Gay pride?

This weekend is "Gay Pride" weekend in Chicago with the parade happening on Sunday. I've always wondered about the so called gay pride: whether or not I have it or had a right to own it; I've missunderstood it, hated it and felt uncomfortable around it but most of all didn't want to be associated with it. I get it now, but it took me awhile.

So Sunday is the parade-the loud, sometimes obnoxious, colorful, sometimes embarrasing, GAY PRIDE PARADE!...yea! (?) I'm going to attend because the bottom line is that when I didn't go I felt like I wasn't being true myself or 'my people'. I'd watch it on t.v, or read about it in the paper the next day and feel like I was out of the loop, out of touch, kind of living in hiding -you know? I knew I was gay, I was out to everyone I knew, I was in a loving, healthy relationship with my partner of 5,6,7,8,9,10.... whatever years but I struggled with attending the parade because I couldn't relate to it. I'm not one to flaunt anything or make a huge deal out of something that just feels normal. Why do gay people need to look like a circus act?, why the hell are they so severe looking and bright? I never understood and still don't understand why the men choose to wear their underwear and jiggle around on floats or in the crowd looking like crazy people who equate being gay with being starved for sex all the time-and only sex all the time. The angel wings and feathers, infatuation with penises and boobs and bead stuff I don't get; the mayhem of the parade is what I don't want to be a part of but the celebration of being gay I'm all over.

It's really cool to be at the parade and feel the energy of the crowd. Everyone's happy and accepting, maybe because they're drunk and could care less but whatever; the atmoshere is electric still somewhat serene at the same time- it's strange. It's so nice to be surrounded by millions of people who are all pretty much there for the same simple reason: everything is o.k., we and they are o.k. Seeing so many gay people in one place is amazing and it really makes me stop and look at my own life in the context of the rest of the world.

We all have our little safe (or not so safe) lives with our partners or friends or just ourselves and it's east to get lost and stay stuck in that. Why shouldn't we, it's not so pleasant out there. It's actually kind of freaky sometimes. Whenever I go to the parade, there are times, in the middle, I get caught up in it and feel weak and almost tearful. I know it sounds goofy but it's because the parade is very emotional. There's an actual parade (a pretty big one) going on in honor of being gay... it's strange cus what's that? we're not used to that. We're used to feeling either ashamed or 'small', not important and celebrated. We watch the fucking "L word" and dream that we could live our lives as easily and confidently as those women do. Heres the thing: we should be celebrated because to live the live we are meant to live takes a lot of guts. And we do need support becase after all there is safty in numbers and that's a fact-damn it!

It takes alot of effort on my part to go to the gay pride parade because it's a long day with lots of annoying people-gay or not and there are times I feel trapped. Trapped from the crowd, the noise, the flamboyancy and the leather, but mostly from my own inhibitions. After the parade we have a party called "Girl Blast" to go to. It's in a parking lot behind a restaurant and it feels like every gay woman in Chicagoland is there. It's cool because it's all women, it's outside, it's entertaining, there's music, a grill and beer. It's a great way to top off gay pride weekend- no men allowed and it's easy. Now beer, grills, women, parking lots and being outside are all things I can feel totally comfortable with.

Cheers to you all and to gay pride however you choose to celebrate it.