There's been a lot of 'talk' around feeling stuck, moving forward, sex and drinking lately in blog land and it's got me thinking. Well, not that I don't feel or think about any of those things on a regular basis but trinity2's post got my juices flowing a little faster than usual this evening.
She was talking about the adrenaline rush and not being able to turn the feeling off. Part of me thinks she shouldn't turn it off; that's what it's all about- the rush. Granted you can't necessarily live your normal mundane life with the adrenaline turned up to high but the fact you can actually feel your adrenaline is something to take notice of. I was thinking that that's part of my problem theses days; I have an issue with not living my life to its fullest. Lately my mind has felt like it's had restraints on it preventing me from my creativity and enthusiasm and it's driving me insane. The other day I said I needed a miracle to occur, some huge thing that's like life changing. I was feeling like I needed an outside source to wake me up, to kick start my adrenaline and get my creative juices flowing again. I don't honestly know what that could be exactly. Jokingly I was saying something along the lines of " I need someomeone to just say here's a new jeep wrangler for you- I can't keep it and I don't want any money for it." (my car is slowing dying and could actually die any day now-could be tomorrow.) Not that that would in any way be life changing, but it would stop cluttering up my mind with stupid nonsense like hoping I make it to work without breaking down. Fuck, I hate old cars.
I think what I was thinking was if someone handed me a new jeep wrangler I'd get in and drive nonstop to the nearest coastline, where I could actually breath- and think freely. I was telling trinity2 that I love speed but then a wave of sadness come over me in the middle of writing my comment because I realized I rarely experience that feeling . I don't downhill ski, I can't stand snow; I've never been on a rollercoaster, hate amusement parks; I don't own a sports car anymore, can't speed in the SUV and my piece of junk shakes if I go over 60. If you don't own a motorcycle or drive a race car how the hell does one get to experience a little speed?! I'm not interested in jumping out of a plane or drinking gallons of Red Bull either.
It's an inner jump start I need. I think part of it is a mental stimulation, or emotional... or something. Anyway, I'm not a simple, dull, unexcitable person and I think my soul is trying to tell me that. I just wish it would speak louder...
9 comments:
Again, R.D., we're on the same wavelength. The search for passion and meaning can be wonderfully exhilarating and it can be painfully excruciating at the same time.
When people ask me what quality I value most in a friend or a lover, I often say "curiosity". Kindness, honesty and all those good things go without saying, but if someone isn't curious about herself or himself, other people and the world, I'm just not interested.
The ironic thing is, lately I feel like I've misplaced my curiosity and it's close cousin, passion. Like you, I've been looking for an external spark to start the fire, but I've realized that it requires an "inside job".
You're not alone, my friend. I know that you'll find that desire and jumpstart the creative, "on fire" life that you want to recapture. Good luck!
Go car shopping - whether you buy a car or not. Do some test driving! Hop on your bicycle and ride down a really steep hill in Chi-land. Make C.Love drive fast in her car ;-)
I hear you on the inspiration. There are days where I just can't get inspired at all.
You should take up kayaking or rock climbing or maybe even backpacking. You get to challange yourself, push yourself, test yourself, and enjoy nature. I find that I feel most at peace with myself when I am doing things. There is almost nothing better than paddling all day. I love being on the water, watching it, listening to it, feeling it. It's very tranquil.
I get you girl, I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything, but sadly I dont have that power.
I used to be an 'up' person, full of energy, power, the works, but I've lost it. Of course lifes recent shite hasnt helped with my mood, but I miss the energy, the free thinking mind, nowadays everything just seems to be so stressful.
I know you hate rollercoasters and stuff but aftre ma died, my cousin took me and fairy to an amusment park, I tell you this, I havent screamed so much in my life, it was so releiving, I felt great, I laughed, cried and I would really recommend it girl.
XxXxXxX
It's definitely something that's going around. I was talking about the same thing to one of the inspectors and we both agreed, it's nasty.
I'm off today to try and get my shit figured out.
There IS something going around. I can relate to all that has been said. I know at least 3 of us are between 35-41. Maybe it's our ages??? What is it? I think we should all meet up in New Orleans or VEGAS. How's that for some adrenaline?? And remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas...not sure about new orleans..
I'm with afuntanilla. Let's shake things up!
clearly its speaking loud enough. and you are listening.
this is a good thing.
Hey guys,
Thanks for all of the suggestions and positive vibes. I'd buy you all a drink if I could... maybe afuntinilla is on to something- Vegas sounds good. But until then I'll try to avoid the speeding tickets... (no hills in Chi-town t2- that doesn't help matters)
I'm sorry this unrest seems to be attacking some of you too but as weese mentioned, I know it's a good thing in the end. It just sucks going through it.
Cheers to passion, adrenaline,tranquility, 'the thrill' and moving forward... with or without a new car. Later-
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