No Fear

The other night we happen to be hanging out at a bar where for some reason the back room at this place is always where all the lesbians go. The gay men and straight couples stay in the front where it's non smoking and a little more inviting- go figure. We go to this place often because they have decent pub food, they show the "L Word", and because every once in awhile it's refreshing to hang out with mostly women- gay ones. So we stopped in for one last beer before calling it a night, headed straight to the bar stools in the pit (back room) and watched- sometimes in amazement, young drunk lesbians... just being themselves and it was very, very funny. The outfits alone are enough to keep you laughing. C.Love was asking me how I thought I would have been as a young, punk lesbian on the prowl and I told her I honestly didn't know, but I was thinking that I really wish I had the opportunity to do so.

Unfortunately at the age of 19 I was too angry with myself and the world around me to be aware of the fact that I was gay, let alone secure enough with myself to actually have any bold moves directed towards anyone-gay or un-gay. When I watch all these young women struting their stuff whether it's geeky or cool stuff, I get a little jealous. Shit, I wish I could go back to being single and a young punk with all the confidence, coolness and attractiveness I have now. I think I'd have a lot of fun to say the least! Unfortunately twenty years ago not only was it not anywhere near accepted as it is today to be gay, but any 'gay' bar was filled with creepy looking older men only. I guess the gay women were out trying to be discrete or actually most were probably masquerading as happy straight women with their boyfriends by their side.

It seems so easy these days to be gay and out and even though I completely understand the internal struggle with coming out or accepting one's self as such, I feel so badly for people that struggle with it- young or old. Since thankfully, after much tormoil, I am beyond all of that, I can see things a hell of a lot clearer now. Hiding your sexuality from your family, friends or yourself seems so old school and so much easier to let go of than to hold on to and it's all such a waste of time. But I know... all the issues, so many issues. I get it, believe me. When I was a freshman in college fooling around with my roomate who was a sophmore and had a boyfriend, acknowleding that I was gay was the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't gay, I was just simply attracted sexually to my hot, blond roomate! That was it and if you tried to tell me otherwise I had a wall set up so thick there was no way I heard a word you were saying. I understand that's what it's like for a lot of people, I hear about it all the time.

Anyway, back to what what I'm trying to say; I'm thankful to be where I am in my life with my sexuality and my relationship with C. Love, but sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to be young, single and confident in the 'gay scene' of today. If I were to guess, I'd be hanging with those young punks from the other night. And just like now, I'd be lounging on the couch or hanging at the bar waiting for the ladies to come to me instead of the other way around. I've always just played it cool only back then I was too confused to know what to do with it. I know it's pointless to wonder about what could have been if..., but sometimes I'd just like to know what I'd have in me as a young, carefree, fearless lesbian looking for love.