See ya next year... I guess

I started this damn post on Sunday, went back to it on Tuesday night, but wasn't really quite sure where it was headed. That was until I read zoe's post, now I know this is just a case of adding fuel to an already existing fire.

When we cancelled our cable last November the only thing, and I mean the only thing we were upset about was knowing we were going to miss the ladies on Showtime- you know the ones. The only reason we got digital cable in the first place was to watch that damn show in the comfort of our own livingroom. After Sunday night I was so thankful we made that decision. We actually only saw the first and last episode of season 3, but to to echo Zoe's thoughts... the last episode of the L Word sucked!!!!!!!!!!!! Wedding dresses, Shane leaving the scene of love...again, Julie Roberts brother as her Dad?... Bette and that baby driving into the abyss, skiing, Max's facial hair, boyfriends? it was all just too much, not very funny and not sexy at all. I don't know about you, but we (used to) like watching it when there were no babies crying, when Jenny couldn't find her way out of that shed, when Shane took a dip in the pool with a different woman every day, when Bette and Tina were actually Bette and Tina, when Dana was alive and well fumbling with her sexuality, when the only guy on the show was Tim, when the Planet was just a place to kick back and get a cup of Joe... and when it felt good to watch the show because the issues seemed somewhat normal; now it all seems like a big fat joke. Check out Alice's face- not funny right? She used to be funny, like Dana was. Now she's crazy and Dana is dead. Dead? Did they really have to do that!? Nobody likes hospital scenes-nobody. WE JUST WANT HOT SEX WITH SHANE and more beautiful women walking around drinking coffee. That's why we watched in the first place- duh.We got enough problems just being a lesbian.

We used to be obsessed with the show in season 1 because it was so refreshing and cool to see hot, successful, lesbians on T.V. It was unfortunately something we have craved for a very long time, a sad as that is. They were living somewhat normal lives and it made us feel…well, normal. Even if it was fake. Season 3 sucked, I totally believe and trust whatever Zoe said. Oh and the music?... SUCKED! Who the hell was that? I hate rap, I hate lesbians rapping, and I also hate that band Betty. The music in season one was great, where did it go? I don’t know, I obviouly have no clue. It was very disappointing to watch that show on Sunday night, and we had to do it with a bunch of drunken lesbians at a local bar-standing up.

When we came home we stripped ourselves of our smokey smelling clothes, fell onto the couch, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was over. And then I felt an uncontrollable need to connect with my blogging world and get back into reality; back to a world where the interesting, funny lesbians are. Thank you.

Love at First Sight

I was just reading this post that I wrote last August. Every single word still rings true seven months later-except the title. I am in love with Cape Cod and when things don’t feel good wherever I am, I think about the Cape. I can’t help it. I was going to write about the fact that I just opened a bottle of wine from our party and how it doesn’t really taste so good; I don’t know why I’m drinking it. My frozen pizza is pretty good though… hmmm, something seems off… So I went to my old post for some comforting thoughts when I started thinking about how many people have had dysfunctional parents and therefore, troubled childhoods. It makes me so sad every time I hear anything about any child suffering in any way. I have no idea how I went from frozen pizza to abused children and before your mind gets a hold of you, don’t worry I’m not going there. I can’t. Instead I thought I would take this opportunity to work on a writing piece that I have going now; although I’m not sure where it’s going, if only to my parents.

My parents have been married for like 46, 47, 48 years. I’m not sure at this very moment because I refuse to get up and check. They met each other, in my belief, due to fate and the universe at work. Ever since I heard the story I like to pretend it’s my own personal fairy tale come true. I feel so very fortunate to not only share it with others because of the warmth it brings to them but more so because I am a product of it. I share so much of my parents strength and love it’s sometimes overwhelmingly eerie. They met each other on the beaches of Cape Cod. I’ve always said the Cape is very powerful, there’s something going on there that is a force only the ocean and whatever is in that breeze can control. My parent got swept up in that force, fell in love and let the Cape take hold. And I’m ever so thankful they did.

They met in 1958 in true Frankie and Annette fashion: on the beach in the summer, with their friends and their blankets. My dad was down there building a house with his family when my mom’s sister was visiting on the same road. One day my mom’s sister was walking to the beach and she passed the house my dad was working on when he and his brother happened to be hanging out…looking out the window. The hammers and nails were dropped, bathing suits put on and they immediately went down to the beach to find out who the blond bomb shell was. I guess words were exchanged, but I’m a little unclear about the details. Every time I ask my parents for a re-enactment they can’t seem to remember so clearly. Oh well. The point is that the next day my future aunt got on the phone to her sister and told her she needed to come down to the Cape because there were two “good-looking” guys new to the neighborhood and one of them she just had to meet. So my mom did just that: scheduled a vacation, hopped the train from New York City and met her sister on the beach. She also met you know who… my dad. They immediately hit it off, spend the entire day on the beach and made a date for later that night. Three dates later they were engaged... I know. My dad popped the question on their fourth date at the movie theatre; my mom says she knew it was going to happen, she just felt it. The funny thing is that my dad was actually dating someone pretty seriously at the time, but a soon as he set eyes on my mom his world totally became all her. He pitched the old girlfriend the next day and spent four days basking in love, lust and the ocean air on Cape Cod with my mom! Their third date was at a really cool bar called the Woodshed, and strangely enough I hung out there when I was growing up and it still stands strong today.

Their story amazes me because it is about my own parents but the fact that they fell in love while on Cape Cod is even more special. I know why I love the Cape, I have history there and I believe part of my soul remains there which is why I feel so much more at peace when I can bask in the aura of it. I got to spend every summer as a kid at my grandmother’s house, the one my dad was building and now my parents live year round across the street from that very home. The day we sold my grandmother’s house I remember crying. I wasn’t really sure why, I just didn’t want to let it go. Over the years I learned that it wasn’t the actual house I didn’t want to let go of it was the connection I had with my parents, the cape and our family dynamics. I miss being a little kid on Cape Cod in the summer, but I love being an adult on Cape Cod. Five more months…

The power of now

Every Saturday I go for a run down to the lakefront, it’s only about a mile down but to make it longer I do a huge loop. Today I wore my Boston Red Sox knit hat because my blogging buddy Kelly got me all excited about New England and baseball season. Damn her. It’s still 40 degrees with no warm up in sight; but as chilly as it was on the lake a hint of spring was definitely in the air. The sun has real warmth to it and you can tell by the sky that it’s not January sun. Just a little while longer I guess.

I have an uncontrollable need to run down to lake whenever I go out because it oddly feels like an escape into endless possibility. I can’t breathe during the week, mentally or physically because of the state of mind I’m in these days. I’ve been feeling trapped, stuck, frustrated, and today- quite sad. I’m not happy with where I am in my life and I want things to change. When I run down to the lake my mind opens up and I can breath. I’m usually able to write a potential article or post in my head every time or get some sort of inspiring thought along the way. Monday through Friday I’m shut down and it sucks big time. I hate my job because of how mind numbing it actually is. I work in a basement which is kind of ironic because I remember wanting to spend endless amounts of time in my basement as a little kid; by myself with my records. I don’t want to do it anymore, now I have my CD’s, but it doesn’t feel good. It’s not like I don’t see the light of day from 9-4, I get outside once in awhile and head to the other part of the building where the sky light and doors are but the trapped feeling remains. I made the decision many, many years ago that I would never put myself into a job that I hated, so I worked in the music buisness and life was grand. No money, but life was grand. Then somehow I ended up in the job I am in now and have been there for close to 9 or 10 years-I don’t even know. I never hated my job and I don’t really hate it now, I’m just fed up with everything surrounding it and my mind is turning to mush. The job has been very enjoyable over the years: entertaining, comfortable, easy, pays well, good insurance, flexibility around my schedule, no weekends and I’ve made some long lasting friendships. All of that has been wonderful but over the last year or so it has become increasingly unbearable to be there. My soul is not aligned with my work and when that happens -look out. I try to accept the frustration as a positive force because now maybe I’ll make some sort of move, whereas for the last 8 years I’ve been basking in the convenience of the job and meandering through life.

There are too many times in a week that I say ‘I don’t want to do this”, or “I wish …”, or “I want…” I’m tired of wanting for more when all I really have to do is go out and get it; that’s the hard part. That’s what takes determination, discipline, commitment, hard work, and lots of faith. I don’t want it to be warm out when it’s not, I don’t want to be driving a 1990 Toyota Camry that was handed to me from my girlfriends parents when all I want is a Jeep Wrangler. I don’t want to come home from work and turn on the TV or computer and pour a glass of red wine when what I really want is to step out onto my porch with brarefeet and a beer because it’s too hot for red wine. I don’t want to dream about heading to Cape Cod for two months in the summer when all I get is a week in August with my parents. (not that I’m not thankful for that), I don’t want to work in a basement, I want to be creative from my own home, I want kids to have already read my picture book and not hate the fact that it’s really only in idea form on my computer. I don’t want to argue with my girlfriend about money, all I want to do is spend it with her and not have to worry, and I don’t want to blog about what I want, I’d rather live the live I’ve imagined where I've imagined it.

I’ve made the decision to make my living as a writer about two years ago. I was fortunate to get published within that first year and then again a bit later but nothing since and I’m starting to worry. I’m concerned because I know in my heart of hearts I don’t want to go the freelance route-that completely sucks. I’m not sure how I want to write or even if I want to write at all. I actually hate the act of writing. I’ve recently hired a writing coach to help me along. At times I feel guilty with wanting more when so many people have less, but I keep telling myself that they can have more to-everyone can. On my run I was thinking about how much I actually do have in my life and to try to concentrate on that instead when I remembered The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. He’s a great spiritual teacher. When I came back from my run I remembered we had some The Power of Now inspirational cards collecting dust under our coffee table and I opened it up. The one on top was “the power of being present.”

The struggle with the power of being present in life is one that haunts me; and one I need to work on because I know it could help me out. My partner and I are very spiritual people; not in the religious sense, but in the universal sense. I believe that everything happens for a reason and we are all exactly where we are supposed to be at every moment. But that’s a difficult concept to grasp, especially when your mind tends to wander. I guess I’ll work on that tonight; C. Love comes home in two hours. I guess it’s time to get in the shower, get dinner figured out, clean up the mess I made from the day, chill the wine and be thankful I can do all that.

The card said this: "Make it a habit"- To monitor your mental-emotional state through self observation. "Am I at ease at this moment?" is a good question to ask yourself frequently. Or youcan ask: "What's going on inside me at this moment?". You want to know what I say to that? No and I'm starving.

California Dreaming

I don’t know if it’s a sign or not- probably not, but 8 out of 10 bloggers I click on are from California. What’s the deal? We’ve been thinking lately about the potential of relocating to sunny California and after freezing my ass off on my run yesterday the thought became more of a stream of consciousness than a passing thought. I can’t quite shake it.

This weather just sucks big time. Today the high is 42, with no warm up in sight. I hate the cold; I hate winter coats, sweaters, gloves, runny noses, forced heat, keeping my windows closed and eating soup. I’m sick of oatmeal and soup, but they warm the belly, so I swallow it- so does red wine and I’m even tired of that. Bring on the summer brews, flip flops and tank tops. I grew up in Boston where my dad made all the money so I had no worries, I now live in Evanston, IL where it’s not the most affordable city to live in and I’m thinking about California?….I know that place is anything but cheap. I’m doomed.

For those of you who know; correct me if I'm wrong but the draw to CA is the abundance of mouth watering fruits and healthy food, sunny days that are actually warm, an energy permeating the air that is filled with contentment, and a lightheartedness that for some bizarre reason is hard to pin point. I’m not going to be able to walk around coatless for probably another two full months, and even then I can’t go anywhere without some sort of second layer because of the air conditioning. I absolutely hate air conditioning; we only own one because of our dog (he’s since passed) the little guy needed a place to stay cool during those rare Midwest heat waves- you know?

The only reason we live in Chicago is because my girlfriend went to Northwestern grad school and when I came out from Boston to visit we kind of both fell in love with Evanston, IL. It’s a very cool city and it’s pretty much the only reason we stay here. Well, I shouldn’t say the sole reason; both of our families are back in Beantown and the distance from all of them excluding the niece and nephews is wonderful. We tend to revert back to feeling like we’re seven when we are near our families and it sucks. The weather out here is the same as the Northeast, it may even be better because of the lack of snow Chicago has gotten lately. The problem is that winter lingers on into May and picks up again in October, what kind of life is this? It’s a sucky one I tell ya-

We have some family in San Fran and both of us have careers we can pack up and move with; C. Love’s coaching practice is all done over the phone and I don’t have a career just yet-I’m struggling towards it. (The writing thing) Folks in the Midwest aren’t as open to change as much as Californians are so it seems like a logical move for the business and hell I can write anywhere and am always more inspired when I’m near the ocean so why not. Because it’s a big move.

Give me hot, humid ,sunny days and warm sultry nights, a couple of summer brews, a grill, a porch or deck, some good tunes, a day off (or not) and I’m good. Give me snow on March 24th and I’m not good. Maybe our dream will become a reality some day but for now I need to get my ass off the couch and go clean off and warm up my car.

Crash. If only-

I've just now rented and have seen the award winning movie “Crash”. I'm actually at a loss for words, not because I'm shocked at its intensity, but more so due to the in your face stereotypical nature of the film. Within 10 minutes we had the DVD player on pause because we had to discuss; “is everything so obvious for a reason?” There’s a racial thing there… and there, and there, and now there, and then again there, and there, oh there’s another one, and…there! Enough already!

I get it, it’s a movie about racism and yes it certainly got me thinking, but is everyone so stupid that they need it shoved in their faces? I really don’t think so, but it seems so popular I wonder if they do. Am I missing something here? Messages are more meaningful to me when they’re subtle, not when it’s spelled out in black and white-unless I’m just clueless to the situation. I was just waiting for Ryan Phillippe’s character to be gay, then we’d have all our bases covered.

We actually had to listen to the commentary the next night because we were so baffled by it. We thought maybe they portrayed these racist situations so belatedly for a reason and we just weren’t getting it. Nope. Can anyone help me out here? What’s going on?

Music to drink by

The top seven from the last post were only the top seven of the past week. Top seven ever?, now that would take some time and I actually don’t think I could do it.

Here’s that party playlist:

DISC 1 -August 2005- "In Between Days"
How To Be Dead- Snow Patrol
Be Mine- David Gray
Red Light- Johnny Lang
Look What You’ve Done- Jet
In The Sun- Joseph Arthur
Older Chests- Damien Rice
Sunshine- keane
Vicious World- Rufus Wainwright
La Cienga Just Smiled- Ryan Adams
Touble (acoustic)- Pink
Burning In The Sun- Blue Merle
Falling at Your Feet- Daniel Lanois
Yahweh- U2
Let Me Go Easy- Indigo Girls
First Day Of My Life- Bright Eyes
Lost Cause- Beck
Say Yes- Elliott Smith
Safe- Travis
Build- Housemartins

DISC 2- “Just One”
Each and Every One- Everything But The Girl
Tupelo Honey(live)- Van Morrison
We Are In Love- Harry Connick, Jr.
Ever Changing Moods (live)- Style Council
Overkill(Acoustic)- Colin Hay
Dancing In The Moonlight- Thin Lizzy
I Met a Girl- Wheat
Hands Down- Dashboard Confessional
Girl- Beck
Forever Young- Youth Group
Big Sur- The Thrills
Wonderwall- Ryan Adams
Sit Down- James
High- The Cure
Bend and Break- Keane
Iwoya- Angelique Kidjo & Dave Matthews
Hey Man- Nelly Furtado
I Can’t Wait To Meetchu- Macy Gray
Make Your Own Kind Of Music- Cass Elliot

DISC 3- Compliments from my friend from my days working in the record store.
Edge of the Ocean- Ivy
Godless- Dandy Warhols
Quierro Verte Sonreir- Carlos Vives
Sing Me Spanish Techno- New Pornographers
Feel Good Inc.- Gorillaz
Take What I can Get- Fine Young Cannibals
So Nice – Beble Gilberto
I Will Dare- Replacements
Mentira- LaLays
Ring The Bells- Mike Doughty
Powerless- Nelly Furtado
Long Time Coming- DeLays
FijateBien- Juanes
Chocolate- Snow Patrol
Summer Wine- Corrs and Bono
Nada Serio- Julieta Venegas
16 Military Wives- Decemberists
I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash

DISC 4- “C. Love’s dance picks"
Electric Barberella- Duran, Duran
The Way You Move- Outcast & Sleepy Brown
Love Will Never Do Without You- Janet Jackson
Gold Digger- Kanye West
Girls On Film- Duran, Duran
Hey Mama- Black Eyed Peas
Push it (remix)- Salt-N-Pepa
Don’t Look Back- Fine Young Cannibals
Rock Your Body- Justin Timberlake
Together Again- Janet Jackson
Opportunities- Pet Shop Boys
The Rockafella Shank- Fatboy Slim
Stand Above Me- OMD
Suavemente- Elvis Crespo
Switch- Will Smith
Signs- Snoop Dogg, Charlie Wilson & Justin T.

DISC 5 – Macy Gray, various

That took care of us from 7:30-1:30

The drawing is from a dude named Drew. His site is www.toothpastefordinner.com

You're it

Phew. Feels like I’ve been out of town for a month and locked in a room with no windows and it’s only because I haven’t had any internet service for 4 days, but I’m back on line now. It’s a good thing because the depression was starting to kick in last night, but I don’t want to go back there so I’m moving on.

Apparently I’ve been “tagged” by my best blogging friend, the mad hatter and I now have to come up with seven of my favorite songs… No problem, music is something I can discuss any time. It’s kind of funny because I had planned to write about all the tunes I played at my party when I lost access to the internet, so the timing for this task is perfect. I’ll still get to the play list for the party but that could take a while to compose so for now here are seven songs that I’ve been drawn to over the last…well seven days:

Forever Young - Youth Group. I’ve always loved the original from Alphaville, but when I first heard a portion of this song from Youth Group on The O.C, I immediately knew I had to download it and listen to it in its entirety in the comfort of my own living room.

In The Sun- Michael Stipe. Again, love the original by Joseph Arthur but when I heard Stipes’ rendition on the radio one day I pretty much froze in my tracks. His voice, as usual makes me just want to sit down, focus and listen to whatever the hell he’s singing.

Iowya- Angelique Kijo. This particular track from Angelique is probably the most radio friendly one she ever did; world music is her genre and Iowya makes you want to dance to that African rhythm. Dave Matthews is a guest on this one and he fits like a glove.

I Met a Girl- Wheat. Great tune; fun, fun and more cool fun.

Sing Me Spanish Techno- New pornographers. This particular tune made the party playlist also and it just gets the juices flowing…

Yahweh- U2. “How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb” has been on my top five since its debut and this particular track is one of my favorites. It’s in the car, on at work, in the player at home and on the ipod. I love it.

Curly Locks- Sinead O’Connor. Reggae Sinead: interesting, enjoyable and with this one quite sexy.

That’s it, the seven that got the most airplay in my world. It’s your turn. Pick whatever you’ve been drawn to lately musically, but just pick your top seven. Why seven? I have no idea. Go…

Zoe

Arcane One

Tara Dharma

Jenni Spinner

Los Angeles Lesbian

Mac

C.Love (guest star)

From chaos to calm

I love when something I’ve either said or believed in is shown to be true; pigs in a blanket are an excellent example. For years I’ve always said that particular hors d’oeuvre is one of the best ideas to either bring to a gathering or serve at your own and I have been proven correct in my thinking time and time again. Last night I made 100 piggies in little blankets and every single one was eaten before midnight. Excellent!

My party was a success, but I’m so glad it’s over. The Invitation was for 8 o’clock, the first guest came at 7:30 and the last left around one. The one thing I was obsessed with all week long was the music for the party and that seemed like it was unimportant; music, plenty of alcohol and ambiance are all you need, in my opinion for a successful party. And of course at least two very social people who can work the crowd- the rest will take care of itself. I consider myself a pretty good planner when it comes to having people over to drink. Whether they’re coming for cocktails or a huge bash, the basic preparation is the same: a clean home, plenty of wine and beer, a non alcoholic choice, low lighting (this is soooooo important), and good tunes. The type of food and music changes depending on the event. I created two new mixed cd’s for the 5 disc changer so I wouldn’t have to worry about it for at least 5-6 hours. The first one was a mixed cd I made last summer, it was a little mellow and good music for arriving guests. The second one was a little more up tempo but still on the mellow side to get the people in the mood to drink. The third was an even livelier one with music you could tap your feet to- or drink faster to. The fourth was a dance cd. My partner made that one; she’s into some of the hip-hop/techno 80’s/ pop stuff while I tend to stick with the not so trendy, non radio hits.

Besides the music, the alcohol flowed, food got eaten, weather cooperated so the smokers could hang on the back porch and kitty only had to be put into a room once for fear of her escaping. All in all it was a fun evening, but as I said I’m glad it’s over. Too much work has to go into preparing for a party and for the last 2 weeks my life has been put on hold because of it. When I’m not able to focus on myself and on my own thoughts I tend to feel disconnected from everything including myself. I hate not feeling grounded which is probably why I was obsessed about making those cd’s for the event. At least music grounds me and focusing on that helped with all the other crap; like invitees, cleaning and having soda in the house. I hate to have to buy soda.

A few things have emerged from the event that I’m not so proud of. Sometimes when I’m under the influence of alcohol I tend to speak without thinking and I said something a bit hurtful to someone. I’m not much of a talker at all in life, I’d much rather sit back, observe and listen, but give me some drinks after not eating all day and I have no problem telling it like it is. God, I’m embarrassed just talking about it. (It doesn’t happen often) Anyway, my friend was there with her husband and just last week they decided to give up their little kitten for adoption because they were having an issue with it peeing on everything and everyone… understandable, right? O.k., they got this kitten because their other cat escaped out the back door- never to be found. The new kitty was fine for months and months, then all of a sudden stated to pee in their bed, on the couch, on the dog, etc. and within days they made the joint decision to get rid of it. That’s where I don’t get it-at all, the decision was too sudden. So at the party we were laughing about something and this person’s name came up in regards to having children; my ears perked up, mouth opened and I said “Mary (not her real name) can’t have any kids, she can’t even keep a kitten in her home.” I totally meant it as a joke, but within an hour later she had me cornered in the kitchen telling me I upset her, and she was starting to cry. Cry? Pleeeeease don’t… I totally explained to her that I understood why they did it and it was my issue; I put animals on the same level as people. You can’t give back a child; you can’t give back an animal just because you don’t know what to do. Now I know it sucks when the cat pees on the sofa and bed and everything stinks- but don’t you try to figure out WHY it’s doing it? I mean, come on now…am I being silly or what? She totally feels horribly about it but I knew she did when I said what I said, which is why I shouldn’t have said it. I apologized to her today and told her a joke isn’t funny if it touches upon an issue and I’m very sorry to have upset her. I felt like an idiot.

I believe it's time to get back to reading The Four Agreements, It’s really hard to speak all the right things all the time, but I always wonder why that is. The fact that I felt so badly about what I said tells me that it’s just stuff I have going on inside myself right now. I’m not perfect. She told me that I helped her to realize some things that she just couldn’t get to and was unaware of, but that she knows. She gave me a hug and we're good. Good.

Everything’s cool now, except for the fact that she still doesn’t have a cat in her home, I had to throw out some beer and I have too much dip in my fridge. The good thing about all of this is I have enough wine in the house to not have to buy it in maybe a month. Excellent.

FUCK!!!!!!!

It’s five hours before the people start pouring in and my partner just called me and said, “We have a slight problem”. So being my calm self I say, “O.k., what’s wrong?”…

To make a long story short because the last thing I should be doing is blogging when I have 50 plus people coming over in four hours. I still have to go get ice and make the champagne punch, but this feels more important right now. We decided to throw a party to celebrate my partners birthday and finishing her certification process in Life Coaching. The party was originally going to be an invitation only gathering with some close friends and colleagues, but since we work with a bunch of young people it has turned into a bash with pretty much everyone at our work place and a few outside friends. We decided to send out “evites” to make it a little more formal and fun for us which turned into an obsession on my part by checking morning and all night to see who had responded, but that’s another story. We only sent invitations to a handful of people we actually work with; myself on Monday-Friday and my partner Tuesdays and Saturdays. The ages range from 18-60 but at times you’d swear everyone was still in junior high by their actions. The problem came up when one of the 18 year olds randomly asked another co-worker if they were going to our party and the random person responded with…I wasn’t invited. FUCK!!! This is why you should never befriend an 18 year old unless you’re …18. We’re like fucking movie stars at that place, but it sucks because we’re really not- we’re just gay. Apparently people like to be around gay people when it's convienent for them…go figure. I’m going to sound all high and mighty but it’s just to exaggerate my point. We can never have any type of gathering with any one from work without everyone else feeling left out, what the hell. I can’t stand it when other people’s insecurity gets in my way. We are both very well liked, my partner because of her sincerity, warmth, sense of humor, and innate ability to make people feel comfortable; and me because of my aloofness, calmness and kindness. Plus I tend to give off a sense of strength and mystery which everyone seems to be attracted to in one way or another. If people are not invited they immediately jump to a “not liking” thing and it’s just not true.

So now word is out that the friendly lesbians are having a party and some people are invited and others are not and feelings are being hurt. My partner can’t stand it when others feel hurt and I can’t stand it when others are hurt and angry at me when I didn’t do anything wrong. We have a right to only invite certain people, don’t we? It’s not an open house; it’s a birthday party… Fuck this sucks. I just wanted to have a fun party with my piggies in their blankets, hot wings and beer. Now it’s a fucking huge deal with everyone acting like two year olds. I’m sorry if I hurt anyone’s feelings, but I can’t worry about that right now. That’s their issue, right?

Three hours later... it's only like one hour away. It's strange because it's so quiet in here: the music is set but not on, kitty is sleeping, partner is not home yet...hmm... , I still need ice and I still have to make that punch. I'm getting kind of nervous, what the hell. We've had huge parties many times before. Maybe I'm anticipating something? Who knows, all I do know is that within two hours this place will be totally different. If anyone spills anything... I think I need a beer. Good luck to me.