who you think could use it!

16. Here's my street, I'm hungry now.