I've never been a fan of group situations; whether the group is meeting for dinner, drinks or discussion-I don't want any part of it. There's too much room for awkward situations when a lot of people are around and I can't help from paying attention to every single one of them. I usually amuse myself, but that's it and the point of a group is to socialize. I do better socially one on one. If there's more than four I tend to just shut off mentally, plus I've this strange belief that groups aren't cool. Whatever.
Last night we had plans to meet up with some old acquaintances and new faces for dinner. Everyone present was part of that Chicago Rainbow group we belong to. C. Love and I have had many discussions about not only joining this group, but we have also had on- going heated discussions about actually "going out" with the group. I want friends to just magically appear, there's no way I want to make the effort to meet them, especially when it's a group of lesbians- How awkward. It's situations like this where my need to feel cool gets in the way of my having any opportunity to actually be cool. I usually act like a two year old and put up a fuss the whole week prior up to the moment of impact. It's rough for C. Love. This time was different, I was willing to go because of the convenience aspect(I'm a convenience junkie) and I've been telling myself to grow up: shut up and put up. Anyway, last night we met up with about 16 of them at a pretty nice restaurant in Evanston called Flat Top Grill.
We met our party in the back and made it through the first round of introductions. Within four minutes I had ordered and received my first beer-excellent. Within an hour after that two more had been consumed. Three beers in an hour? is that a lot? C. Love was keeping an eye on me but we have this unspoken rule that sometimes I just get to drink-with no questions asked. She's the more outgoing one in this relationship; I take the role as the quiet one on the side with the issues- fine with me. After the second beer C. Love asked " how are you doing?". I responded with, "well, it's not my ideal situation (more people approaching, questions being asked) but I'm better now. I do it all for you"(with a smirk). C. Love then makes a bowing motion and laughs. I know I can be a jerk. At this Flat Top place you have to get up and get your own food: you choose the rice or noodles, various vegetables, sauces, meat, etc, hand it to the stir fry guys and go back to your seat. They bring it to you. Again, not my ideal situation, too much work, too much walking around and too much elbow rubbing. Not convenient, but it was good. During dinner I was noticing two things: who was drinking alcohol, and who looked like someone I could be friends with. We were divided between two tables and thankfully our table was the drinking table! Yeh, I don't have to drink alone. C.Love had one, some good looking theatre chick across from us had three, a semi obnoxious sports fan (not that I have anything against sports at all) had I think one, maybe two but I doubt it, and a non descript, random, leather jacket wearer (that's all I noticed) had one. After one more beer to finish off the evening, we headed home.
All in all it was an enjoyable evening. Good food, some laughs. I felt very comfortable with this group, everyone was and always is very, very nice. Those lesbians... they have good hearts, well most of the ones we come in contact with in the Rainbow at least. It's never easy to be catergorized into a group like that, usually I feel confined and can't wait to get out. I wonder what the hell people are thinking about C. Love and I. It never looks like we fit in, or at least it feels that way. I'm always the drinker looking like she wants to kill someone for the first hour, after that I'm the funny cool one making everyone feel comfortable. I have no idea what people think, and maybe I shouldn't.
My point to this post has to do with you guys out there. I'm so used to seeing people first and getting to know them second. With this blogging thing it's the other way around and I'm starting to get a little nervous. It's driving me nuts not knowing what everyone out there looks like, but in a way I never want to know. It's funny how we (I) form opinions about people from what they say, the words they use, and the way they say a certain something, or their description of a situation. I try to imagine what everyone out there looks like: tall, short, young, old, wide, narrow, blond, brunette, red head, in shape, femme, butch- a little of both, stylish, old school, tough, soft, as cool looking as they sound or as smart looking as they sound or as tough looking as they sound, as nice as they sound or as cold hearted as they sound. And when I only see someone at a bar, at dinner, out and about, I try to imagine what they would be like at home, in a stressful situation, whether they have a good soul or a cold heart, if they are actually as sexy in bed as they may seem, if they like it bright or dull, slow or fast... anything and everything goes through my head.
With you guys, all I want to know now is... someday? Who knows. It kind of freaks me out.
8 comments:
Wow, there's a lot to comment on in this post, R.D. I'll talk about the meeting online before real-life since I have a bit of experience in that area.
I met the three women with whom I've had impactful relationships online before meeting them in person. I've come to some clarity about this why this has been the case. There was a part of me who believed (and still sort of believes) that by meeting someone via their words first allows you the opportunity to get to know the real person, not the person behind the mask of clothes and makeup and the like.
My last ex pointed out to me, after we met in person after a month and a half of iChat and cell phone romance, that she had "issues" with the "real" me versus the "electronic" me. She said that she thought I found it safer to hide behind witty and well-crafted instant messages and emails and to rely on a sexy phone voice and project a persona that didn't totally ring true.
When she first mentioned this after we met face-to-face, it really bothered me. Things were never the same between us for a lot of reasons and she dumped me a couple of months later. My self-esteem took a major hit, as you can imagine, because I thought it was completely due to me somehow not measuring up to what she had envisioned physically. After getting over the hurt and anger, I took a good look at the content of what she said.
Did I project an image that wasn't exactly who I was? Of course I did. Don't we all project the best qualities we have or wish we had in order to make a good impression? I pretended to be more confident and self-assured because I wanted to be that way and because I knew that's the kind of woman SHE wanted. I wanted her and I wanted her to want me. I didn't do this to be calculating and manipulative. Co-dependent I'll cop to and I'm working on that. I really loved her and thought that she loved me. Maybe she fell in love with who I wanted to be. Then again, she didn't have much patience with human fraility, fear or imperfection.
Meeting online was much safer for me. There were natural barriers to real intimacy. Distance being the main one. My next sexual relationship needs to start with a person I meet in person first. In terms of online friends and knowing what we look like, it's still scary for me to wonder if someone may actually be disappointed if the picture doesn't match their image. Then again, that shouldn't be my problem, right?
Sorry about the long comment, but, like I said, this topic hits close to home.
BTW, R.D., if you want to know what I look like, I'll send you a pic. :)
I close down too in a large group darling. This shyness comes over me, which is really not what I am about, as my stage name says 'THE MAD HATTER', it pretty much describes me.
Saying that, I feel like a fraud when it comes to you and Kelly cos I see you both as my best blog buddies, and like you said, we dont know what eachother looks like, we know eachother, but we dont, if you understand what I'm yapping about.
Heres my stats ;-)
Age:28, height:5'7, build:slim and fit, hair:originaly red, but now sort of chestnut brown, Eyes: 2 and both ocean blue ;-) Childish face (so Im told) and it gets me away with murder ;-0
Like I said before, if you wanna picture, I'll send it
Lots of Hugs XxX
I hate group settings if I don't know the poeple. BP is way more shy than I am, though I would concider myself shy, but I use liquor courage to get us both through.
I totally know where you're coming from here. I am a little judgmental on first apearances and meetings. I think by the age we are, we can tell by how someone prestents themselve whether or not we are going to have things in common. Probably why we don't have any lesbian friends(in our town).
I think it's hard to hide your true self in a blog, you can do it for a while but not forever. I don't know, I think my blog is pretty much me, I'm kind of a what you see is what you get kind of a person. Maybe I haven't read enough about you, but we sound very similar.
It's funny that we are back here where you and I began; with me concerned about agreeing with you and feeling shallow, and wondering how you would judge me if we ever met.
I'd be willing to send a picture if curiosity is killing you, but I want to know what you think I look like first.
Kelly, mad hatter and zoe,
First of all just so you all know I have not envisioned any of you. It's not that I'm imagining what the hell you look like because of things you've said or how you come across, it's just that I have a hard time not seeing someone I feel kind of connected to- make sense? Now, that said:
Kelly, I'm sorry you had those negative experiences with those women and you're right when you say that it is their problem. You deserve better than that and from what I know, you'll get it. Hold off on the photo for now, if we're going to do this we gotta make it fun somehow. Plus I haven't taken my digital camera out of its packaging yet! Thanks for the words.
mad hatter you are NOT a fraud! Every part of our connection has been authentic. Oh, nice stats... thanks. Hmmmmm... Just kidding. I too have the red hair,(strange) although there are a few unwanted grey's popping through-damn it. It'll be time to think about "coloring" it one of these days...
And Zoe,
Back where we began? come on now, you have to give us more credit than that. You don't have to agree with any thing I say-ever. And believe me when I say I like what I know so far so even if we were to meet up on the street none of that could change. I may not enjoy our interaction but that's just surfacy stuff that can be fixed with kind words. My curiosity isn't killing me at all. It's not getting the whole person that is. Where the hell do you live by the way? That I do imagine and I picture way out southern IL. In the middle of nowhere. Please set me straight. Well, not straight.
Again, everyone relax. It's not going to hurt.
Indifuckingana! Grew up in the land of the boilermakers. We are only 2 hrs from Chicago and an hour from Indy. It really isn't all that bad, we've finally found a small group of like minded people. Though none of them are gay, they are all members of the HRC.
I'm just kidding you by the way about being back where we started.
You're not the only one with the gray hairs coming in, R.D. I gave up and started coloring about a year and a half ago and I love it.
I'm glad I'm not the only one not using her digital camera. I got it for Christmas and the only photos on it are of the cats and my mother. I'm all for making the photo exchange fun. :)
Thanks for the kind words as well. It's all part of the learning process and I've finally gotten to a place of gratitude even with the last ex for the things I learned. The pain wasn't fun, but it got me to where I am now.
Nice stats, R.D babe Im blushng, I'm a half married women, you cant say thing like that to me, I might like it ;-0 (only joking fairy, LOVE OF MY LIFE)
Is'nt it strange that you, me and Kelly all have red hair. Man what are the odds on that?
Now luva I dunno bout you but curiosity is definatly killing this cat. Kelly and I have exchanged pictures ;-) at least when Im emailing her or commenting on her blog, I can put her beautiful face to her even more beautiful name, but I cant do that with you, all I have is the red hair (god help me in my head you were blonde) Soooooooo pretty please with cream on top put me out of my misery ;-)
Give it to me baby ah ha ah ha ;-0
Im off, I feel a song coming on
XxX
Well, gee, I'm blushing now. I appreciate the kind words. I needed that today. :)
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