Last week when I was home there were a couple of times when an introduction for C.Love was necessary; there was either a neighbor in the kitchen, a nurse at the hospital or a friend of the parents around who needed some explanation as to who she was. Since my sister is running on fast forward and is able to get words out of her mouth faster than I can blink my eye, she unfortunately owned all of the introductions. She beat me to it every time and it drove me insane. The problem was that she first introduced me and then immediately said "and this is her roommate"... roommate?!, fuck. If I heard that word one more time I swear if my dad wasn't sick I would have gone off- either by totally correcting her in front of everyone or actually (what I should have done) discussing it with her at a later time, but instead I sucked it up and let the anger sit inside me. I was able to beat her to the punch only once and proudly said aloud "this is my partner, C. Love." I realized this was my sister's issue but come on now, grow the fuck up! I can't stand it and it's just another one of those things I either need to let go of or talk to her about it and let her know that it's not right, she's not my roommate.I was thinking about this, this morning when I read an article about Annie Liebowitz and her new book "A Photographer's Life,1990-2005". The book is a 'marriage', should we say between her two worlds: photographing celebrities and her private life, including her late 'companion' Susan Sontag. Annie was describing how she hates the word 'partner' when describing her relationship with Susan, instead she prefers the word 'lover'. Susan, she said was the love of her life but they had separate lives; they had separate apartments, did not co-parent and shared different views on life. But, as she said they were totally there for each other-they were in love. I guess to her the word lover cut through all the crap and described it best. Makes sense I guess.
I know every one's relationship is different and what may work for some people may not for others but it's hard for me to imagine being in love with someone and not living with them. I like sharing my life with C. Love, but I know many straight and gay couples who would prefer to live separate lives... whatever. So I was thinking about the word 'lover' and how much I hate that word to describe someone you are in relationship with; it not only sounds too sexual but one dimensional as well. I use the word 'partner' when describing C. Love and I, but that too sounds to professional, cold and without emotion or something. I want another word. Love, life partner, partner, companion, lover, even wife sounds a little corny to me. None of them work but until someone comes up with another, I guess "partner" will have to do. But the word roommate? ... I can't even believe it.
17 comments:
Roommate? Ouch, that one would hurt. Definitely a conversation for another day.
As for the terminology itself, I can't stand the word lover, it sounds like something cheap, far too sexual, and not encompassing enough to describe the other half of my heart and life. Amongst each other and close friends/family we call each other wife. In general public, for introductions, we use partner. I would probably prefer to use wife overall, since that's what we really are to each other, but I don't want to get into the whole gay marriage debate or questions with people.
"Roommate" sounds too high schooler-ish. Like "buddies" or something.
Don't know what I'd use. That's tough, trying to put a one dimensional term on a multi-dimensional relationship.
You have every right to be pissed, R.D. Roommate is an insult. I constantly have to correct my mother when she refers to someone's partner as his or her "friend".
I agree that "lover" conjures up only the sexual aspect of the relationship. "Girlfriend" strikes me as having a short shelf life before another more long-term description is appropriate. "Partner" does sound like a business arrangement but it's what we have to work with. "Wife" would be hard for me to use for some reason.
I'm not faced with this dilemma (yet) but roommate - definitely doesn't cut it - and sister should be made aware.
I take Sassy's point about wife,
denoting, the true nature of the relationship-but not wanting to get into a political debate..
Partner or (Life-Partner) seem to be the terminlogy of choice, however staid it may be-until something better...
My ex-husband used to introduce me as *his lady* -yuk-
My 85 yr old aunt introduces her live in bf as *her very special friend*
I like to take this opportunity to wish you and your partner, C Love a very Happy New Year!
"This is the hottie I see naked on a regular basis" ?
:)
We struggle with the name game too. My grandmother always introduces Miss A as my 'housemate'. It's her way of acknowledging our relationship while not outing us to the entire family. I find it odd, but endearing.
I usually introduce her as 'partner' to those we're out to, but I really like 'companion' better.
People don't really get that one though.
Maggie - I can say that? Without getting slapped?
Sharon-
You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of not getting slapped, but it might be worth it.
Mags
Sassy,
I understand the 'wife' thing but for some reason just can't get myself to say it. No debates here either.
Hey maggie, believe me if I had to stay in that house (my sister's) any longer than I did there definately would have been some colorful descriptions being used to combat the problem.
Kelly,
You're right "roommate" felt like an insult. My sister is so stuck in suburbia and for some reason refuses to acknoledge C. Love and I as a normal couple. We've been together longer than her and her husband! She says 'friend' a lot too but last week it was 'roommate' Makes me angry to even talk about it. I think she's still waiting for the phase to be over.
Only daughter,
I agree, sister should be made aware that she can't call us that anymore. She needs to get real- she knows better. "His lady"?! yikes, I'm sorry about that one. I hate when men call their wife their "old lady" I don't get it. Thanks for the good cheer. Happy New Year to you too!
Sharon,
Companion sounds like just a friend-like old, old people have 'companions' just to keep them company. There's no sex in there if it's a 'companion' but it's also a safe way of saying you are together- I get it.
How bout 'sexual life partner' Maybe there's not one term but more a description. "this is(blank) we share our life together as if we were married and we have hot sex as if if we weren't. We are in love just like you and your stupid husband" Whatever, I don't know.
I def would have pulled her aside immediatytely and said "roommate? Wtf?" I mean,I am assuming you and c.love have been together long enough for this to be a glaring embarassment from your sister.
As far as what to call someone 1-2 year -"girlfriend" 2-and beyond "wife"
I use wife most of the time. I feel we have earned it. Let someone even try to debate with me :)
Wow t2, only 2 years?
I hear you weese, as I said before I personally just have a problem with the 'wife' thing. Sounds too old or something. It's my issue-
Just out of curiousity because of the question on what to call a person you are in a relationship with - how long have you and clove been together just to put the title into perspective?
Well, if you put it that way and you're calling someone 'wife' after 2 years, than we definately own that title. I've been lucky enough to have C. Love as my 'partner'for 15 years. "Wife" doesn't seem to hold enough strength for us... I'm just saying.
Oww jees chick, roommate, no way, been there too. Fairy was intoduced as my "flatmate", me, I jumped back by saying "she's my fiancee".
Actually one time my cousin indroduced fairy as 'her cousin', I dunno if thats good or bad ... on one hand it means she see's her as family, but on the other hand ...
Kisses sweets and sorry it wasnt all you hoped it would be .. Im happy dad is getting there though :-)
XxXxXxXxXxX
sometimes you have to chose your battles, but 'roommate'? I'm with maggie, sounds like your at boarding school; that doesn't work.
My new gf and I have had this conversation about the terminology. She HATES 'partner' says it sounds cold, like a business transaction. I will say 'gf' but it sounds too much like friend, I will say 'my love', and to me it's perfect.
I don't like wife either, it sounds so...puritan.
peace
Hey mh, nice to see you!. Yea, the roommate comment blows big time but my sister has some issues going on, she's lucky I'm easy going... Thanks for the warm thoughts!
Storm Indigo,
'My love' is exactly what C. Love would prefer to say. That says it all I guess. Cheers!
You cracked me up with "this is(blank) we share our life together as if we were married and we have hot sex as if we weren't."
I'm not big on wife, but I will use it because I can't tell you have many times people have aked what type of business we own after using partner as an introduction. I like "my beloved", but I only use that when writing, it just sounds weird to say it. But I think it implies more than gf, not business partner, and avoids the politics of using wife.
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