Introductions

Last week when I was home there were a couple of times when an introduction for C.Love was necessary; there was either a neighbor in the kitchen, a nurse at the hospital or a friend of the parents around who needed some explanation as to who she was. Since my sister is running on fast forward and is able to get words out of her mouth faster than I can blink my eye, she unfortunately owned all of the introductions. She beat me to it every time and it drove me insane. The problem was that she first introduced me and then immediately said "and this is her roommate"... roommate?!, fuck. If I heard that word one more time I swear if my dad wasn't sick I would have gone off- either by totally correcting her in front of everyone or actually (what I should have done) discussing it with her at a later time, but instead I sucked it up and let the anger sit inside me. I was able to beat her to the punch only once and proudly said aloud "this is my partner, C. Love." I realized this was my sister's issue but come on now, grow the fuck up! I can't stand it and it's just another one of those things I either need to let go of or talk to her about it and let her know that it's not right, she's not my roommate.

I was thinking about this, this morning when I read an article about Annie Liebowitz and her new book "A Photographer's Life,1990-2005". The book is a 'marriage', should we say between her two worlds: photographing celebrities and her private life, including her late 'companion' Susan Sontag. Annie was describing how she hates the word 'partner' when describing her relationship with Susan, instead she prefers the word 'lover'. Susan, she said was the love of her life but they had separate lives; they had separate apartments, did not co-parent and shared different views on life. But, as she said they were totally there for each other-they were in love. I guess to her the word lover cut through all the crap and described it best. Makes sense I guess.

I know every one's relationship is different and what may work for some people may not for others but it's hard for me to imagine being in love with someone and not living with them. I like sharing my life with C. Love, but I know many straight and gay couples who would prefer to live separate lives... whatever. So I was thinking about the word 'lover' and how much I hate that word to describe someone you are in relationship with; it not only sounds too sexual but one dimensional as well. I use the word 'partner' when describing C. Love and I, but that too sounds to professional, cold and without emotion or something. I want another word. Love, life partner, partner, companion, lover, even wife sounds a little corny to me. None of them work but until someone comes up with another, I guess "partner" will have to do. But the word roommate? ... I can't even believe it.

too much

Sex in Maine while the parents are out, watching my mom break down on Christmas Eve because she was without her husband, listening to my 8 year old nephew play the trumpet, waiting for this trip to come to an end, craving vegetables, fighting back tears, experiencing another level to my relationship with C. Love- wanting my life back.

There's been so much going on in the last 5 days I can't even form complete sentences. My mind is full but I can't speak. In two days I head home to Chicago... I can't fucking wait-

Winter Solstice

I feel like I have one more night to do all I can do, (whatever that is) to prepare myself for what's to come. Tomorrow morning we head out to Boston, pick up the rental car and from then on I have no idea what will transpire- both mentally or physically. The one thing I'm holding on to is the fact that Friday is Winter Solstice. Not only is it the shortest day and longest night of the year but the sun is at its lowest point in the sky. The good news and what I'm holding on to is from this day forward the days begin to get longer and the nights shorter. To me, that only means one thing: summer is on its way... I wait all year for this day.

This Winter Solstice thing couldn't come at a better time because come Friday my dad will still be in intensive care; C. Love and I will not know whether or not we will need to separate come Christmas morning; we may have to actually spend Christmas in the hospital; we will be freezing to death because my sister lives in a mansion(not really) and keeps her heat practically off; dinner will be out of our control unless we offer to cook; we will have to share a bathroom with my mom, (hopefully dad) and my two nephews and not have any idea what the coming days will be like. Maybe when the sun starts elevating again, other things in the universe will shift- like good health, prosperity and joy. I was really looking forward to going home this year- enjoying my family in Boston and then heading up to Maine to laugh and love with C. Love's family but now everything's up in the air. I may have to stick around Boston if my dad is still in the hospital but I don't want C. Love to not see her own family so she may take the four hour drive up North solo- I hate the thought of that.

It's hard to not have any idea how I'm going to feel when I'm at home. Usually whenever I see the family my guard is up, I stick close to the kids and steer clear of any political, social or spiritual conversations with the adults. I really don't want to burst into tears when I hug my dad or mom; I don't think I will, although I don't trust myself too much with this one. The crying I don't mind but the timing of it I do. I can't pay attention to anything else going on when I do so I'd rather save it. I just need to hang on and not let my mind dip into that fragile space but as we all know sometimes stopping that from happening is like stopping Winter Solstice from ever ending-it's impossible.

I have to hold on to the fact that my dad is still alive, it's still Christmas time, there's a beautiful golden retriever at the home we are staying at, my niece is performing in The Nutcracker in the Boston Ballet and last but not least, summer is right around the corner. Bring it on-

no comment

Fuck, I can't seem to be able to leave any comments on certain blogs. One of them is you t2 and you too kelly. T2, I had no idea you were going to announce it to the world! Chill, we'll figure out the details- yes, I will be around but shhhhhh... and kelly I hope by now you're feeling better. Man, I loved being sick... sounds strange I know.

Well this week sucks. Sunday I found out my dad is back in the hospital in intensive care. He's still there, they think it's his heart but they're still not sure. Why they're not sure is beyond me. I can't stand thinking about him hooked up to machines, not eating and scared for his life. I can't stand it. I know he'll be ok, but it's a struggle waiting for that. Then on Tuesday I get a call at work that I need to go back to get a second mammogram because there was something not clear on the first one. Talk about a bad day: my dad practiacally (what feels like) on life support and my mamogram not cleared for take off. Next Thursday we head home for Christmas, I'm not sure anymore what that will be like, but I hope he'll be home by then. I have no idea.

I saw my energy healer yesterday and she helped to put my mind at ease around my dad and my boob- my thing is no big deal and he may need a heart procedure but again, it's not confirmed. Tonight we head out to C. Loves Christmas party at the zoo, should be fun- hopefully there will be some good-looking people to gaze at. I won't know anyone at this one so there will be a lot of introductions and simple conversation but the food sounds great and I'm sure there will be plenty of alcohol to keep me focused.

So anyway, what the hell is going on with not being able to comment?

Evening update: A quick thank you to all- my dad seems to be "sitting up in a chair" today and they have decided it's not his heart so he will be able to be home for Christmas. Much relief from this end. I'm off to a cool Christmas party so I better go get myself ready. Thank you all for your words and concern. Hey afunt, I was wondering what was going on with your other blog, I figured you just killed it. This issue sucks and someone better fix something fast. Catch you all on the flip side-

Sexy woman #10

"REPRESENT"


Alexandra Hedison completes the list.

I still believe in something

I'm going home for Christmas, home where my family is but I'll be at my sister's house sleeping in the basement on a pull out sofa- nothing like memories from the past.

If I had my wish I would have never grown up and remained a 5 yr old forever, of course this is an irrational thought but everything just felt so amazingly good when I was little that I can't help going back there in my mind- especially at Christmas time. (except when it was time to sit on santa's lap)

One recurring vision that comes up for me almost daily at this time of year is Christmas Eve, in the house I grew up in. Not only do I remember it like it was yesterday but I can literally feel the warmth and excitement inside my adult body when I imagine it, the exact same way I felt when I was 5, 6, 7 or 8. It was so strong back then I guess I could never let it go. Every Christmas Eve my family threw a huge open house for the neighborhood- some family members and anyone else who wanted to stop by were also invited. The excitement for me began as soon my little feet hit the floor first thing in the morning. Downstairs my mom was either fixing up the decorations in the living room or prepping something in the kitchen; my dad was usually making his ice block for the punch and then heading out to the store for anything we forgot to get, or he was collecting the fire wood from the back yard and piling it on the deck for later that night. My brother was typically in the basement playing with whatever he played with and my sister was hanging out in her (our) room, wrapping gifts or just being "the sister". The Christmas music was blaring, the tree was lit and the kitchen always smelled so good. My heart was definitely pumping a bit faster the whole day while everyone prepped for the evening festivities and then as soon as the sun set, it was like the curtain had been lifted: it was my job to go around to every room and turn on the window candle lights and flick on the big switch which was the spotlight to the front door. The stage was set. The dining room table was filled with food, the punch was made and presented, the bar was stocked, the dog was put in the upstairs bedroom until the guests started to settle in, the kitchen was warm, the fire was lit, the holiday music was filling the house, my parents looked all dressed up and beautiful and everything was right with my little world. The anticipation of Christmas Eve- late night and Christmas morning was mounting. I remember feeling so happy, so content like I was going to burst.

The evening was always a hit, people seemed to get pleasantly drunk but as I got older I always felt they were so relaxed and intoxicated not so much because of that punch but more so because of the ambiance and good cheer. My parents knew how to throw a warm, easy, comfortable party and people ate it up. The vision that remains strong in my head today is the thought of myself sitting at the top of the stairs later in the night after I had been kissed goodnight and put to bed and and while the party continued into the late night (late night for me then-9-10 pm) I was so sleepy but I remember feeling like I just had to listen to the sounds- the music was softer, the laughter turned to light conversation, the smell turned to coffee and remains from the fire, the air felt thick with all things good and I was semi awake when I should have been sleeping. It was so exciting. I would sit there with my knees to my chin until I heard the last goodbye, the spotlight turned off and my dad say he was going into the basement to get the gifts. That was my cue to hop back into bed and dream the good dreams.

To this day I still love the light from the Christmas tree, deviled eggs, holiday punch, watching the embers from the fire die out, the anticipation, late night Christmas eve and eating a brownie or Christmas cookie one last time before brushing up for bed. My house was always so full of Christmas with the colored lights, the smells, the energy and the love. I miss that house a lot; Christmas has never been the same anywhere else but I still have the love from the family, maybe some deviled eggs, definitely a fire in the fireplace and my mom and dad to kiss me good night. But I still wish I was young enough to not feel so thankful for it and just revel in the excitement of it all.

comfort control

There are tons of things we do in life to help ourselves feel better in a not so comfortable situation. For example, sometimes certain music may calm us down if we're driving alone in an unfamiliar environment. Or maybe we'll stick closely to our partner at a party for that extra moral support. I've been known to purposely arrive early and hang out for awhile when I'm headed into a situation that makes me feel nervous. I like to just sit and try to get in control.

Today I have to have my mammogram and I choose to have it here. The hospital has a whole little set up in the corner of the women's department; no one would even know it was there if they weren't looking for it. Who the fuck wants to go to a cold, nasty hospital and pay for parking to get their boobs squished. Not me. I like going where it doesn't feel so medical and severe and it smells good. This appoinment is not the most relaxing 15 minutes for most women especially if it may not be a 'routine' appointment. It's not that I enjoy going, but I don't really mind it when I go to this place, I want to thank someone but I don't who to thank.

I need a new shirt to complete my outfit for Saturday night- maybe I can find one after the squishing.

Sexy woman #9

I gotta do it, I have to put her on the list but I can't believe I'm actually saying it. Probably the only reason she's popping into my head at this particular moment is because of what I saw over Thanksgiving weekend, and it's only a week later so it's still fresh in my mind. Otherwise I'm sure there would be another beautiful, voluptous woman taking the #9 spot.

Now this pick's sexiness has nothing to do with looks; appearance maybe, but not actual facial features per say. Let me first state that I've never really been any kind of a Madonna fan. I've never seen her live, own only one album and always turn her off whenever she comes on the radio. I do however love to watch her perform and believe she totally exudes sexiness during (most of) her performances. On Nov 24, I caught The Confessions Tour on NBC and couldn't take my eyes off the set. I remember saying to C.Love half way through "I'm liking this a lot", and I never say stuff like that. I was obsessed with that show mostly because it was pure entertainment at its best -from a high energy, big budget, professional standpoint. But between all the hoopla there was one common thread: SEX- and it was intense. The woman is damn sexy when she sings. I know this is nothing new, Madonna has been linked with the word and meaning of 'sex' for years and for many different reasons, but I'm talking about the kind of sex that is not particularly spelled out for you with whips and chains. Her body is fantastic, her moves are sensual and her confidence is overwhelmingly real. Her body is hot and tight and combine that with some of those dance moves forget about it. But I'm a sucker for sexy dancing, I don't care who's doing it- it gets me every time.

I know mentioning the name Madonna stirs up a lot but all I want to focus on here is the fact that she is a sexy woman when she is on that stage, especially lately. Plus the woman is 48. That's all I have to say (as I cover my ears) ...

Winter storm watch pt 2

This is funny, I'm home from work again today but I had every intention of going in- even with the fucking snow storm still swirling about. I got up on time, downed my coffee, read the paper, cleaned off both the cars and then got a message from my boss saying that it was ok if I wanted to take another day to 'rest up' because it wasn't going to be busy due to the storm. Hell yah! At first I thought, well I'm up and ready to go so I might as well, then when I took an extra long time putting on my shoes and looking for my ipod I started to think about my decision. What am I stupid!, my boss actually called me and said I could have another sick day and it's Friday -so I called her back and told her I was going to accept her generous offer.

So here I sit again on the couch with my laptop appropriately on the lap and food network on the television. Oh, and looky there on the tv I see Giata... excellent. It's weird being home two days in a row; I just sit here all day doing nothing but it's great! I totally long for these days when I can just be- just do whatever the hell I want to do. I'm not bored at all, I actually feel inspired, motivated (which I rarely feel) and rested. I love hanging out and when you work 40 hrs a week you don't get much time to just hang, there's too much to do. I'm not sick enough to feel disoriented or fuzzy like Claire, just a little tired and not 100% right.

I have a six pack (well now it's a four pack) in my fridge. That's not odd but the bizarre thing is that it's been in there for close to 2 weeks. Two weeks! Six packs don't last in my fridge for longer than 2, 3 days. I can't wait to feel better so I can finish it off. I was just sitting here thinking about something zoe said in a comment. She was saying she didn't think people would actually like her if they met her. I don't get that, she seems very likable and might I add quite a popular blogger- as far as bloggers go. Strange the way people think sometimes, but stranger than that is that I think I could have this laptop on my lap for days on end. I'm pretty sure C. Love would eventually throw it across the room though if I were like this but not home sick from work.

I better do something productive like check my e-mail or maybe do some more Christmas shopping on line. Giata's off anyway... I'm glad she made my list, I still think it everytime I see her. She makes me feel better.

Evening update: Shit, rough night ahead. C.Love has just left the house to go to a party/fundraiser here and she looked and felt very 'hot' as I kissed her goodbye. Ok, now this sickness thing is getting on my nerves. I should have sucked it up and gone with her but I can't stop blowing my fucking nose! This is going to be hard, real hard- I'm always next to her.