early to bed

Going here tonight for a fundraiser for this group. It always feels a little odd when there's a relatively organized soiree at a sex toy shop because the atmosphere at such a place is anything but cocktail like. There will be wine and cheese served, but as far as keeping the conversation generic? that's like saying you're going to walk into a florist and not smell anything, it just doesn't happen. Interesting how a bunch of strangers can go from ground zero to seventh heaven in seconds flat but that's the deal. Personally, I have an issue with talking about something as intimate as sex with someone I have no connection to what so ever. But on the other hand... talking about something so detailed as which toy you prefer and why, with someone I'm attracted to is a whole other ball game. I'm an exceptional listener.

Sex (the actual act) is such a murky subject- some people are freaks about it, so many people have issues about it, some people are prudes about it, some people use it as a tool, others use it as a language, some people could care less about it and some people jut plain fucking enjoy it-in a nice, desirable way. I only care to talk about it, do it, listen to it and watch it when there's no creepiness going on in it. You know, weird, creepy bizarro stuff-it's fucking freaky. There's a fine line between sexy and 'all about sex'.

Anyway, tonight should fun, I know there will be enough to drink because we are in charge of picking up the supply of wine. As far as the other stuff goes, like I said "I'm an excellent listener". Sex, wine, women and cheese- sounds like a perfect evening to me.

THE AFTERNOON AFTER: Excellent night. Lots of wine, cheese, women and fun conversation... just as I had hoped. Topics that came up were peeing while standing, the Gay Pride Parade and being in it this year instead of watching it, vibrators being too loud, my body, Amy Ray, and how delicious the cheese was. It was a pretty normal night considering the scenery- penises as far as the eye could see...

an "inconvenient" joke

A joke? It's a fucking joke. I'm laughing all way over to my CD cabinet to pick out every single one of her discs and put them in a drawer somewhere; it's all I can do, it's not like I can call her up and tell her she sucks or "good one Sheryl, you fooled the world". The fact that she said what she did knocks her down a peg or five, in my book. You don't make jokes about important stuff going on in the world at a time that you want people to listen up- any SANE person would know that. A couple of things are going on now with Crow: she totally lost whatever 'coolness' she had going for her with that joke and she's making herself look like weak sauce because she stole the fucking joke from her buddy's husband, Larry David.

As I said before, there's too much craziness in the world these days to be saying stupid things-leave that up to those who never make sense. Sheryl Crow is the only one who knows why she chose to make that joke, she had her reasons. All I'm saying is that she's not the most influential person in the world so there's a fine line between popularity and poop. Good luck to her after this stupid move.

another one bites the dust

I hate when people I admire, for whatever reason, do or say something that makes me feel like I'm living in a cartoon: my heel brakes go on, I create some smoke, stop dead in my tracks and scratch my head in total confusion. It happened today and I feel like I'm still scratching my head- it's bizarro. With all the craziness going on in the world these days, I like to rely on the few sane people I know to help me remain still with the notion that not not everyone has completely lost their capability to think rationally and I can continue to trust what's out there-generally speaking. But when one of the assumed 'sane' ones sheds some outer skin and reveals another side of themselves (the gray side) I begin to feel like I'm now living in some sort of horror flick where a state of fear could rule my world if I left my house.

I knew as soon as everyone started to zero in on the fact that the dude from Virginia Tech, who felt he needed to kill everyone in sight, had a "mental illness", the effect of this was going to take on an amorphous meaning. The chaos of it all has now unfortunately seeped its way into the basements, hallways, front doors and living rooms of everyone in America (I can't speak for those of you internationally) and it's quite unsettling to say the least. When people don't understand what they're talking about and react out of fear, their words turn into toxic energy. The guy was crazy... not such an unbelievable feat for someone like that, but we as a society we can't go there. It's too much. There's a huge ripple effect going on from last weeks event that is coming out in many forms, one of which I felt today. This news actually has nothing to do with what happened in Virginia, but for some reason there feels like a recurring theme going on these days. And while it may have always been well contained in Hollywood, it also leaks out every now and then. For good reasons, Sheryl Crow has joined the global warming awareness movement. Great, this is fine, we need more influential, powerful people to hop on the green train, unfortunately it looks as though Sheryl has lost her mind along the way. The rock star has officially gone on record by saying she thought we could preserve some trees by proposing a ban on how many squares of toilet paper we are allowed to use each time we use the bathroom. What?! Oh no, here we go with the crazy talk from someone I thought was pretty much sane. Limiting toilet paper use?, come on now, that's silly talk. She said "I think we are an industrious enough people that I think we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required". Two to three? shit, I'd be doomed. I get where she's coming from but is she serious? Now Sheryl is an intelligent, successful woman and she's making statements like this. What the fuck is going on.

I used to like Sheryl Crow, she rocked. Now she wobbles, like the rest of the world. Sometimes I think I'd rather live inside a cartoon life where it's safe. At least Bugs Bunny was sane.

tampons and wine

For reasons I won't go into, I wasn't feeling my best on Tuesday. To attempt to shake myself from my funk I decided to get some air and go for a run since that always makes me feel better. I ended up at the grocery store because I remembered we needed some fucking tampons (not the reason for not feeling my best) and a grapefruit. On my way over to the tampon aisle I passed up a beautiful display of wine and decided I really wanted to have some for a little later that evening. I grabbed a bottle of Merlot and headed to the self check out. As I swiped the wine the siren went off, as it always does when liquor goes through, but I proceeded to put my the wine in the bag and wait for a clerk to come over to check on me. When she asked for my I.D. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my credit card and three bucks, but no I.D. I froze for a second because I thinking about how much I really wanted that wine but quickly snapped out of it and told her I just came from running so no, I don't have my I.D. (assuming she would say no problem and let me slide by) I stood there with my 'please can I have this wine face' on staring at her but all I got in response was "Sorry" - I was in shock. "Really?" I said, "I'm in here every day!" (getting angry) "I'm sorry", she said again. Now I was furious because not only did I really wanted that fucking wine but I'm legal! I'm 43 fucking years old! Plus I was upset to begin with because I was having issues all day with not getting what I want, and they never card me in this place so WHY NOW, WHY TODAY! My voice got louder, I starting to make a scene with my questions when I glanced around and noticed people starting to stare. I figured I better get a grip and shut up, which I did. I didn't want the old ladies and little kids thinking I had some kind of problem.

I did have a problem: I'm 43 and I look like I'm 23- what the hell. I can't really blame the cashier woman, I mean I had my Red Sox knit scull cap on, my Adidas pants, no make up on and a desperate look on my face. Anyway, I walked out with my grapefruit and tampons feeling like I just wanted to sit down and burst into tears when it started to rain- heavily. It opened up the second I walked outside, just my luck- I gave up. I slowed my pace down, held the tears back and proceeded to walk home. I wasn't happy with how I reacted to the woman telling me 'no', but I was really angry that It was just one more thing, as minor as it was, of something I wanted and couldn't have. It's been the theme for the week and it sucked.

But I did manage to get myself some wine later that day and enjoy every last fucking drop. And I learned to never leave the house anymore without my I.D because you just never know when you're going to need those tampons... and wine.

Note: I don't use o.b.

hottie

This one's for Afunt. Happy Friday...

retro chic (maybe)

Here's the deal: I have this 'old school', club chair I want to clean up and make presentable but I don't know where to start. I think the thing is from the 1950's and I just can't throw it away because I think it's cool looking; plus it came straight from my basement where I spent most of my childhood, so I'm still attached. I managed to bring it all the way from Boston to Chicago but it has never actually made it inside any of our homes since then. It's been banished to the storage rooms from day one. C. Love has wanted to toss the thing for years now but I've managed to distract her from the process. I tried to sell it a couple of years ago by putting it out on the front lawn with some other huge items and throwing a sign on it, but no one seemed interested. I don't actually blame them, I mean the thing looks a little beat up and yes-old, so unless you have an eye for design or the ability to see the potential in something, you might just pass it off as a piece of junk.

I saw it today when I decided to put the shovel away for the winter (huge leap of faith, but whatever). It was shoved in the corner with some boxes on it. I picked it up, fixed the rubber type slats on the seat, rearranged the cushions and sat down. It was confirmed once again just how much I love the look and the feel of this damn chair! It's got a wooden frame, a seat cushion and a back cushion-that's it. All I think I need to do is reupholster the cushions, clean up the wood, buy some new slats and I'm good to go. The cushions are foam and the have a cover that can be taken off, it's kind of low to the ground and perfect for lounging. I've never done any of this type of stuff before, it's not that I'm opposed to it it's just that I've never had the desire. I'd rather buy new than fix up the old but in this case things are a little different.

So anyone out there know how to go about something like this? I'm looking for tips, details, wood info, upholstery info- the whole nine yards. Talk to me like I'm five and take it slow. I've been told to fix it up first and then we'll see if it is presentable enough to come inside. I need some help.

take my advice

It was just picked as the beer of the month. I couldn't agree more but it's been my beer of the month for the last two months. I'm just saying...

here we go...

I don't care if you're a baseball fan or not. Whether you are a Red Sox fan, a Cubs fan, a Giants fan, a Braves fan, a Yankees fan, a White Sox fan or a Dodgers fan; the next 6-7 months are the best months of the year. Baseball not only signifies the kickoff to summer, but more importantly it's a time period loaded with the little stuff that feels huge. It's hot and steamy night games under the lights, the sound of the game on the radio on a Saturday afternoon, whiffle ball in the back yard, little league, big dreams, the simplicity of peanuts and popcorn, a fast ball, the home run, the grand slam, the feeling of home field advantage, the indescribable energy of Fenway Park, the last out, summer vacation, staying in because the game's on, tradition and faith.

So here's to Baseball season 2007. May those of you who enjoy the game, have fun and for those of you who could care less... well, good luck, it's a long season ahead of us. Cheers!

going with the flow

I've tried the sex thing, the avoidance thing, the full throttle thing, the anger thing, the depression thing. I've held the "I don't care" attitude for an extended period of time, as well as remaining in the protective mode and 'being in the moment' much longer than I should have. When it comes right down to it, I've learned the only way to deal with anything is to face it-head on. At least for me. Distraction only works for so long.

For the last week or so I've been, what I called stuck in the 'pause' state. What that meant for me was I was waiting on a bunch of things, all of which were out of my control and all of which were emotionally charged. I was semi-released on Thursday only to immediately be placed in the so called waiting room once again. I spent last week struggling with family issues, all which were precipitated by my dad's unstable decision to have heart surgery. I also struggled with all the fucking angst that goes along with being a freelance writer, while I waited for my potential proposals to be accepted... or rejected. I finally received two 'thanks but no thanks' on the freelance gigs and a definate date for my dad's surgery, so I moved on from the potential of shifting my life as far as the work thing goes and concentrated on the family issue. That was Tuesday.

Tuesday night: after much consideration and distress, I made the decision to go home and be with my dad and family for this operation. Mostly because it's kind of risky as well as serious but I also just didn't want to have to regret anything, if you know what I mean. I made the reservation on Tuesday night and headed for the airport on Thursday morning. We left the house at 5:15 a.m. and then got a call at 5:30 that the surgery had been cancelled. Once again, there was nothing I could do except turn the car around, go home and wait for another date. Wait, and wait to resume my life... again. That's exactly what I did and have been doing since then. I arranged to get off of work, but I went back to work; I packed and unpacked; I payed for a flight and then tried to get my money back; I got some of my writing proposals rejected and then decided to try again with another angle; I struggled with not feeling OK, then figured out why and dealt with that instead.

Now I've already dealt with the issues that come up with me around my family, the issues that come up with having an ill parent, the issues that come up with rejection, and the issues that come up with not being in control. In all of this, just tonight I was doing the dishes and I was thinking about when people are told they have (blank) amount of days, weeks, months or years left to live. What then? How the hell do these people feel? Talk about going with the flow... shit.

I like to plan ahead, I like to be informed, I like to know what's going on so when I can't or don't I move through life like a caged in lion. I'm full of emotion, angry as hell, silent from exhaustion and ready to make my move as soon as I get released. My friend e-mailed me in the middle of my trying to book a flight home on Tuesday night. I was telling him about what was going on and that I was worried about my Dad. He simply e-mailed back and said "don't worry, everything will be fine with your Dad. Besides, your tough". Yeah, I forget sometimes. Then I got some other advice from a friend within the same 15 minutes that thankfully woke me up from my comatose state. She pretty much just said go, no matter what. I also knew that, but sometimes what we know gets lost in the shuffle of life. I'm good now. I had a good weekend and I'm ready to proceed with whatever comes my way... whatever.