Even my run sucked today. I can't seem to focus on anything, feel grounded or 'sit with' anything lately and whenever this happens I always want to figure out why.It's Monday and it feels like Saturday; I didn't have the Sunday blues this week-instead it'll be the Tuesday night blues; It's the 4th of July weekend and there isn't one kid in the park next door; We've decided to have a yard sale- a yard sale?... we don't do stuff like that, we just bring huge garbage bags full of stuff to the donation place; We just purchased tickets to some "L Word" event at the House of Blues featuring Betty (I hate them) hosted by Ilene Chaiken with appearences by the cast?... what?, in Chicago?. I have no idea ( it's a 'Gay Games closing party) You all know how I feel about the idiodic Gay games, but this is different. There will be no running or jumping involved at the HOB. Where the fuck is the sun?! My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, I can't focus. Usually running helps me focus, or music... drinking always does, but it's too early for that.
One of the problems was that we didn't have any plans set up for this long weekend except for a cookout on Saturday night. That was fun but kind of strange at the same time. For starters it was requested that I bring my piggies in a blanket to this thing. It's a barbeque, not a cocktail party!... what's with wanting pigs in a blanket? I don't get it. (That reminds me to do a post on issues I have with parties-the do's and don'ts.) Then I went to grab a beer- no summer brews and the first one I tasted had rasberry in it. Disgusting, I HATE beers with flavors. You can't have a party on the 4th of July weekend and not have any summer brews in the cooler! You just can't... I drank Corona all night. We ended up eating at a table with all men; gay men and all couples. It was nice, strange but nice. But once again I find myself wondering where the hell all the women couples are. Always lots of nice, good-looking gay boys around...
The party was fine; I drank too much again; slept it off on Sunday, and here I am on Monday. Things are strange lately for lots of reasons, one being that C. Love has taken the summer off from her part time job to focus on her full time gig. This is all wonderful, good stuff but the fact that she's home all the time now has thrown me a bit. Saturday used to be my one day to focus on myself and I no longer have that. I need my space. I love C. love, this has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's just that I don't have any time to be with myself and myself only. I don't do well without it, but I need to try to figure something out because things aren't going to change.
So no structure, a change in routine and four days off in a row with nothing to do. I remember when I was a little kid I used to focus my day on that damn nap. I had a nap after lunch everyday, until I grew up and hit kindergarten, but before that no matter what happened during the day I knew I could look forward to that little stretch of time after lunch. Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to chill out. I loved nap time, it put structure in my little day and centered my little universe.
I don't want a nap now, I just want the after effects of it.
13 comments:
maybe you ought to consider having naps now as an adult. i love naps. it sounds like the changes that have been happening are bound to throw you off a bit. you will figure out how to get the time you need. you seem like you know how to take care of yourself, so just give it some time to work out. (not that you are asking for what i think or anything...)
i enjoy your posts...
I've never been able to nap, even as a kid. In kindergarten, after the milk and graham crackers, we'd all lay down for our naps and there I was..staring at the ceiling. That hasn't changed.
I hope the yard sale went well and that you don't get the Tuesday night blues too much. Here's hoping the Sox win, the Yankees lose, you're drinking a summer brew and that you find a way to get some alone time. :)
afuntanilla,
Thanks for the words. I'll figure it out, I always do!
Hey kelly,
I always found those kids who couldn't sleep interesting- I didn't get it. Our 'yard sale' is scheduled for the end of July, the Sox lost last night but so did the Yankees, and I just got back from some early morning peace and quiet with my coffee at the beach. (Huge sigh...)
Yes, the few, the proud, the unable to nap. We stand proud! ;)
I'm glad you got to start out your day with some quiet time at the beach. Have a great 4th!
hmm, four days off with nothing to do - and there is a problem with this? :o)
No weese, there was no problem with having four days off in a row, my issue was an internal struggle with trying to get focused on stuff. Sometimes with too much free time, like a little kid, I get ornery unless I can structure my time. And I was having a hard time with that with everything else going on. All I ask for is time and then when I get it... whatever.
I love taking naps, I never get too, but I love them. I tried to nap on the 4th, but every time I had jsut drifted off some asshole would knock on the door, the dogs would go nuts, and I'd be wide awake. The only thing worse than not being able to nap, is not being able to nap because you keep getting interupted.
It's funny, I started writing a post about felling like I was floating, or just lost you know, but I just couldn't publish it.
I'm with Kelly - I've never been able to nap. But, as soon as that theme music from "Days of Our Lives" was over ("Like sands in the hourglass....) my mom would immediately annouce that it was nap time and throw me in bed and tell me to go to sleep. Which I wouldn't and spend the time queitly playing with my tonka trucks - if that's possible....
Hey zoe
Welcome back. Napping as an adult is totally different than napping as a little one- too many distractions. But give me a lounge chair in the sun when I'm on vacation and I'm out like a light-
Hey trinity2,
Strange, you weren't here just a second ago...
At least you were able to sit quietly with your trucks, sometimes that's just as important. We all need 'down' time-young or old.
Hey, T2, you made me smile with the "Days of Our Lives" theme. LOL!
I think I spent my time quietly playing with Hot Wheels. :)
I understand r.d. - sometimes its hard to get the wheels rolling.
have you tried mimosa's for breakfast. sometimes that works.
(actually... i make lists. that helps me)
Thanks for the tip weese, although I'm not so sure it's the best way to go. Mimosa's for breakfast? I love the idea but knowing myself, I think I may stretch mimosa's for breakfast into cocktails for lunch and then it would turn into blogging chaos for dinner. Not a good idea. I'll save the mimosa's for the holidays... it's a nice thought though-
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