Recipe for love... at least that's my goal

This week was a sucky, horrible week for various reasons that I won't bore you with, but I refused to end it on a down note so I developed a plan mid morning on Friday to help me kick start the weekend. My goal, and it felt like a huge one to concour, was to attempt find some of the the magic C. Love and I have lost. There are some changes going on within each of us these days and we are trying our hardest to not let it affect our relationship, but in a way that's virtually impossible. It completely sucks. Bottom line: she needs more connection, I need more space; she needs to "talk", I don't want to talk at all; she wants to figure out what's going on at all times and I want to bolt- These dynamics don't make it easy to enjoy each other's company. But I'm here to at least help to distract us from 'life', focus on what works and enjoy a fabulous meal in the process. I told her I was going to make dinner earlier in the day, with a thought in the back of my mind that my superior cooking skills, excellent taste in music and undeniable charm would win her back to me- at least for the evening.

The menu was as follows:

Grilled lamb chops with fresh rosemary, thyme, garlic and olive oil
Twice baked mashed potato with a little parmasan cheese
Sauteed green beans with toasted almond
Some warm crusty, rustic bread
Red wine

I stopped at the store on the way home, picked up the goods, rushed home and popped open the wine. She was on a buisness call when I got home so that allowed me to prep without her knowing. By prepping I mean prepare the food as well as myself. After she shut down the office for the night I greeted her with a glass of wine, a smile on my face and open arms...

I am happy to report it worked... phew.

bring it on

I’ve been somewhat obsessed with how poorly I felt I ran a 5k race a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been trying to figure out why. It was a miserable race; I was exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually. For starters the fucking race was first thing in the morning which is why I never run any of these- I’m no good in the morning. Period. I decided to run the thing because I was hoping for some sort of kick start, something to get my competitive juices flowing not only for that particular race but for where I am in my life. But nothing happened. I hate to run with crowds, especially older men who grunt their way through the race. SHUT UP-please. For those of you out there familiar with times, my time was 30:12- that wasn’t good enough for me. I’m not a huge runner but that was too slow, it actually sucks. There are many reasons why I struggled, but since I’m convinced running is mostly a mental game with ourselves, I guess I feel I just didn’t have what was needed for those measly 30 minutes-I didn't have the strength.

I consider myself a very strong woman. (my arm doesn't show it all) I am physically strong for being only 5’3-4” and something like 105 lbs. (haven’t been weighed in a while) but what I’m talking about here is mental strength. There’s been a lot of change in my life lately, nothing of physical value but more so from an inner restructuring. Nothing has felt right lately: I hate my job and it’s not working for me anymore, I can’t find good music to listen to, I don’t like where I live, it feels strange to drive my car and C. Love and I are learning to be together in a whole new way... that’s the most disturbing of all. Our relationships and jobs and home are like solid, normal things we can count on. They may suck at times or be problematic but we get accustomed to them, learn to deal around them and carry on with our life. When one of them speaks too loudly at us we either become a miserable bitch, a depressed, hopeless individual or a crazed lunatic. Or in my case, shut off. It feels like my world has been turned upside down just because my Saturday was taken away from me. C.Love used to work on Saturdays so she would leave the house in the morning and come home at the end of the day-but not anymore. I used to have the entire day to myself; I cherished it, waited for it patiently and used it to nourish my soul. It was a huge deal and now that it’s gone I am forced to find my inner strength in other unfamiliar ways.

There’s been a lot of talk about finding the strength lately; whether it is the strength to loose weight, to get in shape, to develop patience or to simply grow up once and fore all. One thing I’ve learned over the years is as soon as you have the desire to find the strength the rest will follow. The ‘rest’ may not be in the form of what you’ve imagined: the 10 lbs, the new job, or the toning of muscles, but some change is bound to occur. So listen to your little inner voice because it will speak to you. Back to that 5k race again, I know one reason I hated running it was because there was a start and a finish and boundaries all around it. I don’t do well with feeling trapped, I’m claustrophobic when it comes to MRI machines, block parties and mosh pits but as long as I am allowed to do what I want to do in as much time as I want to do it I’m cool. I like things to be slow, that’s why I love baseball and Mr. Rodgers. Slow it down, give me some room to breath, be quiet and chill out- that’s what I say. That race was stressful because I couldn’t just ‘be’- and I shut off. I shut down.

An inner voice told me to do that damn race which is why I followed through with it. Nothing has come of it… yet, but when it does I'm ready for it.

the skinny on bad fashion

Unfortunately there seems to be a new fashion trend hitting the stores and streets: the skinny black pant... or should we say LEGGINGS!!(yikes). I can just picture it now; women of all shapes and sizes attempting to wiggle into these things and struggling with not only trying to find the right shoes to wear with it but hating their bodies even more so than they do because they won't look good in them. Duh, it's a Skinny Black Pant. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN THEM, unless your like 7 or anorexic.

Come on 'GAP' we don't need this crap. I'm just witing for the day I walk into Starbucks and see that exact outfit on someone in line- hat and all- shit.

Happy fall everyone, enjoy the scenery. (from behind maybe)

Lost in space

Sometimes there are things about blogging that I just can't stand to deal with and they are as follows:

1. When I read someone's post and see that there are 52 comments, well not 52, but something like 16, 22, 28 etc. When the hell did all these people get there? Sometimes I'll just keep walking because I just don't want to be #562- or whatever. When a place is too crowded I'll leave.

2. When I know for a fact (site meter) that someone has been continually checking me out and will not say hello. If I catch you checking me out on line or in person and you don't say a word, I find it annoying and rude. Come on in and speak- it's easy.

3. When someone takes my comment and interprets it out of context. It's frustrating.

4. When I can't see their facial expressions. Actually that I can't see anything, but I guess that's the point.

5. When I land on someone's blog and then get distracted by something else (very easy for me) and I imagine them looking at their site meter noticing that I've been on it for a very long time. It really didn't take me 50 minutes to read your 3 sentences, I just got distracted and I'm sorry.

6.When I find out that two random blogging people are actual live friends. Blows my mind for some reason.

7. When I have to wait days for a response to a question type comment.

8. When I start to form a 'vision' of what someone looks like or imagine what they might be like and find out I'm completely wrong.

9. When I think that all this could just disappear any second because of something beyond my control. Or if someone just decides to quit. Poof- no more. That bothers me.

10. When I'm looking for something to do on any random night and I can't call one of you to grab a beer with.



That's not me by the way- just in case you thought so. I wouldn't wear that kind of bracelet...

Hook, line and lifejacket

I'm hooked. It didn't take long this time, actually whenever I've gottten hooked on anything or anyone for that matter it didn't take long.

It started with a willingness to be open and continued because of meaningful dialog and excellent background music. There has also been enough humor and sex tossed in to keep me and the rest of the world fully engaged instead of wanting to flee the scene for fear they may slip into that black hole of 'emotion' and never find their way out. It's the way little meaningless words are put together to form huge powerful statements- simple sentences people long to hear, is what amazes me; not because of what the words mean but more so because it's so simple and organic. The general viewing public seems to be captivated by it and that's what I find shocking. I wonder what kept people away from Party of Five, Felicity, and Relativity if they love this one so much. Maybe it's just because this one deals with mostly relationships, having 'feelings' for someone you can't necessarily have or struggling with the ones you do have and eveyone's an adult this time- people can relate and the fact that it's played out in a very real way makes it easier to watch- I guess. Like I said, it's simple but it amazes me. I always assumed quality shows like this and films like Titanic or Brokeback Mountain were just too much for people. Nobody likes to watch anything that may hit upon some of their issues, make them wonder about themselves, or feel anything- god forbid. Personally it's all I look for and live with day to day whether it's in real life, in the music I listen to, or the movies and television I watch. It's human connection at it's best and it's life- turned up, stripped down, stretched out and expressed. It's not because of the life threatening surgical procedures or because of the way anyone looks; nobody is real or even extremely good-looking for that matter- decent at best. Nobody's screaming, there's no rage on the street, no hatred or abuse. If anyone's yelling it's out of fear, lonliness or because of love and they just don't know what the hell else to do. It's the reading between the lines, leading with the heart instead of the head, thinking before speaking and listening instead of talking. I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy. (I realize I'm a little late with this one)

I had never seen even one episode of the show up until two weeks ago but from within the first 15 minutes I was hooked. I had never really wanted to watch Grey's Atatomy because of it's hype and overexposed hospital theme. General Hospital, ER, House, Scrubs, Doogie, Chicago Hope- it's been done before and ER got way too medical and depressing for me so I stopped watching. I listened to everyone talk about it but for some reason just never turned it on- never. I wasn't so excited to jump on the McDreamy bandwagon or watch any more people suffer in a hospital but from what I've seen so far, none of that is even remotely important with this show. Sure it takes place in a hospital but it's not about watching the open heart surgery procedure, it's about how the dude on the table or woman in the bed is dealing with their issue at hand. It's all about all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes of the surgury or diagnosis, or accident.

I don't typically enjoy being one of the crowd or part of the masses but this time it feels good. I'm glad people enjoy this show because it makes me think that maybe people aren't so bad afterall. Maybe, just maybe the world is starting to soften up. One can only hope- and watch the interns in Seattle deal-