running to stand still

I had intended for this post to be about all the negative things that happened today and to list my top ten, then I got an e-mail from my sister with photos of my nephews and I while on vacation and everything changed. As soon as I opened a bottle of wine (red because it was freezing out), sat with C.Love and my kitten on the couch for a couple of minutes, the world amazingly seemed to change colors. It's funny how we can so easily get caught up with all of the bad vibes that attack us daily but it takes effort to recognize all the positive things that come into our space and conciousness. We get so used to feeling angry, getting upset and expecting the worst that it tends to take us over. I don't want to fill this void with negative energy- who needs that.

One of the photos I received today was of me, my 12 year old nephew and his 8 year old brother on the beach. I remember when my sister took it because it was taken at one of my happiest moments of the week. After enjoying a couple of afternoon beers with my Dad, sister and C.Love the kids started to get restless; after all it was around 4 p.m. and they had been there since one o'clock. The 8 year old is into extreme sports, anything physical and has some normal, healthy energy that unfortuately tends to be stifled by his parents and grandparents more often than not and I can't stand it. Any kid should be allowed to have as much fun and let out as much energy as they want to, especially when it's at an acceptable time but for some odd reason my family tends to look down upon anyone or anything looking too "happy". (or so I've noticed lately) Thankfully I don't see eye to eye on many things with my family and fooling around and being silly with kids is one of them.

The eight year old suddenly got excited for some reason and I noticed him doing sprints up and down the beach. Then I noticed him diving into the water, rolling all over the sand and diving in again; he was screaming and yelling like he was on fire. It was so great to watch him but all the while I just had this urge to run in after him or throw a ball or toss him into the waves, but I was having my photo taken with the adults- booooorrrrrrring. He was cracking me up while I sat there posing for the camera. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I could hear him saying to himself, but also loud enough for me to hear that 'I couldn't catch him'- as he went sprinting down the beach. That was all I needed, give me a challenge and I'm all over it.

One of the best moments of my week came when that last photo was taken, I dropped whatever was in my hand and I went sprinting up the beach to catch the little dude. He was running down by the water so I just took off after him and ran as fast as I could. (I was a sprinter in college) Since he was running so fast he couldn't hear me and was totally unaware that I was behind him and closing in fast. I could hear him breathing and puffing, hear his feet slapping the wet sand and hear the waves and the sound of my own breath when I finally caught up and reached out to grab him. He had no idea I was right there and when I touched his shirt- he freaked out, it was sooooo awesome! He freaked, I yelled, "I GOT YOU!", he turned slightly to see me, yelled something back and then kept running. As fast as his little legs would carry him. So much excitement in a split second. The look on the kids face as he turned was one of complete surprise and total amazement- it was so great, I'll never forget it and I honestly don't think he will either. We had so much fun that day I was wishing it could go on forever.

So instead of talking about annoying men, bad drivers, the sucky weather and my lack of patience for the masses; I decided to think about happy kids, drinking on the beach with my family, unconditional love and unforgettable memories. Nice turn- around if I do say so myself.

This one's for zoe

I just had to.

I was reading kelly's post about some foreign flick and people were kind of going on a little about the woman above- Catherine Deneuve. I don't know much about her or the film, so I had to see for myself. I'm thinking no thanks. She looks fake in that photo, like a clay figure or something. Check out the boobs, they definately look odd- right?

My a.d.d. kicks in with 'period' films, older foreign films and 'epics' (like Braveheart) so I don't think I'll even attempt to watch it but for those of you who do I hope you enjoy it. Looks like she's welcoming at least.

Update: C.Love just informed me that she's wearing a body suit. You see she didn't even hold my attention long enough for me to notice that. Wow, I guess it's been a long day...

A moment of silence... please

I'd like you all to please sit in silence for one second (or for the length of this post) and take a moment to remember the summer... ok thanks.

One of the worst days of the year happened today and it was totally unexpected. I had just planned to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work to pick up some cat litter when the cold hard truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Pumpkin colored bricks. After picking up the litter I headed straight to the checkout when I got distracted by the huge display of Pirate's Booty; I then realized I was starving and was mesmerized by all the other chips and snacks. I then got delayed in the magazine aisle for a bit, then finally made my way over to the checkout lady. There seemed to be some problem with the guy in line so I made a quick left down the beer aisle to just 'take a look' while I waited. (I didn't even go in for beer this time damn it.) My body just automatically gravitates to the beer, it's strange... Anyway, I figured since I was here I might as well just pick some up. All of a sudden I looked up and saw the hugest display of SAM ADAMS OCTOBERFEST blocking the aisle. Octoberfest!! It's too fucking early! As much as I absolutely love the day I walk in during late spring and see the summer brews, I despise when I stroll in sometime in August and see October-fucking-brew on the shelf. Hate it. I managed to poke around a little and grab the last six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale sitting there all by its lonesome shoved to the back. Like a beach with no one on it, it's a sad sight. I walked away holding that six pack like it was gold, but what I was thinking was hang on, just hang on- summer's not over yet.

I don't care if your summer sucked because it was TOO HOT. Boo hoo for you, I suffer nine fucking months out of the year. I have to put on a jacket, bring a sweater, maybe wear wool because it's warmer, worry that the restaurant will be freezing and I won't be able to eat fast enough to get the hell out, drink red wine for warmth, wear socks everyday, have hat head, etc, etc. My point is that I hate cold weather but more importantly adore the summer. I love everything summer represents; I love summer sports, clothing, (beers) and attitudes; I love eating outdoors, jogging at eight o'clock, having tan feet, feeling free and as I've mentioned before- breathing. Bottom line, summer is the bomb.

I know the summer season is pretty much over, it's back to school time soon and it gets dark now at 7:30, but it's only August 22. August is still officially summer in my book and unless I can find some more I got five more 'summer' beers to help me deal with the pain of it eventually ending.

JonBenet all over the television, no hair gel on carry-ons, October beer in the grocery stores; what the hell is going on...


photo was taken with my phone as I took my last steps off of Race Point Beach in Provincetown

Free to be

This one's for mad hatter. (pay no attention to the guy in the photo. )

When C. Love and I were strolling down Commercial Street in Provincetown last Friday night, we new we had to snap a photo for her. I'm not sure if she's in to hats at all, but I do know she would love this place. 'Free to be'- with the shops, fudge and scenery.

We headed out to Provincetown twice this year; the first time was because I had planned to meet my old friend for our yearly summer hook up. This time I met her on the beach during cocktail hour with a 6 pack of Rolling Rock and a copy of my summer cd in tow. As I thanked her for driving up to visit in an e-mail the next day, I was telling her that drinking on the beach is all I ever want to do and to have been able to do it on Race Point was superb, it was better than a scene I could have written for any movie. It was perfect, except for the fact that a 6 pack wasn't enough, but she had to drive back to Boston anyway. So we drank, laughed, got reaquainted a little more, stared at the ocean and sat in silence for seconds at a time; we talked about music, relationships, travel, beaches, family, our goals and our 'dreams'; we soaked up each other's energy, reminisced about some of our old drunken escapades and without saying a word let each other know that we have a strong connection-still, after 15 years. We sat there on one of the most beautiful beaches- in my opinion and hers (she's traveled all over the world and sat on many beaches. Myself just East Coast, West Coast, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii and the Greek Aisles.) My point being is Race Point Beach is out of control with it's natural beauty. There are no snack bars, houses or buildings in sight- just the rest rooms and Lighthouse. Sea grass, sand, ocean and space abound. I couldn't ask for any more.

When the beer was gone she gave me a lift into town so I could hook back up with my love, C. love who was doing a little shopping and sight seeing while I hung back at the beach. We all sat down for another drink, some chowder and some fried fish then we said goodbye to my old friend and C. Love and I continued to enjoy Provincetown- hand in hand. I noticed lots of ladies out that night, usually it's filled with groups of gay men. I was thinking how fortunate but also how sad it is that we have to go to the very edge of Massachusetts to be able to feel completely comfortable holding our girlfriends hands. Sure, we can do it anywhere we want but in Provincetown it's expected and accepted. Two straight women must feel awkward around there. I don't like to make a scene in general so it's been a challenge for me to show my affection towards C. Love in a lot of public places. I don't want to feel like I have to hold her hand to prove something, I just want to be able to hold it because of the connection we have and in Provincetown there's no reservations and no issue with 'showing'. Some of that is because I have more of a comfort level within myself but since Provincetown so welcomes it, the act itself has become simple- almost natural. It's so comforting for us to be there we almost made the decision to make it the town we would live in when it came time to look for property on the Cape. Almost.

The next time we ventured out to P-town last week was because it was a cloudy day, we needed some space from the family and we just felt like strolling and shopping some more. Whenever we head to the Cape we plan to go out to P-town because it's really the only place on Cape Cod where we can be ourselves. The Cape isn't the most multicultural area in Massachusetts. Not that we are of different cultures or anything, it's just the openness and diversity we crave. Plus there are tons of families vacationing on the Cape and that gets very annoying very quickly. There are still many families walking around Commercial Street but when they are surrounded by an overabundance of gay folks, drag queens and 'art'- it's easier to deal with them and their screaming kids. Anyway, I know a lot of you have been to Cape Cod and some of you have visited Provincetown or are going soon... but I hope that all of you can experience Provincetown someday the way I feel it should be: freely- with your girlfriend, relaxed mind and body, primed for some stimulation; whether it be fudge, scenery, fancy drinks, beer, a new t-shirt, jewlery or just her; my wish is that you get it.

It totally sucks that my vacation is over... that's all I can say for now.

Breathe in, breathe out

How often are we not conscious of our own breath or our own breathing rythm. Too often I suspect and too often is not a good thing.

We breathe in when we stand in front of the ocean to get that fresh salt air into our bodies and soul. We breathe in from feeling a huge relief has been lifted from our shoulders. We breathe in regularly if we practice meditation, yoga, or mindfulness. We breathe in from lack of air, from feeling phsically suffocated and from fright, but in any of these there's a chance we never breathe out again, or at least not immediately. We breathe in to hold things in: our anger, our frustration, our feelings, our fear and our discomfort. A lot of times we are fully aware of our breath in, but we get lost somewhere in between when we inhale and then again with the exhale. Of course we all phsically do it, it's natural but what I'm talking about is the consciousness of it and how that can get lost so easily it's kind of scary.

Lately I haven't felt like I can breathe because I have too much going on in my head and because I have an overwhelming feeling of feeling stifled- stifled from lack of air. It's not physical air I speak of, it's space from my routine, my partner, my stale mind and in a strange way from myself. One reason I love this hot weather is because it allows my mind to expand; in the winter it constricts. For basically seven months out of the year it's either freezing outside because of the elements or inside because of the forced cold air and my body as well as my mind tighten up. I can't think when I'm freezing, my mind literally goes numb. Weather aside, my mind is frozen these days because I think my soul needs to run free. When your mind is not aligned with your soul watch out. Crazy things begin to happen like getting frustrated easily, angered for no reason, speaking things you really don't feel and basically feeling like you are gasping for breath.

In three days we go on vacation to one of my favorite places in the entire world- Cape Cod. I'm hoping that my stress, frustration, anxiety, fear, and anger gets realeased with every breath out that I take. I'll have other challenges next week to deal with like someone kicking my seat on the airplane, fighting with the guy at the rental car place or struggling with my family and our 'dynamics' but they all seem so easy to deal with. I need a change of scenery, a different bed to sleep in, my mom's comforting voice, a break from life and a chance to breath out- the exhale is the powerful part. The air smells so clean out there it should be easy to breathe in and out mindfully, but I have a feeling the reason I will be doing it so easily isn't because I'll feel relaxed and happy but because my body and soul will feel like they are home. It'll feel right, hopefull all week long.