bring it on

I’ve been somewhat obsessed with how poorly I felt I ran a 5k race a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been trying to figure out why. It was a miserable race; I was exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually. For starters the fucking race was first thing in the morning which is why I never run any of these- I’m no good in the morning. Period. I decided to run the thing because I was hoping for some sort of kick start, something to get my competitive juices flowing not only for that particular race but for where I am in my life. But nothing happened. I hate to run with crowds, especially older men who grunt their way through the race. SHUT UP-please. For those of you out there familiar with times, my time was 30:12- that wasn’t good enough for me. I’m not a huge runner but that was too slow, it actually sucks. There are many reasons why I struggled, but since I’m convinced running is mostly a mental game with ourselves, I guess I feel I just didn’t have what was needed for those measly 30 minutes-I didn't have the strength.

I consider myself a very strong woman. (my arm doesn't show it all) I am physically strong for being only 5’3-4” and something like 105 lbs. (haven’t been weighed in a while) but what I’m talking about here is mental strength. There’s been a lot of change in my life lately, nothing of physical value but more so from an inner restructuring. Nothing has felt right lately: I hate my job and it’s not working for me anymore, I can’t find good music to listen to, I don’t like where I live, it feels strange to drive my car and C. Love and I are learning to be together in a whole new way... that’s the most disturbing of all. Our relationships and jobs and home are like solid, normal things we can count on. They may suck at times or be problematic but we get accustomed to them, learn to deal around them and carry on with our life. When one of them speaks too loudly at us we either become a miserable bitch, a depressed, hopeless individual or a crazed lunatic. Or in my case, shut off. It feels like my world has been turned upside down just because my Saturday was taken away from me. C.Love used to work on Saturdays so she would leave the house in the morning and come home at the end of the day-but not anymore. I used to have the entire day to myself; I cherished it, waited for it patiently and used it to nourish my soul. It was a huge deal and now that it’s gone I am forced to find my inner strength in other unfamiliar ways.

There’s been a lot of talk about finding the strength lately; whether it is the strength to loose weight, to get in shape, to develop patience or to simply grow up once and fore all. One thing I’ve learned over the years is as soon as you have the desire to find the strength the rest will follow. The ‘rest’ may not be in the form of what you’ve imagined: the 10 lbs, the new job, or the toning of muscles, but some change is bound to occur. So listen to your little inner voice because it will speak to you. Back to that 5k race again, I know one reason I hated running it was because there was a start and a finish and boundaries all around it. I don’t do well with feeling trapped, I’m claustrophobic when it comes to MRI machines, block parties and mosh pits but as long as I am allowed to do what I want to do in as much time as I want to do it I’m cool. I like things to be slow, that’s why I love baseball and Mr. Rodgers. Slow it down, give me some room to breath, be quiet and chill out- that’s what I say. That race was stressful because I couldn’t just ‘be’- and I shut off. I shut down.

An inner voice told me to do that damn race which is why I followed through with it. Nothing has come of it… yet, but when it does I'm ready for it.