Saturday, April 05, 2008

tears of joy

I cry. I'm not a "crier", but I do cry. I don't particularly like to cry because whenever it happens it always seems to get in the way of whatever else is going on at the time. For me, if I'm sad it just makes me sadder and if I'm happy (and crying) it just wrecks the mood because now I need to find a tissue and can't focus on the enjoyment anymore. My crying can occur under many different circumstances:I can easily cry during sad or inspirational movies and seeing children and animals of any kind in pain; I cry when my parents are in pain and I could totally break down if I sat with the thought of one of them going through life with out the other due to a death; I am able to cry from certain words, pictures, thoughts and television shows and I'm a total sucker for the 'underdog' and the person living in "rags" making it big. But I also always seem to cry, well my eyes tear up, whenever I crack up laughing and sometimes that laughter turns into a lump in my throat as if I really feel like crying- it's strange and the eyes completely fill up when I cut an onion, but there's no emotion attached to those tears. In other words it's just never convenient to shed the tears, so I don't jump at the opportunity, but as we all know sometimes the act is unavoidable.

I've learned as an adult that crying is a healthy thing and should not be held in- kind of like sneezing... so I do it when the the moment moves me. I actually cried many times this winter, not because it was the worst winter in like 15 years but because I was either frustrated as hell over something, in a fight with C. Love, still growing, or over the fact that my job was requiring me to work some Saturdays; hence I felt like my life was being taken away from me. It's been a pretty tough winter for many reasons both emotionally and spiritually. At times I chose to bury my self in 'sex and drugs and rock and roll' to sooth the pain but that relief is only temporary then it's time to face the truth... and the tears.

Today I went running for only the second time this winter (I choose not to run on ice and risk killing myself from traffic or dodge snowbanks and get frost bite) because today was 61 degrees. Just saying that is enough to make me cry on the inside. The fact that I haven't moved my body much more than to run up a flight or two of stairs for the last 3 months didn't make for an easy jog, but I managed to get myself down to the lake. As soon as I jumped off the wall and my feet hit the sand my eyes started to tear and I felt that feeling in my heart, head and throat- I made my way over to the rocks away from the babies, the dogs and the walkers and totally burst into tears. They were completely undeniable and obviously inconvenient. I guess they were tears of joy but what they felt like were tears of relief. A lot of my tears over the winter were because I couldn't breathe; today my tears were because I finally could. That warmth from the sun and the energy from the beach is all my soul needs for fuel and the fact that it was without them for the last 5 months was too much for me to take today. They were tears of joy but then sadness when I soon realized that was the (sad) truth.
And of course I didn't have any tissues on me.

10 comments:

trinity2 said...

I absolutely loathe crying myself. I was taught as a kid NOT to cry - that it was a bad thing. Now I get disgusted with myself when I do cry except for over joy - I am a sucker for weddings and mushy shit. I rather cry over joy and mushy shit than sadness and feeling sorry for myself. When I feel that way I ususally take a run - like you.
I hope the weather continue's to get better there and you can take some more of those runs and feel good! (Maybe take a hankerchief, too - just in case)

Maria said...

I hate crying. I hate how I look when I cry. I hate the nose stuffiness that comes along afterwards.

So, mostly I just suck it in.

r.d. said...

I'm sorry that you were taught not to cry t2- that saddens me. I too don't particulally enjoy crying when I am upset, but I do know- for a fact- that "letting it out" is a healthy thing. Taking a run is a good thing but if you are upset you gotta feel the pain- feel the pain and move on. We are due for snow at the end of the week...

maria, how come I never know if you are being real or not? what's up with that? If you are "sucking it in" think about all that fucking pain in your body.. I'm just saying.

the only daughter said...

I cry more now than I ever did, even still, that isn't all that much.

I don't shed tears of joy, I cry when in pain emotionally (though I fight the urge)and I presume extreme physical pain would drive me to tears.

Here's hoping your running weather hangs out for awhile.

afuntanilla said...

I really enjoyed reading this..I could see the scene at the water..thx for sharing!!

r.d. said...

only daughter,
No tears of joy?! You mean to tell us that you never have wet eyes simply because you're so happily in love/lust with your girlfriend? Here's hoping you do. Thanks for the good wishes!

Thanks afunt... you have good eyes.

the only daughter said...

No, crying for me is an emtional reaction associated with sadness, pain and depression. When I'm happy I smile, laugh and am just over the top giddy. Do I laugh so hard my eyes water? Yes, sometimes, but I don't consider that crying, it is a physical reaction-not emotional. Like how my eyes water when exposed to extreme cold. For me, that crying not an emotional reaction.

I am over-the-moon, deliriously happy with my gf and when I'm with her. Conversely, I am sad when I'm not. I cry when I'm leaving her not when I arrive.

r.d. said...

Got ya only daughter- bottom line, cheers to happiness not sadness wet eyes or not. crying is so specific for people it's crazy.

storm indigo said...

im a little late but thanks for sharing this.
making it to that first spring-like
day is always fantastic for me. i find that spring helps me get out of my head,'over myself', as the saying goes.
i only hate to cry around people who don't care about my feelings or who don't mean well. i cry if very happy or very sad.
if i don't cry then i am choking down more than just tears.

r.d. said...

Thank you for sharing as well storm...