I still believe in something

I'm going home for Christmas, home where my family is but I'll be at my sister's house sleeping in the basement on a pull out sofa- nothing like memories from the past.

If I had my wish I would have never grown up and remained a 5 yr old forever, of course this is an irrational thought but everything just felt so amazingly good when I was little that I can't help going back there in my mind- especially at Christmas time. (except when it was time to sit on santa's lap)

One recurring vision that comes up for me almost daily at this time of year is Christmas Eve, in the house I grew up in. Not only do I remember it like it was yesterday but I can literally feel the warmth and excitement inside my adult body when I imagine it, the exact same way I felt when I was 5, 6, 7 or 8. It was so strong back then I guess I could never let it go. Every Christmas Eve my family threw a huge open house for the neighborhood- some family members and anyone else who wanted to stop by were also invited. The excitement for me began as soon my little feet hit the floor first thing in the morning. Downstairs my mom was either fixing up the decorations in the living room or prepping something in the kitchen; my dad was usually making his ice block for the punch and then heading out to the store for anything we forgot to get, or he was collecting the fire wood from the back yard and piling it on the deck for later that night. My brother was typically in the basement playing with whatever he played with and my sister was hanging out in her (our) room, wrapping gifts or just being "the sister". The Christmas music was blaring, the tree was lit and the kitchen always smelled so good. My heart was definitely pumping a bit faster the whole day while everyone prepped for the evening festivities and then as soon as the sun set, it was like the curtain had been lifted: it was my job to go around to every room and turn on the window candle lights and flick on the big switch which was the spotlight to the front door. The stage was set. The dining room table was filled with food, the punch was made and presented, the bar was stocked, the dog was put in the upstairs bedroom until the guests started to settle in, the kitchen was warm, the fire was lit, the holiday music was filling the house, my parents looked all dressed up and beautiful and everything was right with my little world. The anticipation of Christmas Eve- late night and Christmas morning was mounting. I remember feeling so happy, so content like I was going to burst.

The evening was always a hit, people seemed to get pleasantly drunk but as I got older I always felt they were so relaxed and intoxicated not so much because of that punch but more so because of the ambiance and good cheer. My parents knew how to throw a warm, easy, comfortable party and people ate it up. The vision that remains strong in my head today is the thought of myself sitting at the top of the stairs later in the night after I had been kissed goodnight and put to bed and and while the party continued into the late night (late night for me then-9-10 pm) I was so sleepy but I remember feeling like I just had to listen to the sounds- the music was softer, the laughter turned to light conversation, the smell turned to coffee and remains from the fire, the air felt thick with all things good and I was semi awake when I should have been sleeping. It was so exciting. I would sit there with my knees to my chin until I heard the last goodbye, the spotlight turned off and my dad say he was going into the basement to get the gifts. That was my cue to hop back into bed and dream the good dreams.

To this day I still love the light from the Christmas tree, deviled eggs, holiday punch, watching the embers from the fire die out, the anticipation, late night Christmas eve and eating a brownie or Christmas cookie one last time before brushing up for bed. My house was always so full of Christmas with the colored lights, the smells, the energy and the love. I miss that house a lot; Christmas has never been the same anywhere else but I still have the love from the family, maybe some deviled eggs, definitely a fire in the fireplace and my mom and dad to kiss me good night. But I still wish I was young enough to not feel so thankful for it and just revel in the excitement of it all.