going with the flow

I've tried the sex thing, the avoidance thing, the full throttle thing, the anger thing, the depression thing. I've held the "I don't care" attitude for an extended period of time, as well as remaining in the protective mode and 'being in the moment' much longer than I should have. When it comes right down to it, I've learned the only way to deal with anything is to face it-head on. At least for me. Distraction only works for so long.

For the last week or so I've been, what I called stuck in the 'pause' state. What that meant for me was I was waiting on a bunch of things, all of which were out of my control and all of which were emotionally charged. I was semi-released on Thursday only to immediately be placed in the so called waiting room once again. I spent last week struggling with family issues, all which were precipitated by my dad's unstable decision to have heart surgery. I also struggled with all the fucking angst that goes along with being a freelance writer, while I waited for my potential proposals to be accepted... or rejected. I finally received two 'thanks but no thanks' on the freelance gigs and a definate date for my dad's surgery, so I moved on from the potential of shifting my life as far as the work thing goes and concentrated on the family issue. That was Tuesday.

Tuesday night: after much consideration and distress, I made the decision to go home and be with my dad and family for this operation. Mostly because it's kind of risky as well as serious but I also just didn't want to have to regret anything, if you know what I mean. I made the reservation on Tuesday night and headed for the airport on Thursday morning. We left the house at 5:15 a.m. and then got a call at 5:30 that the surgery had been cancelled. Once again, there was nothing I could do except turn the car around, go home and wait for another date. Wait, and wait to resume my life... again. That's exactly what I did and have been doing since then. I arranged to get off of work, but I went back to work; I packed and unpacked; I payed for a flight and then tried to get my money back; I got some of my writing proposals rejected and then decided to try again with another angle; I struggled with not feeling OK, then figured out why and dealt with that instead.

Now I've already dealt with the issues that come up with me around my family, the issues that come up with having an ill parent, the issues that come up with rejection, and the issues that come up with not being in control. In all of this, just tonight I was doing the dishes and I was thinking about when people are told they have (blank) amount of days, weeks, months or years left to live. What then? How the hell do these people feel? Talk about going with the flow... shit.

I like to plan ahead, I like to be informed, I like to know what's going on so when I can't or don't I move through life like a caged in lion. I'm full of emotion, angry as hell, silent from exhaustion and ready to make my move as soon as I get released. My friend e-mailed me in the middle of my trying to book a flight home on Tuesday night. I was telling him about what was going on and that I was worried about my Dad. He simply e-mailed back and said "don't worry, everything will be fine with your Dad. Besides, your tough". Yeah, I forget sometimes. Then I got some other advice from a friend within the same 15 minutes that thankfully woke me up from my comatose state. She pretty much just said go, no matter what. I also knew that, but sometimes what we know gets lost in the shuffle of life. I'm good now. I had a good weekend and I'm ready to proceed with whatever comes my way... whatever.