The sweetest

without a net

As expected, this whole "move" thing has brought up some of my issues and at this moment (unfortunately) continues to wreck havoc on my relationship and in turn has forced us to cancel our dinner plans for the evening.

I was just aimlessly scrolling through a bunch of old e-mails and I came across one that oddly enough hit the spot, calmed me down a bit (enough to attempt a post) and will thankfully allow me to trudge on with my process. My fear around this move or should I say 'fear of the unknown' has almost paralyzed me from making any attempt to move forward around it and instead has totally allowed the naysayer that lives inside of me to completely- 100% not only take over my mind but allow those stupid words to come out of my mouth as well. I've been wanting some 'proof' that everything will be ok for us in California especially after last weeks horrific events unfolded and since it's impossible to receive that, I've been living in a pretty bad place lately. My all knowing, strong, inner self knows we will be better than ok in California but that fucking negative voice always seems to win. I gotta find a way to put that thing on the bench and start letting the other guys play. So as some of you (or most of you) can attest to, when the negative voice rules our little world we tend to stay stuck in the gloom and doom and frolic in misery instead of embracing the potential joy of change.


Anyway, through the e-mail I came across "Today's Daily" and thought I'd share it with you all in case anyone else is entertaining the naysayer tonight instead of fun, human contact.

father knows best(?)

Like most dads, my dad has said a lot of things to me in our lifetime together- some good, some not so good, some just plain silly and some very meaningful but one thing he and my mom continually expressed was 'if you don't have anything nice to say to someone, don't say anything at all'. For some reason those words stuck and wouldn't it be nice if I could say I have lived my whole life abiding by that phrase- but (head down) I can't. As much as I hate to admitt it, I have said some hurtful, mean things to people in the course of my life time, and I do regret that. But I can honestly say that ever since I've "grown up" my track record has shown more silence than anything and I try to be aware of saying the nice things whenever I think or feel them- which is quite often.

My point of all this is that on Friday when we were on our way up to Minnesota to that wedding we made a pit stop at a McDonald's in Wisconsin to pee and we encountered a dad who obviously didn't drink the same kool-aid my parents drank. As C.Love and I were walking in one door this cheese head man and his little 6 year old son were walking out the other door. As soon as we stepped inside we hear- Don't ever talk to a lesbian, (pause) they all suck. I heard the words but couldn't seem to process them as quickly as C. love could (I was still in my morning fog) because she immediately responded with(as he was walking out the door) " thanks for that- we're lesbians" . I heard him, I heard her and I looked at the little kid- who was looking up at us. This whole interaction happened very quickly, like within 4 seconds but it lingered with me all weekend- just as McDonald's does. After C. Love blurted us 'out', the guy didn't miss a beat, didn't turn around to see who was speaking and responded with I don't care. He doesn't care- what a shock.

I was still processing the comment when I walked out of the restroom and remember saying to C. Love "there must be a "lesbian" behind the counter..." but all the while thinking what the hell? what kind of comment was that to let alone speak out loud but to say to your 6 year old?! I was honestly shocked this guy was actually saying those words, they didn't make sense- I realize we were in Wisconsin, but come on now! what the fuck! I don't get it. He's six!! After the shock and then the anger wore off, the sadness hit. I realize there are other people besides this man in Wisconsin that feel this way but thankfully I don't hear it too often because when I do it sets me back somewhat-

We got back in the car and C. Love came to the conclusion that this guy was problably married to one (a lesbo)or not married to one anymore- one can only hope. All I kept thinking was I hope that little guy only listens to his dad with one ear. Some words stick, hopefully those nine won't.

road trip

In about 45 minutes we have to get in the car and drive for 9 fucking hours. We're off to lame- ass Minnesota for a wedding. Everyone says "oh, pretty!" when I say Minnesota. Pretty? I say- for nine hours?! Pretty might be OK for two- not nine. Anyway, we drive up, go to the "grooms dinner" Friday night, wedding on Saturday and drive nine hours back on Sunday. That's my weekend.

Minnesota is fine but if I hand you a map and showed you exactly where in MN we will be you'd understand why I'm not looking forward to it all that much. How people live in the middle of nowhere as if they're stuck back in 1970 is beyond me. It's called a no frills weekend, that's for sure. In a way that's kind of refreshing, it was easy to choose a hotel because there was only two to choose from- Holiday or Comfort. We'll be in Willmar... if anyone knows where the hell that is.

So it's banquet tables, tradition and meat for dinner for me for the next 2 days- At least there's cable in the room so I can catch the Red Sox when we get back to the room tonight.

moving on

We've lived in Chicago for 11 years now, before that it was Boston for 32 and now we are off to California (city not determined yet) for the next phase. This next chapter feels like it could possibly be the most significant, meaningful, fulfilling and happiest yet, but only time will tell. You know it's funny but when we first moved here to Chicago we didn't know anyone, we were kind of unfamiliar with 'the lesbian community' and I started this blog in hopes of getting connected with some lesbians out here. Well, I did get connected with some other women- some lesbians, some not and some not so much but sometimes on weekends... I made some solid connections with friends from the blogging world as well but now It's time to start the whole process over again in a whole new city. Man, it sounds exhausting.

So here I sit in the comfort zone of my own home thinking about starting the process again. The thought of it is exciting but anxiety provoking at the same time. We wouldn't have made this decision if we weren't convinced at a much deeper more powerful level that it was the right thing to do. It's hard to think about leaving because we have built so much stability here over the last ten years: I have neighbors I trust my house key with, numerous friends I could call on a moments notice, a stable job with benefits up the wazoo, local coffee shops and liquor stores that know me and say hello as soon as I walk in, a mechanic and vet we trust whole heartedly, a house full of furniture and we have a very convenient, easy life on top of it all. On one hand it's so easy to stay and so tumultuous to leave but staying would equal stopping and leaving feels like growing- so we go.


We're going to California because we've been talking about it for years now. Plus they have the weather we crave, the food we love, the lifestyle we lead, the attitude we want surrounding us, the good spas C.Love can connect with, the beauty we prefer to look at and the ocean air that feeds our souls. But the real reason we're heading out to CA is because we know it's part of the puzzle, our whole life puzzle-(or path). As scary as this whole move is, it is overwhelmingly calming at the same time, it's kind of creepy. California is unfamiliar to us so we want to make sure we end up in the right area. You know... a lesbian friendly area... with cool shops and restaurants and stuff. Good luck to us, right?

So here goes, move #2. We are headed out to Long Beach at the end of October to check out the area, so if anyone out there can recommend a few potential places to live please enlighten me. One of my firsts posts was about the lesbian scene in Chicago and "a Lesbian in Los Angeles" had a few words to say but I need waaaaaaaaaaaay more. My biggest issue right now is trying to figure out how to tell people not to give us anything when we throw a huge going away party in December to say goodbye; (nothing except wine gift certificates that is)that and bringing our cat on the plane. I can feel this blogging thing will be used for a lot more than chit chat over the next 3 months so I'm warning you all now. A lot is going to come up for me and hopefully I'll see you on the other side -in sunny, warm California. Cheers.