Not what I crave

This came up in conversation with someone the other day and it comes up quite often in different circumstances so I was thinking there's probably a reason for it; I know the reasons are not the obvious ones though.

We were talking about rollercoasters and I said I had never been on one. I know, you're saying what?! never been on a roller coaster?. Yup, never. The reason being is because where I grew up in Massachussetts, there weren't any amusement parks close by and every summer we headed two hours south to Cape Cod and Cape Cod only. Sure we went camping every so often in New Hampshire and Maine and we took family vacations in the off season to Florida and Washington but still no amusement parks to be had. So after the rollercoaster comment, I immediately said "there are three big things that I've never done: one- never been on a rollercoaster; two- never ridden a horse; and three- never had a White Castle burger.

Rollercoasters, horses and burgers. Three kind of strange, random things that I've never experienced, and everytime I say it I think the same thing, that I have no burning desire to do any one. I can think of three other things I've never done that I'm dying to do: Head to the North shore in Hawaii, lay down on the beach and feel the power of the waves. I'd like to be able to pay cash for my next car and I'd like to try an In-N-Out burger while hanging in California. Now those are three fairly simple things for some other people but I'm sure they too have their own lists to deal with. For Gidget out there in hawaii, she may wishing she could try an authentic, deep dish Chicago style pizza... no problem dude, I'll be happy to trade you a pizza for a beach towel any day.

Here goes...

Being 'tagged' feels like when I used to receive those awful chain letters in the mail. But unlike being tagged on blogs, being the recipient of a chain letter used to scare me half to death, made me angry as hell and left me feeling 'empty'. Needless to say I have been tagged, and since it's from fairyland I can't walk away and pretend I never received it- the angels might get me.

When did I start blogging and why?

I started blogging on June 7, 2005. My first post was a music review of Coldplay's album, "X and Y". I think I started blogging because I was looking for a 'tool' to help me to write on a regular basis. Nothing else was working.

What don't I write about?

Well, I don't have any interest in writing about things that don't resonate with me at all. Even if it's stupid but it interests me in some way I'll blog about it, but I won't just write a post just to get something out there. Same goes for the comments, I won't ever comment on someone elses just for comment sake. I have to relate in some way in order for me to respond. I hate writing about politics, what my cat did yesterday or how many times per week I've had sex- and how it felt...

Am I and my blogging persona the same person?

Yes. And no. Mostly yes. I may be a little 'louder', harsher and more fearless on my blogg. Not so much in real life, unless I'm provoked...

How do I use blogging to build friendships?

I'm not sure that's what I'm doing because sometimes this doesn't feel real. Even though I know it is.

How do I describe my blogging style?

I don't know, I just write whatever hits hard in my gut, my mind, my eyes or my heart.

I am not going to pass this along to anyone specific because I don't like putting anyone on the spot, but let me know if you want to be touched and I'll be happy to 'tag' you.

Give me my swing set back... please.

Since I'm obviously (well I guess only to me) struggling with some issues lately: taking control of my life, kicking fear in the ass, living like I only have one life to live and knowing from the depth of my soul that it's now or never... I'm gonna spend some time writing about being a little kid. Because when I was a little kid none of this 'life' stuff was important, the only thing that made sense was me thinking: am I happy and if not, what I can do about it. Since I can't unfortunately play with my brother's friends just because my own are too boring to play with, or swing on my swing set until it's time for dinner or play with my colorforms or watch Mr. Rogers on T.V., I thought It might help me to feel better if I imagined what I would be doing tonight if I was 5 again. I certainly wouldn't be sitting here thinking about the fact that the rest of my life is in my own hands and I have complete control over what happens for me.... no way, not that.

If I were five tonight I would be outside playing 'kick the can' and kicking the hell out of that can; I could possibly be sitting in my bean bag chair with my bathing suit on waiting for the morning to come; I may be feeling really sleepy because I played kick ball all day long at the playground with my 'playgroup'; I could very well be sitting on my porch in my grandmother's lap feeling as though there's no better place to be; I might be walking on the beach with my mom, dad, brother and sister for an after dinner stroll; I could be just lying in bed listening to the sound of the waves or sitting at my dining room table admiring my sea shell collection from spending the last five hours at the beach. Whatever I may have been doing back then it didn't really matter. My point is that my mind was focused on feeling good, that's really all a little kid wants to feel and I remember I would do anything I had to do to get there, it was just a fact. There were no 'issues' to deal with, no fear, no anger, no thinking involved- just a focus on being content and feeling like everything was ok.

I wish I could think like a five year old when it didn't matter if I sat in my brother's treehouse till someone finally found me or spent the afternoons cutting big worms in half just to watch them move seperately. Because whatever I did didn't have any effect on whatever I was going to do next. Little kids live in the moment... I'm still that same little kid, I need to remember that. Everything's ok and everything will be ok, but it's not as easy as it once was to think like that.

crowd control

I have this love hate relationship with crowds and it drives me crazy. I love looking at them from a distance and commenting but hate when they come too close and invade my 'space'.

On Friday night we went to an outdoor concert, the headliner was the Indigo Girls. Now I've seen Indigo a thousand times, well not a thousand but close to it. This isn't however a review on their performance from the other night, all I'll say about that was that it was as always, very comforting and enjoyable to see them live and that night was no exception.

We went to a place called Ravinia Park in Highland Park, Il. Ravinia is an outdoor music venue known for its expansive beautiful lawn area which offers an informal place to kick back, enjoy a 'picnic' and listen to the music that's blaring from the speakers on the trees. The problem arises with everyone setting up camp: laying down the blankets, assembling the tables, opening the chairs, cracking open the beer or wine and setting up their food spread. It's like watching something personal in a public place-it's funny. The point is to hang back and relax under the sun and stars- if you can, I get easily distracted so it takes me awhile to settle down. Ravinia also has an open-air covered pavillion seating area for about 3,200; it is used mostly for symphony concerts, but it's open for all of the events all summer long. Anyway, my point is not to describe how beautiful this place is, it's to talk about how annoying it can be.

Most of the season ticket holders to Ravinia are upper class older folks who buy them for the classical series. The problem is... well two things: Ravinia is located in one of the most affluent suburbs in Illinois (you know where I going with this, right?) and the season ticket holders don't care who is performing on any given night, they just want to entertain- on their fucking big ass blanket. Lots of these people treat this so called 'lawn' area as if it were their livingroom/diningroom/kitchen, and it's annoying as hell to those people like myself who just want to hang out under the stars for a couple of hours, listen to some good tunes and munch on some fried chicken. It's usually an enjoyable time when we go but for some reason Friday night wasn't so great. I'm not sure if it was because I was in a negative space( bad discussion/argument with boss an hour before) or the crowd was extra annoying. I can't seem to seperate.

For starters it was an INDIGO GIRLS concert... hellllloooo!!? Indigo Girls?. Snotty republicans, preppy straight couples, kids, pregnant girly- girls and 'the girls' don't mix. Half of the people there had probably never even heard of the Indigo Girls and these same people were taking up massive lawn space with elaborate props and annoying habits. There are a few things I never want to see at an outdoor concert where sitting on the lawn is the option:
Little kids, high heels, high portable picnic tables, real candleabras- lit, rugs, strollers, a set up that is the replica of their diningroom table and people dressed like they're at the symphony. I saw all of this and more on Friday. And here are a few things I never want to see at an Indigo Girls concert but usually do:
Straight couples (sorry), little kids, people who are dressed like they are at the symphony, old couples, gay men (it just annoys me because they are everywhere), groups of straight women, and traditional looking older lesbian couples... (the look is old school) GET SOME NEW JEANS!!!!!!!! that's all I have to say about that-
So I saw all of this at the concert Friday night plus so much more I can't or shouldn't go into for various reasons. All that aside, we(I) managed to have an ok time while we drank our beer, ate our fried chicken and lounged in our chairs. We saw some friends, made new friends and heard some fabulous music by Amy and Emily, but I couldn't seem to shake my mood. I was still angry from my conversation at work so instead of the crowd entertaining me it just annoyed me more. I struggled with this as I did my best to just sit with myself and keep my mouth shut, but I ran out of beer-

I have a hard time letting something go from my system if I don't have the opportunity to discuss it and on Friday night my anger just swelled inside of me. Unfortunately I let it out on C. Love by acting cold, heartless and 'short'. I hate when that happens. I was unaware of it at the time but I also knew things just weren't right. I just assumed it was the annoying crowd. We had the beer and friends to distract us from my angst but needless to say the ride home sucked.

Through all of it I still managed to pour on the charm when the women next to us struggled with constructing their 'table in a bag', I hate to watch people struggle so I offered to help. I guess it worked because later on when it was time to light the candles, once again the ladies struggled- they needed a match and guess who had one- yup, only this time they came crawling (literally) to me. I guess they didn't sense my negative energy flowing in the wind. That's good, I don't like when it gets out. It's hard enough to control it on this blog, let alone up close and personal.

There's something good in everything. I guess.

I'll get right to the point- we rented the movie " Imagine Me and You" the other night and the only thing I took away from it was the questioning of who one of the main characters was; her 'real' name is Lena Heady and as you can see she's hot.

Two things here: One, the movie sucked and two, whoever wrote it is living in la-la land. It was about this gay chick who 'made eyes' with a bride at the bride's wedding; tried to get with her for the next hour or so (movie time) and finally wins her heart in the end... during a traffic jam- strange, but it involved 'catching her before she boarded the plane- the 'I can't do this to you' getaway plane. A lot of people have called this flick "cute" but cute is for little fluffy kittens, chubby little babies and stuffed animals- not a movie about the girl getting the girl. This movie was just goofy.

It was easy to watch but I'm not sure why it was rated R because there was no sex, language, drug use or violence. Just flowers and kissing, like I said- boring. It was like the movie took place fifty years from now when falling in love with someone of your same sex wouldn't be considered such a big deal- it's just a simple fact. There were no issues in this one, no internal struggles and no anger- none. The bride's family even drove the car to help their daughter win the girl in the end, one big happy family. Fluff I tell you, it was all fluff.

You can let your kids watch this one, it makes falling in love with the same sex look as easy and pain free as making playdough houses. The real world it's not; a good-looking movie it is.

From JonBenet to wimpy women

Trinity2 started it- Here's nine more things that 'make me sick':

Recap: #1- Little kids who look like JonBenet Ramsey. I can't stand those beauty pageants and it makes me ill to know that mothers are doing this to their children. Plus the kids just look freaky.

#2- People who complain that they are 'broke' while they lounge in front of their 50" plasma HDTV watching "Wife Swap" as they discuss where to go for the long weekend... What?!

#3- People who insist (or anyone who mentions it for that matter) that a child brought up in a home with a man and a women is the best thing for the child and if it's brought up in a 'gay' home it will be detrimental to their little well being. And the guy saying this has abused his wife in front of his child. Now they make me real sick. Sick to my stomach it's so maddening.

#4- People who ever say "it's only a dog"

#5- Watching a woman struggle in the diaper aisle because: a) she's miserable- b) she's got a little one in her arms screaming- c) three more running around like crazy kids and last but not least d) she's fucking pregnant...again. This same women uses food stamps at the check out and is talking to her kids as if they were the most horrible things in her life. Birth control is so simple, is it not? I don't get it, it makes me angry-then sick because little innocent children have to grow up with this.

#6- Food fests. Any 'taste of' any city. The amount of food people shove into their mouths makes me ill.

#7- The amount of skin showing at Wrigley Field. There are more young women in bathing suit tops there than people who care about baseball. And Everyone around here is scratching their heads trying to figure why exactly the cubs organization sucks. Duh...

#8- While I'm at it that brings up sweaty skin on un-attractive smelly people in general. I hate going to the grocery store when it's hot out because people smell, look sweaty and it all happens around food. Makes me want to vomit.

#9- Public swimming pools. Especially if I notice a little babies walking around with only diapers on sitting in the shallow end... all I can think about is diarrhea. Disgusting thought.

#10 -Women who can hardly stand on their own two feet. Helpless women who can't think for themselves, refuse to use the muscles in their body, take the 'submissive' angle, or think their life is worth shit without a man by their side.

That helped- give it a try...

The need for speed

There's been a lot of 'talk' around feeling stuck, moving forward, sex and drinking lately in blog land and it's got me thinking. Well, not that I don't feel or think about any of those things on a regular basis but trinity2's post got my juices flowing a little faster than usual this evening.

She was talking about the adrenaline rush and not being able to turn the feeling off. Part of me thinks she shouldn't turn it off; that's what it's all about- the rush. Granted you can't necessarily live your normal mundane life with the adrenaline turned up to high but the fact you can actually feel your adrenaline is something to take notice of. I was thinking that that's part of my problem theses days; I have an issue with not living my life to its fullest. Lately my mind has felt like it's had restraints on it preventing me from my creativity and enthusiasm and it's driving me insane. The other day I said I needed a miracle to occur, some huge thing that's like life changing. I was feeling like I needed an outside source to wake me up, to kick start my adrenaline and get my creative juices flowing again. I don't honestly know what that could be exactly. Jokingly I was saying something along the lines of " I need someomeone to just say here's a new jeep wrangler for you- I can't keep it and I don't want any money for it." (my car is slowing dying and could actually die any day now-could be tomorrow.) Not that that would in any way be life changing, but it would stop cluttering up my mind with stupid nonsense like hoping I make it to work without breaking down. Fuck, I hate old cars.

I think what I was thinking was if someone handed me a new jeep wrangler I'd get in and drive nonstop to the nearest coastline, where I could actually breath- and think freely. I was telling trinity2 that I love speed but then a wave of sadness come over me in the middle of writing my comment because I realized I rarely experience that feeling . I don't downhill ski, I can't stand snow; I've never been on a rollercoaster, hate amusement parks; I don't own a sports car anymore, can't speed in the SUV and my piece of junk shakes if I go over 60. If you don't own a motorcycle or drive a race car how the hell does one get to experience a little speed?! I'm not interested in jumping out of a plane or drinking gallons of Red Bull either.

It's an inner jump start I need. I think part of it is a mental stimulation, or emotional... or something. Anyway, I'm not a simple, dull, unexcitable person and I think my soul is trying to tell me that. I just wish it would speak louder...

nap time

Even my run sucked today. I can't seem to focus on anything, feel grounded or 'sit with' anything lately and whenever this happens I always want to figure out why.

It's Monday and it feels like Saturday; I didn't have the Sunday blues this week-instead it'll be the Tuesday night blues; It's the 4th of July weekend and there isn't one kid in the park next door; We've decided to have a yard sale- a yard sale?... we don't do stuff like that, we just bring huge garbage bags full of stuff to the donation place; We just purchased tickets to some "L Word" event at the House of Blues featuring Betty (I hate them) hosted by Ilene Chaiken with appearences by the cast?... what?, in Chicago?. I have no idea ( it's a 'Gay Games closing party) You all know how I feel about the idiodic Gay games, but this is different. There will be no running or jumping involved at the HOB. Where the fuck is the sun?! My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, I can't focus. Usually running helps me focus, or music... drinking always does, but it's too early for that.

One of the problems was that we didn't have any plans set up for this long weekend except for a cookout on Saturday night. That was fun but kind of strange at the same time. For starters it was requested that I bring my piggies in a blanket to this thing. It's a barbeque, not a cocktail party!... what's with wanting pigs in a blanket? I don't get it. (That reminds me to do a post on issues I have with parties-the do's and don'ts.) Then I went to grab a beer- no summer brews and the first one I tasted had rasberry in it. Disgusting, I HATE beers with flavors. You can't have a party on the 4th of July weekend and not have any summer brews in the cooler! You just can't... I drank Corona all night. We ended up eating at a table with all men; gay men and all couples. It was nice, strange but nice. But once again I find myself wondering where the hell all the women couples are. Always lots of nice, good-looking gay boys around...

The party was fine; I drank too much again; slept it off on Sunday, and here I am on Monday. Things are strange lately for lots of reasons, one being that C. Love has taken the summer off from her part time job to focus on her full time gig. This is all wonderful, good stuff but the fact that she's home all the time now has thrown me a bit. Saturday used to be my one day to focus on myself and I no longer have that. I need my space. I love C. love, this has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's just that I don't have any time to be with myself and myself only. I don't do well without it, but I need to try to figure something out because things aren't going to change.

So no structure, a change in routine and four days off in a row with nothing to do. I remember when I was a little kid I used to focus my day on that damn nap. I had a nap after lunch everyday, until I grew up and hit kindergarten, but before that no matter what happened during the day I knew I could look forward to that little stretch of time after lunch. Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to chill out. I loved nap time, it put structure in my little day and centered my little universe.

I don't want a nap now, I just want the after effects of it.

convenience is everything

Random statements and thoughts on the way to, during and after dinner on Friday night.

me: What's for dinner?
C.Love: I thought we'd go out for dinner (Friday is usually take out)
me thinking to myself: shit, I just went for a run, I'm kind of sweaty and my bandana has just wrecked my hair.
C.Love reads my mind and says "you can keep your bandana on if you want".

Work sucked but I left at 3 p.m, came home and went for a run (or a jog according to afuntanilla)
Since we decided to only go to Siam Pasta which is a couple of blocks away; we were going to walk there and eat outside, I figured it would be ok if I just changed my clothes and washed up a bit. (gross I know but it was a short run and I didn't smell. The bandana came off though.

C.Love: It's too early to go to dinner
me: you're right, let's just relax and have some cocktails!
C.Love: let's open the champagne (it's been in the fridge for way too long)
me: really? are you sure? (she didn't want to the other night, saving it for the right time)
C.Love: I listened to your summer cd today...
me: what!! that's not ready for public use!
C.Love: public use?
me: well I just... I need to change some things, I'm not completly satisfied... well, what do you think? (waiting patiently)
C.Love: well, I don't like the first song or the last, but it's good, it's very good. (ahh, that hurts)
me: I know, I don't like that last tune so much either but it works and I didn't even honestly think it would fit
C.Love: no, it's a great song and it's perfect, I just never loved it all that much.

Making mixed cd's takes me forever especially if it's a specialized one like this summer one. I'm never satisfied, but this year's is pretty good. I like it allright. I'll post the playlist another day.

C.Love: let's put in on now
me: ok!

C.Love: Now that woman is wearing a WHAT TO WEAR outfit!- nice.
me: I noticed, but only responded with a "yup" but was thinking that she looked good. She had a tight sleeveless black shirt on, brownish type fancy pants with a large flare and good sandals
C.Love: Today I saw someone with 'fancy' capris on, she had a good look: the right shoes and a crisp white shirt.
me: (laughing at 'fancy capris') Yah, capris are ok in certain situations. Somtimes they work, but most people abuse the look.

me: so trinity2 wrote another top ten post...
C.Love: wow, she's on a roll with those
me: I know, I love it. It's weird how we think the same things
C.Love: like what?, what did she say?
me: well, like one of the things that bugs her is when people eat like they're an animal; all hunched over their plate, not sitting up, taking a breath or acting normal-like that guy over there. You know, they shovel it in as if they haven't eaten in days...
me: why are there so many strange people around-

We regularly discuss the blogging world. C. Love likes to be informed to what's going on with everyone, and I like talking about it. It cracks me up, makes me feel good and is interesting.

me: that guy over there is an abuser
C.Love: what are you talking about!?
me: he hasn't stoped talking since he sat down and he won't let that woman speak- plus he's ordering her whole meal for her.

I can't stand it when the guy takes total control and speaks for his date or whatever she is. It's strange when someone orders for someone else... unless they have laryngtis. This couple was odd anyway; something just told me he was some kind of an abuser.

me: I wonder if this place realizes they have one of the best outdoor eating ares in town.
C. Love: I don't know,but the tables are too close together. I'm glad we moved our seats.
me: I know, I hate that but it's off the street and up high. It feels like we're in a treehouse. It's cool.
C.Love: you're a good date
me: what? why, what are you takin about...
C.Love: you're funny, attractive and easy, just a good date! (saying it like she's just met me)
me: (embarrassed) thanks... you're not so bad yourself. I like looking at you...

C.Love: those punks got out of that van
me: vans are never good news (chuckle to myself at what I just said)
vans are never good news? what is that-

me: they need an ice cream joint around here.
C. Love: we have some at home
me: I know, I'm just saying...

C.Love: that was a fun night: good food, it was cheap and convenient.
me: yeah, convenient, I'm all over that. Love convenience.
C. Love: I know... (sometimes it's an issue for us)

C. Love: how many beers did you have tonight?
me: what? I only had one- at dinner. Two glasses of champage and one beer-why?

That's the last thing I remember saying, then I was out like a light.