Here's the deal: since I've been a little lost for the last couple of days I've missed National Coming out Day. I guess it was Wednesday but I had no idea. Unfortunately I live in the straight world and if they don't talk about it at work, in the paper, on the morning shows, or on ESPN, I miss it. I should have known, C.Love heard about it but I didn't. I feel like a bad gay person- oh well.
My "coming out story" isn't very animated or extremely exciting so I don't feel a need to share it in detail. What I will say is that it came to fruition about 11 or 12 years ago and I said it through letter writing. I wrote my parents, sister and brother each one. Maybe I decided on writing it because I didn’t feel strong enough to use my own physical voice or maybe I simply wanted to lessen the blow for those receiving it. I kind of think it was a little of both, but all I remember was that I was so tired of hiding it. I don’t honestly think anyone was surprised; what I mostly felt back from them was disappointment and concern. And love- lots of love. My sister in law told me that my brother cried (weird to hear), my sister just wanted to make sure I was ok and my mom just told me she didn’t understand, but she loved me. My Dad gave me love, but no approval. My family is old school, they don’t get it. Bottom line, we don’t discuss it, we all love C.Love and I think they are just waiting for it to end- whatever. My friends back home in Boston were also told through letters and friends here in Illinois were introduced to it when they were first introduced to both C. Love and I when we first hit town when introductions came up and our story followed. I don't hide it from anyone anymore, and I finally feel proud to 'be it'. It took me a while to feel comfortable in my own skin and there are still times of anxiety when discussing the subject or when I'm asked detailed questions about my "story"- it depends on who's asking but I'm a pretty private person and I like it that way- good thing I'm not famous.
I'm mostly sorry that on Wednesday there wasn't one person who felt the urge to either tell their story to me or even just allude to it. I'm around a lot of people every day and it would have been really cool and heartwarming if someone had felt the urge to say they were gay. I know tons of people playing the role of a straight person when I know they’re gay, but that’s a whole other post- it just would have been nice.
Coming out for me was a process, it may have started 11, 22, 13 or 30 years ago- I don’t know, but I never stood on any pedestal and felt the need to announce it to the world- it’s just not my style. In a way this blogging thing has become a continuation of the coming out process; you guys are all new, introductions have to be made and stories have to be told. I felt it was only right for a photo to follow. It’s not a full frontal shot- I gotta know you a whole lot better for that… As much as I got tired of hiding my sexuality, I got tired of hiding myself with this blog- it’s too much. I talk about having “issues” with photos but what I mean by that is seeing someone for me is huge, so I don’t take it lightly. A photo makes it real, makes you real and alive. Close to home- you now what I mean?
Maybe there’s someone out there reading our posts that hasn’t come out yet but will feel secure and safe enough to do it on line with one of us. I know I would have.
13 comments:
Thanks for sharing your story with us, and a hint of your pic, too. I think almost every one of us has moments of anxiety as we're constantly coming out to new people we meet. I think the fact that we do overcome it, to some degree, and do share, helps tremendously.
Thanks for sharing your story, and the picture. The first time I posted pictures I posted drawings instead of photos. After posting my picture I feel like I am no longer anonymous, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The only thing I am still holding on to is my real name, which I don't think would be that hard to figure out.
Anyway, your family's reaction sounds very similar to mine. Though my family all love BP they also really hope that someday I'll be straight. I'm really glad that everyone is posting their stories. I started blogging because BP and I live a pretty straight life and I really wanted just needed to find someway to feel a little less isolated, and maybe even normal.
Thanks for the story. I think we all like to find a little normalcy in our lives even if it's just being able to relate to someone else's life online. My family is similar to yours. They know but we don't talk about it and they don't acknowledge it. I too wrote my dad a letter but he never told me he received it. It's been eight years and I'm still waiting.
You've come by and seen my latest pictures which...well, reveals a lot, but I don't know if I'll ever post a picture of my face. Hiding is hard, but so is losing a safe space.
Hunny thanks for sharing, I love the pic, now I can not only hear that your a cool chick, but I can see it too, cheers hunny ;-)
I had the same thing with my lot, some of them STILL think fairy and I are just a faze and I'll grow out of it, but hey, Im big enough I aint growing no more. We love who we love and we're happy, thats all that matters.
Now, get your cool arse over to my place, I have another unwanted visitor,these chicks are fucking haunting me ;-)
Lots of love and kisses my cool hunny bunny XxXxXxXxXx
Yes, love the pic, too! And, it sounds like this has been a real process for you and you're coming to terms with it and handling it well - so you should be applauded for it! Great story!
thanks for sharing..i loved the picture..all my friends say that they still love me but i don't think they approve or understand..but i don't mind..im happy what i have..
You're welcome sassyfemme, it was my pleasure. Thank you for getting the ball rolling.
I remember your drawing zoe, it was cool. I only want to stay somewhat anonymous because of my niece and nephews. They are always on line so the name connection has got to stay out.
I'm glad you started blogging too and I hope you and BP feel a little less isolated these days. I hate that particular feeling and we work hard to 'get out there' so that we won't have to feel it all the time. I've learned you have to search it out and this blogging thing has helped. It's still not where I would like it to be though.
You sound pretty damn normal to me zoe. And I have no clue as to what your real name is- but that's just me. It's not important.
Hey zuhn, I'm so sorry about your dad not responding to you. That's gotta be hard, but it's probably harder for him because he's sitting with it all the time- you've obviously moved on- good job. I totally understand the photo thing. Everybody has different reasons to do it or not to do it and it's all ok. Safe spaces are hard to find, so hold on to yours-
mad hatter, what's the deal with the crazy chicks all over you?! (and not in a good way- sorry fairy)
Thanks for the words, I'm glad I could help you to visualize me a little more than you already were... you were, right?
Hang tough girl.
Thanks t2, still learning and growing everyday! Thanks for being around in this latest chapter...
Hi fairy,
It's difficult to stay connected to our own happiness without worrying about everyone around us. You and mh have a special thing, don't let it go for anyone. Screw the friends, it's their issue-not yours.
Thanks for sharing your story, R.D. I totally agree that coming out is a process. It doesn't start when we tell someone and it never really ends.
Too true hunny, I had all sorts fo pictures in my head of you, the people I'm close to here, well I've seen all their pics, apart from you, so I made my own head pics, but, dont take it in the wrong way hunny, your far more nicer, cooler in person/pic ;-)
And I dont have a clue what these frigging crazy chicks want with me. I think this week they've closed the funny farm and now these mad muppets are looking for someone to piss off and they found me, muppets!
Take it easy chick,
Lots of love and kisses XxXxXxXxXxX
I know kelly, I guess whn you're born and kind of bread to believe one thing but turn into another it could take a lifetime to unfold. Hopefully it won't though. I hope you are feeling ok- phsically and emotionally... just thinking-
Hey mh, It will be a whole nother ballgame if we meet face to face... if you need more details let me know... and I mean details-
r.d. great post. thanks so much for sharing more of you!
Yes, thanks for sharing. I'm still in the midst of my process. I told my kids in June, I'd been feeling what I'd been feeling for quite a while before that-but verbalized it to them. So far, they--and the blog world who found my spot-know. I haven't told my dad or brothers because I don't really have a relationship with them. I haven't told my mom-because..I don't know why, I'm just not ready I guess. I'm not in a relationship or even in like with anyone at present, so..however, I'm feeling more empowered each day in the wanting to *get out* and *be out*
I understand totally about the pic-I thought long and hard about it-then totally against character-threw caution to the wind--is that a shoe I hear about to drop?
Yours & similar stories have helped me tremendously.
Thanks much for sharing.
Hey afunt, you're welcome... see you around-
Congratulations on how far you've come so far- it's not easy. One thing I learned is that it all unfolds as it's meant to, meaning wherever you are is ok- don't push it. If things don't feel good, screw it. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom. Thanks for the words and... you're welcome too.
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