anger,drugs and energy

I was so feeling so angry today, all day long. I couldn't wait to get out of work and leave; leave the day and enter the night. Nothing was wrong within the day, I just woke up feeling the anger. It probably would have helped if I didn't go into work and instead tried to figure out why I was so angry but that's not so easy either so I guess it's just as well. I feel sorry for anyone I came into contact with today, but then again they're used to it. Some days just seem more intense than others. I actually have a lot of anger inside me and I was thinking (after this weekend) that the only time I unleash it is in this blog. I realize I "go off" a lot in this blog and I understand my words may be a little harsh at times but it's a part of me that is real so I refuse to apologize for it. Afunt didn't waste any time telling me I was (in her words) a little prickly in my blog. After meeting her face to face for the first time it was like the second thing she said. It seemed as though it bothered her or something, but anyway it kept me thinking about the subject all weekend long.

I do have some anger stored up in me, what that's all about who knows but I'm thinking besides this blog and going off at work, I need a way to get my anger out. The problem is that I'm not an angry person; I'm a very calm, relaxed, somewhat intense person so doing physical things (besides, you know what... and running) I tend to stray from loud, rough, fast situations. I do love driving fast, that helps. Speeding always helps with the anger management but unfortunately my car these days is so bad off that it doesn't like it when I push it to perform more than it is able- it just won't let me drive with some verve and it's frustrating as hell.

I am definitely more when I write; I'm louder, more vocal, harsher, more judgemental (cus I can't fucking see you all), more brave, and more fearless. But that's normal, right? As my weekend buddies can attest to: in real life I am very relaxed, don't really swear too much, prefer to listen instead of speak, and like it slow and steady. What's the deal?! In my opinion I have the worst kind of anger because it's like always slowing boiling and only overflows every so often. It's similar to something being charged- I'm charged.

Anyway, today sucked, but I feel better already. I went running as soon as I got home, or should I say- sprinting. I ran out of the house like a bat out of hell (whatever that looks like). I picked up a pizza on the way home, sunk into the left over bottle of wine from the weekend and got a "check- in" e-mail from my 'Hotlanta' buddy so I'm all good. Drugs and energy; they do a body and mind good.

I know that anger is usually a mask for fear... hmmm, something to ponder as I drink the rest of this delicious wine.

a toast to the weekend

After falling asleep with computer on, cat curled up in my legs and C.Love at the store I woke up to a much welcomed place of silence and a not so pleasant feeling of void. I enjoy silence and after all the haze of the weekend it was nice to sit with some clarity; even if I was only clear on the fact that it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon on Memorial Day. The void part is what came through loud and clear though- they were right here and now they're back in(out) there.

But after I peeled myself from the couch and helped with the groceries, I did manage to finish off a bottle of red wine and come to the simple conclusion that we had one very special weekend, even if I couldn't seem to get any fucking words out of my mouth the whole time or couldn't get the analogy of 'comics coming to life' out of my head. Words will come, as will other thoughts but one thing stands strong today: thank god I started blogging because I probably never would have ever met any of these people otherwise. And as afunt is used to saying, "they're good eggs" (not that I thought any differently before this whole thing). I'm still processing all that happened during the weekend, not necessarily what we did or where we went but the important stuff about how we felt and for me how damn comfortable it actually was... bizarro. I've been freaking out about this weekend since the idea came up and actually thought about bailing on the whole thing all together but thankfully snapped out of it and decided to suck it up-I mean soak it up. Man, did I ever soak it up, like a kitchen sink sponge. It's difficult for me to be present in situations that are highly charged or unknown- and this weekend I got both. I've only been on one blind date in my life and it sucked and I tend to close up in situations I can't get a grip on. I was trying to explain that to kelly on the way to the airport but that situation wasn't so normal either so I may have sounded like the adults do on Charlie Brown (whawawa wahwa wa waaaha) for all I know.

Bottom line to this whole event, as t2 eluded to a little on Sunday night in the hotel, was this weekend was necessary for the big picture to become complete and sometimes the new, bizarre, hazy picture looks and feels a whole hell of alot brighter, older and calmer than the the old one's we know do. I'm thankful we decided to do this, thankful it was in Chicago (no escape), thankful they all exceeded any expectations I had of them and thankful it's over with. It was cool to meet bloggers up close and personal but still so strange I can't seem to get over it. It's that damn comic analogy...

she's back

I know it's crazy to watch a show because of it's host but it's not like I watch it with the volume down and look away at the moments she's not on; I enjoy watching the actual performances as well. I don't dance, I don't attempt to dance- well or have any knowledge on the subject. Sure I can move to music but my days of dancing have mostly been made up of sweaty drunken nights not moving to the music but slamming to the beat. When this show eventually works it's way down to the final contestants it's sheer entertainment- at least for me. It's amazing to me to watch so many (I'll say kids) with so much naked talent; I can't relate and I just watch in complete awe.

Thursday night it all returns: hot bodies, excellent dancers, amazing talent and Cat Deeley. She made my list. What a kick off to the weekend, "So You Think You can Dance" runs all Summer long. She's defintely a reason to stay in on a hot sultry night.

something I just have to say

I know this is going to sound insensitive, cold, maybe even mean but I can't stand children's art. You read correctly- CHILDREN'S ART.

An entire section of my town today is inundated with kids and all of their creative expressions in a street fair. Streets were blocked off, sidewalks littered with pencil drawings and four year olds in line at the coffee shop- it was just all too much. The only people interested in attending a kids art fair are people with kids. Unless I actually had a child (and I don't) who happens to have a drawing on display, or am a teacher required to attend, I find kids art fairs boring as hell.

I love kids- the way they think and speak and know, but as far as dealing with other people's kids I'm so not into it. And while we're on the subject of kids, let me add that I could care less about receiving baby pictures week after week of my friends newborn; hearing about their every noise, spit-up, nuance or milestone for weeks and months after that. One photo is enough. Other people's kids are like other people's dreams; I don't care to hear about them.

Neverland

An island and dream world; a metaphor for eternal childhood, immortality and escapism. Sounds perfect to me. Neverland may be a fictional place but I'd give anything to go hang out with Peter and those Lost Boys tonight, and any other time when I just can't seem to make sense out of my world-which happens way to often.

I know it's not a good thing when I revert back to my childhood to escape 'adulthood' or consciously avoid talking steps in my life just to stay put on my imaginary island, but it's so damn easy to do. I'm all about ease- ease, convenience and sereneness... and island life. Everything was so simplistic and easy when I was a kid, I had the world at my little fingertips. It all seemed to go awry as soon as finger painting became a skill of the past. When the braces came off things were looking up, but then sexuality came flying in- like a U.F.O. Unidentified says it all.

These days I seem to be struggling with the final push to either grow up or continue to stay on my island forever. I've conveniently enough, managed to create a way for myself to get off the island whenever needed; kick into adult mode to deal with adult situations, conversations, decisions, transactions and confrontations- that's no problem, and I actually do it quite well. The problem is that whenever I step off the island and hit the main land to deal with whatever I need to deal with, my desire to hop right back on that boat and sail away is imminent. Take me away from responsibility, finance, family, decisions and the doom of getting 'old'. I'll tell you this much, I've enjoyed my 30's and early 40's way more than my twenties-they sucked. Turning the actual 4-0, the night of, was torturous but it's been pretty blissful since then. Maybe that night I left one of my shoes back on the island; it may be time to go retrieve it once and for all- maybe that's the problem. I feel like I'm missing something here lately; missing a part of me that will feel OK on the mainland-forever. I fear if I step off and stay off, I will never be able to return. My 'spidey' sense says that's a bunch of crap, but it's still a fear so...

That Peter Pan bistro might be the perfect solution to feeling too adult these days. At least it's a step more mature (and safer) than an island filled with lost boys and fairies. Or maybe I should just go to drinking in Disneyland with goofy and the gang. Maybe that'll shake some sense into me.

passing thought

Wednesday morning- drinking coffee, trying to wake up, watching television with the volume down and thinking about pizza... I love pizza. I could eat it every day, but it's strange that I'm thinking about it now.

The best pizza anywhere, hands down is Pizzeria Regina's in Boston. Chicago Pizza sucks. Well, it doesn't suck if you like pizza six inches deep with enough cheese to fill your living room with. I prefer thin crust, good sauce, not too much cheese and some grease. Pizzeria Regina's is so good you don't need toppings but otherwise I like the veggies and pepperoni. My recommendation?, if you live anywhere near this place GO. You will not be disappointed.

Pee like a man

How nice would that be, to pee like a man. Think about it- there would be no more squatting, straddling, paper arranging or holding it. Just whip it out and let it fly. Sounds good to me, it's a hell of a lot easier and way more convenient (and I'm all over that). Now I'm not saying I want to be a man, just maybe pee like one if needed.

The other night I was pulled into a conversation about women peeing while standing. I think it came up because someone was talking about going camping and using this. Unfortunately I missed the intro about using the tool, so when I joined the conversation I thought they were discussing women who simply choose to stand while urinating (hate that word) and found the subject quite interesting. I had known about this phenomenon being quite popular in the lesbian community because of the 'wanting to be a man' fetish and I had heard about the using the tool because of sanitary reasons but I was unaware of any straight women having the urge to stand. The particular women I was hanging out with were gay but some of them wanted to actually not have to use the tool at all; they wanted to know if it was possible to learn how to do it with 'direction'. Now why they were asking me I have no idea; I wasn't offering any advice or speaking from experience just giving support, but it got me thinking.

The tools used for this act range from a paper disposable kind to a funnel type plastic thing. The more I think about it the more inviting it sounds but I don't want to be carrying around a pack of anything in my pocket or on my body except maybe gum so it's out for me. Except if I had to go camping, then I'm in. The funny thing is I could totally see myself keeping a stash of them in my glove compartment for those disgusting restroom visits on road trips or just road trips in general- hell who needs a restroom if I got one of these. So the funnel thing is one thing but doing it without anything is whole other issue.

So I'm throwing the concept out there for you all to ponder- peeing while standing- with or without the tool. What are your thoughts , concerns, feelings or experiences. Inquiring minds want to know...