Recipe for love... at least that's my goal

This week was a sucky, horrible week for various reasons that I won't bore you with, but I refused to end it on a down note so I developed a plan mid morning on Friday to help me kick start the weekend. My goal, and it felt like a huge one to concour, was to attempt find some of the the magic C. Love and I have lost. There are some changes going on within each of us these days and we are trying our hardest to not let it affect our relationship, but in a way that's virtually impossible. It completely sucks. Bottom line: she needs more connection, I need more space; she needs to "talk", I don't want to talk at all; she wants to figure out what's going on at all times and I want to bolt- These dynamics don't make it easy to enjoy each other's company. But I'm here to at least help to distract us from 'life', focus on what works and enjoy a fabulous meal in the process. I told her I was going to make dinner earlier in the day, with a thought in the back of my mind that my superior cooking skills, excellent taste in music and undeniable charm would win her back to me- at least for the evening.

The menu was as follows:

Grilled lamb chops with fresh rosemary, thyme, garlic and olive oil
Twice baked mashed potato with a little parmasan cheese
Sauteed green beans with toasted almond
Some warm crusty, rustic bread
Red wine

I stopped at the store on the way home, picked up the goods, rushed home and popped open the wine. She was on a buisness call when I got home so that allowed me to prep without her knowing. By prepping I mean prepare the food as well as myself. After she shut down the office for the night I greeted her with a glass of wine, a smile on my face and open arms...

I am happy to report it worked... phew.

bring it on

I’ve been somewhat obsessed with how poorly I felt I ran a 5k race a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been trying to figure out why. It was a miserable race; I was exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually. For starters the fucking race was first thing in the morning which is why I never run any of these- I’m no good in the morning. Period. I decided to run the thing because I was hoping for some sort of kick start, something to get my competitive juices flowing not only for that particular race but for where I am in my life. But nothing happened. I hate to run with crowds, especially older men who grunt their way through the race. SHUT UP-please. For those of you out there familiar with times, my time was 30:12- that wasn’t good enough for me. I’m not a huge runner but that was too slow, it actually sucks. There are many reasons why I struggled, but since I’m convinced running is mostly a mental game with ourselves, I guess I feel I just didn’t have what was needed for those measly 30 minutes-I didn't have the strength.

I consider myself a very strong woman. (my arm doesn't show it all) I am physically strong for being only 5’3-4” and something like 105 lbs. (haven’t been weighed in a while) but what I’m talking about here is mental strength. There’s been a lot of change in my life lately, nothing of physical value but more so from an inner restructuring. Nothing has felt right lately: I hate my job and it’s not working for me anymore, I can’t find good music to listen to, I don’t like where I live, it feels strange to drive my car and C. Love and I are learning to be together in a whole new way... that’s the most disturbing of all. Our relationships and jobs and home are like solid, normal things we can count on. They may suck at times or be problematic but we get accustomed to them, learn to deal around them and carry on with our life. When one of them speaks too loudly at us we either become a miserable bitch, a depressed, hopeless individual or a crazed lunatic. Or in my case, shut off. It feels like my world has been turned upside down just because my Saturday was taken away from me. C.Love used to work on Saturdays so she would leave the house in the morning and come home at the end of the day-but not anymore. I used to have the entire day to myself; I cherished it, waited for it patiently and used it to nourish my soul. It was a huge deal and now that it’s gone I am forced to find my inner strength in other unfamiliar ways.

There’s been a lot of talk about finding the strength lately; whether it is the strength to loose weight, to get in shape, to develop patience or to simply grow up once and fore all. One thing I’ve learned over the years is as soon as you have the desire to find the strength the rest will follow. The ‘rest’ may not be in the form of what you’ve imagined: the 10 lbs, the new job, or the toning of muscles, but some change is bound to occur. So listen to your little inner voice because it will speak to you. Back to that 5k race again, I know one reason I hated running it was because there was a start and a finish and boundaries all around it. I don’t do well with feeling trapped, I’m claustrophobic when it comes to MRI machines, block parties and mosh pits but as long as I am allowed to do what I want to do in as much time as I want to do it I’m cool. I like things to be slow, that’s why I love baseball and Mr. Rodgers. Slow it down, give me some room to breath, be quiet and chill out- that’s what I say. That race was stressful because I couldn’t just ‘be’- and I shut off. I shut down.

An inner voice told me to do that damn race which is why I followed through with it. Nothing has come of it… yet, but when it does I'm ready for it.

the skinny on bad fashion

Unfortunately there seems to be a new fashion trend hitting the stores and streets: the skinny black pant... or should we say LEGGINGS!!(yikes). I can just picture it now; women of all shapes and sizes attempting to wiggle into these things and struggling with not only trying to find the right shoes to wear with it but hating their bodies even more so than they do because they won't look good in them. Duh, it's a Skinny Black Pant. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN THEM, unless your like 7 or anorexic.

Come on 'GAP' we don't need this crap. I'm just witing for the day I walk into Starbucks and see that exact outfit on someone in line- hat and all- shit.

Happy fall everyone, enjoy the scenery. (from behind maybe)

Lost in space

Sometimes there are things about blogging that I just can't stand to deal with and they are as follows:

1. When I read someone's post and see that there are 52 comments, well not 52, but something like 16, 22, 28 etc. When the hell did all these people get there? Sometimes I'll just keep walking because I just don't want to be #562- or whatever. When a place is too crowded I'll leave.

2. When I know for a fact (site meter) that someone has been continually checking me out and will not say hello. If I catch you checking me out on line or in person and you don't say a word, I find it annoying and rude. Come on in and speak- it's easy.

3. When someone takes my comment and interprets it out of context. It's frustrating.

4. When I can't see their facial expressions. Actually that I can't see anything, but I guess that's the point.

5. When I land on someone's blog and then get distracted by something else (very easy for me) and I imagine them looking at their site meter noticing that I've been on it for a very long time. It really didn't take me 50 minutes to read your 3 sentences, I just got distracted and I'm sorry.

6.When I find out that two random blogging people are actual live friends. Blows my mind for some reason.

7. When I have to wait days for a response to a question type comment.

8. When I start to form a 'vision' of what someone looks like or imagine what they might be like and find out I'm completely wrong.

9. When I think that all this could just disappear any second because of something beyond my control. Or if someone just decides to quit. Poof- no more. That bothers me.

10. When I'm looking for something to do on any random night and I can't call one of you to grab a beer with.



That's not me by the way- just in case you thought so. I wouldn't wear that kind of bracelet...

Hook, line and lifejacket

I'm hooked. It didn't take long this time, actually whenever I've gottten hooked on anything or anyone for that matter it didn't take long.

It started with a willingness to be open and continued because of meaningful dialog and excellent background music. There has also been enough humor and sex tossed in to keep me and the rest of the world fully engaged instead of wanting to flee the scene for fear they may slip into that black hole of 'emotion' and never find their way out. It's the way little meaningless words are put together to form huge powerful statements- simple sentences people long to hear, is what amazes me; not because of what the words mean but more so because it's so simple and organic. The general viewing public seems to be captivated by it and that's what I find shocking. I wonder what kept people away from Party of Five, Felicity, and Relativity if they love this one so much. Maybe it's just because this one deals with mostly relationships, having 'feelings' for someone you can't necessarily have or struggling with the ones you do have and eveyone's an adult this time- people can relate and the fact that it's played out in a very real way makes it easier to watch- I guess. Like I said, it's simple but it amazes me. I always assumed quality shows like this and films like Titanic or Brokeback Mountain were just too much for people. Nobody likes to watch anything that may hit upon some of their issues, make them wonder about themselves, or feel anything- god forbid. Personally it's all I look for and live with day to day whether it's in real life, in the music I listen to, or the movies and television I watch. It's human connection at it's best and it's life- turned up, stripped down, stretched out and expressed. It's not because of the life threatening surgical procedures or because of the way anyone looks; nobody is real or even extremely good-looking for that matter- decent at best. Nobody's screaming, there's no rage on the street, no hatred or abuse. If anyone's yelling it's out of fear, lonliness or because of love and they just don't know what the hell else to do. It's the reading between the lines, leading with the heart instead of the head, thinking before speaking and listening instead of talking. I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy. (I realize I'm a little late with this one)

I had never seen even one episode of the show up until two weeks ago but from within the first 15 minutes I was hooked. I had never really wanted to watch Grey's Atatomy because of it's hype and overexposed hospital theme. General Hospital, ER, House, Scrubs, Doogie, Chicago Hope- it's been done before and ER got way too medical and depressing for me so I stopped watching. I listened to everyone talk about it but for some reason just never turned it on- never. I wasn't so excited to jump on the McDreamy bandwagon or watch any more people suffer in a hospital but from what I've seen so far, none of that is even remotely important with this show. Sure it takes place in a hospital but it's not about watching the open heart surgery procedure, it's about how the dude on the table or woman in the bed is dealing with their issue at hand. It's all about all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes of the surgury or diagnosis, or accident.

I don't typically enjoy being one of the crowd or part of the masses but this time it feels good. I'm glad people enjoy this show because it makes me think that maybe people aren't so bad afterall. Maybe, just maybe the world is starting to soften up. One can only hope- and watch the interns in Seattle deal-

running to stand still

I had intended for this post to be about all the negative things that happened today and to list my top ten, then I got an e-mail from my sister with photos of my nephews and I while on vacation and everything changed. As soon as I opened a bottle of wine (red because it was freezing out), sat with C.Love and my kitten on the couch for a couple of minutes, the world amazingly seemed to change colors. It's funny how we can so easily get caught up with all of the bad vibes that attack us daily but it takes effort to recognize all the positive things that come into our space and conciousness. We get so used to feeling angry, getting upset and expecting the worst that it tends to take us over. I don't want to fill this void with negative energy- who needs that.

One of the photos I received today was of me, my 12 year old nephew and his 8 year old brother on the beach. I remember when my sister took it because it was taken at one of my happiest moments of the week. After enjoying a couple of afternoon beers with my Dad, sister and C.Love the kids started to get restless; after all it was around 4 p.m. and they had been there since one o'clock. The 8 year old is into extreme sports, anything physical and has some normal, healthy energy that unfortuately tends to be stifled by his parents and grandparents more often than not and I can't stand it. Any kid should be allowed to have as much fun and let out as much energy as they want to, especially when it's at an acceptable time but for some odd reason my family tends to look down upon anyone or anything looking too "happy". (or so I've noticed lately) Thankfully I don't see eye to eye on many things with my family and fooling around and being silly with kids is one of them.

The eight year old suddenly got excited for some reason and I noticed him doing sprints up and down the beach. Then I noticed him diving into the water, rolling all over the sand and diving in again; he was screaming and yelling like he was on fire. It was so great to watch him but all the while I just had this urge to run in after him or throw a ball or toss him into the waves, but I was having my photo taken with the adults- booooorrrrrrring. He was cracking me up while I sat there posing for the camera. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I could hear him saying to himself, but also loud enough for me to hear that 'I couldn't catch him'- as he went sprinting down the beach. That was all I needed, give me a challenge and I'm all over it.

One of the best moments of my week came when that last photo was taken, I dropped whatever was in my hand and I went sprinting up the beach to catch the little dude. He was running down by the water so I just took off after him and ran as fast as I could. (I was a sprinter in college) Since he was running so fast he couldn't hear me and was totally unaware that I was behind him and closing in fast. I could hear him breathing and puffing, hear his feet slapping the wet sand and hear the waves and the sound of my own breath when I finally caught up and reached out to grab him. He had no idea I was right there and when I touched his shirt- he freaked out, it was sooooo awesome! He freaked, I yelled, "I GOT YOU!", he turned slightly to see me, yelled something back and then kept running. As fast as his little legs would carry him. So much excitement in a split second. The look on the kids face as he turned was one of complete surprise and total amazement- it was so great, I'll never forget it and I honestly don't think he will either. We had so much fun that day I was wishing it could go on forever.

So instead of talking about annoying men, bad drivers, the sucky weather and my lack of patience for the masses; I decided to think about happy kids, drinking on the beach with my family, unconditional love and unforgettable memories. Nice turn- around if I do say so myself.

This one's for zoe

I just had to.

I was reading kelly's post about some foreign flick and people were kind of going on a little about the woman above- Catherine Deneuve. I don't know much about her or the film, so I had to see for myself. I'm thinking no thanks. She looks fake in that photo, like a clay figure or something. Check out the boobs, they definately look odd- right?

My a.d.d. kicks in with 'period' films, older foreign films and 'epics' (like Braveheart) so I don't think I'll even attempt to watch it but for those of you who do I hope you enjoy it. Looks like she's welcoming at least.

Update: C.Love just informed me that she's wearing a body suit. You see she didn't even hold my attention long enough for me to notice that. Wow, I guess it's been a long day...

A moment of silence... please

I'd like you all to please sit in silence for one second (or for the length of this post) and take a moment to remember the summer... ok thanks.

One of the worst days of the year happened today and it was totally unexpected. I had just planned to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work to pick up some cat litter when the cold hard truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Pumpkin colored bricks. After picking up the litter I headed straight to the checkout when I got distracted by the huge display of Pirate's Booty; I then realized I was starving and was mesmerized by all the other chips and snacks. I then got delayed in the magazine aisle for a bit, then finally made my way over to the checkout lady. There seemed to be some problem with the guy in line so I made a quick left down the beer aisle to just 'take a look' while I waited. (I didn't even go in for beer this time damn it.) My body just automatically gravitates to the beer, it's strange... Anyway, I figured since I was here I might as well just pick some up. All of a sudden I looked up and saw the hugest display of SAM ADAMS OCTOBERFEST blocking the aisle. Octoberfest!! It's too fucking early! As much as I absolutely love the day I walk in during late spring and see the summer brews, I despise when I stroll in sometime in August and see October-fucking-brew on the shelf. Hate it. I managed to poke around a little and grab the last six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale sitting there all by its lonesome shoved to the back. Like a beach with no one on it, it's a sad sight. I walked away holding that six pack like it was gold, but what I was thinking was hang on, just hang on- summer's not over yet.

I don't care if your summer sucked because it was TOO HOT. Boo hoo for you, I suffer nine fucking months out of the year. I have to put on a jacket, bring a sweater, maybe wear wool because it's warmer, worry that the restaurant will be freezing and I won't be able to eat fast enough to get the hell out, drink red wine for warmth, wear socks everyday, have hat head, etc, etc. My point is that I hate cold weather but more importantly adore the summer. I love everything summer represents; I love summer sports, clothing, (beers) and attitudes; I love eating outdoors, jogging at eight o'clock, having tan feet, feeling free and as I've mentioned before- breathing. Bottom line, summer is the bomb.

I know the summer season is pretty much over, it's back to school time soon and it gets dark now at 7:30, but it's only August 22. August is still officially summer in my book and unless I can find some more I got five more 'summer' beers to help me deal with the pain of it eventually ending.

JonBenet all over the television, no hair gel on carry-ons, October beer in the grocery stores; what the hell is going on...


photo was taken with my phone as I took my last steps off of Race Point Beach in Provincetown

Free to be

This one's for mad hatter. (pay no attention to the guy in the photo. )

When C. Love and I were strolling down Commercial Street in Provincetown last Friday night, we new we had to snap a photo for her. I'm not sure if she's in to hats at all, but I do know she would love this place. 'Free to be'- with the shops, fudge and scenery.

We headed out to Provincetown twice this year; the first time was because I had planned to meet my old friend for our yearly summer hook up. This time I met her on the beach during cocktail hour with a 6 pack of Rolling Rock and a copy of my summer cd in tow. As I thanked her for driving up to visit in an e-mail the next day, I was telling her that drinking on the beach is all I ever want to do and to have been able to do it on Race Point was superb, it was better than a scene I could have written for any movie. It was perfect, except for the fact that a 6 pack wasn't enough, but she had to drive back to Boston anyway. So we drank, laughed, got reaquainted a little more, stared at the ocean and sat in silence for seconds at a time; we talked about music, relationships, travel, beaches, family, our goals and our 'dreams'; we soaked up each other's energy, reminisced about some of our old drunken escapades and without saying a word let each other know that we have a strong connection-still, after 15 years. We sat there on one of the most beautiful beaches- in my opinion and hers (she's traveled all over the world and sat on many beaches. Myself just East Coast, West Coast, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii and the Greek Aisles.) My point being is Race Point Beach is out of control with it's natural beauty. There are no snack bars, houses or buildings in sight- just the rest rooms and Lighthouse. Sea grass, sand, ocean and space abound. I couldn't ask for any more.

When the beer was gone she gave me a lift into town so I could hook back up with my love, C. love who was doing a little shopping and sight seeing while I hung back at the beach. We all sat down for another drink, some chowder and some fried fish then we said goodbye to my old friend and C. Love and I continued to enjoy Provincetown- hand in hand. I noticed lots of ladies out that night, usually it's filled with groups of gay men. I was thinking how fortunate but also how sad it is that we have to go to the very edge of Massachusetts to be able to feel completely comfortable holding our girlfriends hands. Sure, we can do it anywhere we want but in Provincetown it's expected and accepted. Two straight women must feel awkward around there. I don't like to make a scene in general so it's been a challenge for me to show my affection towards C. Love in a lot of public places. I don't want to feel like I have to hold her hand to prove something, I just want to be able to hold it because of the connection we have and in Provincetown there's no reservations and no issue with 'showing'. Some of that is because I have more of a comfort level within myself but since Provincetown so welcomes it, the act itself has become simple- almost natural. It's so comforting for us to be there we almost made the decision to make it the town we would live in when it came time to look for property on the Cape. Almost.

The next time we ventured out to P-town last week was because it was a cloudy day, we needed some space from the family and we just felt like strolling and shopping some more. Whenever we head to the Cape we plan to go out to P-town because it's really the only place on Cape Cod where we can be ourselves. The Cape isn't the most multicultural area in Massachusetts. Not that we are of different cultures or anything, it's just the openness and diversity we crave. Plus there are tons of families vacationing on the Cape and that gets very annoying very quickly. There are still many families walking around Commercial Street but when they are surrounded by an overabundance of gay folks, drag queens and 'art'- it's easier to deal with them and their screaming kids. Anyway, I know a lot of you have been to Cape Cod and some of you have visited Provincetown or are going soon... but I hope that all of you can experience Provincetown someday the way I feel it should be: freely- with your girlfriend, relaxed mind and body, primed for some stimulation; whether it be fudge, scenery, fancy drinks, beer, a new t-shirt, jewlery or just her; my wish is that you get it.

It totally sucks that my vacation is over... that's all I can say for now.

Breathe in, breathe out

How often are we not conscious of our own breath or our own breathing rythm. Too often I suspect and too often is not a good thing.

We breathe in when we stand in front of the ocean to get that fresh salt air into our bodies and soul. We breathe in from feeling a huge relief has been lifted from our shoulders. We breathe in regularly if we practice meditation, yoga, or mindfulness. We breathe in from lack of air, from feeling phsically suffocated and from fright, but in any of these there's a chance we never breathe out again, or at least not immediately. We breathe in to hold things in: our anger, our frustration, our feelings, our fear and our discomfort. A lot of times we are fully aware of our breath in, but we get lost somewhere in between when we inhale and then again with the exhale. Of course we all phsically do it, it's natural but what I'm talking about is the consciousness of it and how that can get lost so easily it's kind of scary.

Lately I haven't felt like I can breathe because I have too much going on in my head and because I have an overwhelming feeling of feeling stifled- stifled from lack of air. It's not physical air I speak of, it's space from my routine, my partner, my stale mind and in a strange way from myself. One reason I love this hot weather is because it allows my mind to expand; in the winter it constricts. For basically seven months out of the year it's either freezing outside because of the elements or inside because of the forced cold air and my body as well as my mind tighten up. I can't think when I'm freezing, my mind literally goes numb. Weather aside, my mind is frozen these days because I think my soul needs to run free. When your mind is not aligned with your soul watch out. Crazy things begin to happen like getting frustrated easily, angered for no reason, speaking things you really don't feel and basically feeling like you are gasping for breath.

In three days we go on vacation to one of my favorite places in the entire world- Cape Cod. I'm hoping that my stress, frustration, anxiety, fear, and anger gets realeased with every breath out that I take. I'll have other challenges next week to deal with like someone kicking my seat on the airplane, fighting with the guy at the rental car place or struggling with my family and our 'dynamics' but they all seem so easy to deal with. I need a change of scenery, a different bed to sleep in, my mom's comforting voice, a break from life and a chance to breath out- the exhale is the powerful part. The air smells so clean out there it should be easy to breathe in and out mindfully, but I have a feeling the reason I will be doing it so easily isn't because I'll feel relaxed and happy but because my body and soul will feel like they are home. It'll feel right, hopefull all week long.

Not what I crave

This came up in conversation with someone the other day and it comes up quite often in different circumstances so I was thinking there's probably a reason for it; I know the reasons are not the obvious ones though.

We were talking about rollercoasters and I said I had never been on one. I know, you're saying what?! never been on a roller coaster?. Yup, never. The reason being is because where I grew up in Massachussetts, there weren't any amusement parks close by and every summer we headed two hours south to Cape Cod and Cape Cod only. Sure we went camping every so often in New Hampshire and Maine and we took family vacations in the off season to Florida and Washington but still no amusement parks to be had. So after the rollercoaster comment, I immediately said "there are three big things that I've never done: one- never been on a rollercoaster; two- never ridden a horse; and three- never had a White Castle burger.

Rollercoasters, horses and burgers. Three kind of strange, random things that I've never experienced, and everytime I say it I think the same thing, that I have no burning desire to do any one. I can think of three other things I've never done that I'm dying to do: Head to the North shore in Hawaii, lay down on the beach and feel the power of the waves. I'd like to be able to pay cash for my next car and I'd like to try an In-N-Out burger while hanging in California. Now those are three fairly simple things for some other people but I'm sure they too have their own lists to deal with. For Gidget out there in hawaii, she may wishing she could try an authentic, deep dish Chicago style pizza... no problem dude, I'll be happy to trade you a pizza for a beach towel any day.

Here goes...

Being 'tagged' feels like when I used to receive those awful chain letters in the mail. But unlike being tagged on blogs, being the recipient of a chain letter used to scare me half to death, made me angry as hell and left me feeling 'empty'. Needless to say I have been tagged, and since it's from fairyland I can't walk away and pretend I never received it- the angels might get me.

When did I start blogging and why?

I started blogging on June 7, 2005. My first post was a music review of Coldplay's album, "X and Y". I think I started blogging because I was looking for a 'tool' to help me to write on a regular basis. Nothing else was working.

What don't I write about?

Well, I don't have any interest in writing about things that don't resonate with me at all. Even if it's stupid but it interests me in some way I'll blog about it, but I won't just write a post just to get something out there. Same goes for the comments, I won't ever comment on someone elses just for comment sake. I have to relate in some way in order for me to respond. I hate writing about politics, what my cat did yesterday or how many times per week I've had sex- and how it felt...

Am I and my blogging persona the same person?

Yes. And no. Mostly yes. I may be a little 'louder', harsher and more fearless on my blogg. Not so much in real life, unless I'm provoked...

How do I use blogging to build friendships?

I'm not sure that's what I'm doing because sometimes this doesn't feel real. Even though I know it is.

How do I describe my blogging style?

I don't know, I just write whatever hits hard in my gut, my mind, my eyes or my heart.

I am not going to pass this along to anyone specific because I don't like putting anyone on the spot, but let me know if you want to be touched and I'll be happy to 'tag' you.

Give me my swing set back... please.

Since I'm obviously (well I guess only to me) struggling with some issues lately: taking control of my life, kicking fear in the ass, living like I only have one life to live and knowing from the depth of my soul that it's now or never... I'm gonna spend some time writing about being a little kid. Because when I was a little kid none of this 'life' stuff was important, the only thing that made sense was me thinking: am I happy and if not, what I can do about it. Since I can't unfortunately play with my brother's friends just because my own are too boring to play with, or swing on my swing set until it's time for dinner or play with my colorforms or watch Mr. Rogers on T.V., I thought It might help me to feel better if I imagined what I would be doing tonight if I was 5 again. I certainly wouldn't be sitting here thinking about the fact that the rest of my life is in my own hands and I have complete control over what happens for me.... no way, not that.

If I were five tonight I would be outside playing 'kick the can' and kicking the hell out of that can; I could possibly be sitting in my bean bag chair with my bathing suit on waiting for the morning to come; I may be feeling really sleepy because I played kick ball all day long at the playground with my 'playgroup'; I could very well be sitting on my porch in my grandmother's lap feeling as though there's no better place to be; I might be walking on the beach with my mom, dad, brother and sister for an after dinner stroll; I could be just lying in bed listening to the sound of the waves or sitting at my dining room table admiring my sea shell collection from spending the last five hours at the beach. Whatever I may have been doing back then it didn't really matter. My point is that my mind was focused on feeling good, that's really all a little kid wants to feel and I remember I would do anything I had to do to get there, it was just a fact. There were no 'issues' to deal with, no fear, no anger, no thinking involved- just a focus on being content and feeling like everything was ok.

I wish I could think like a five year old when it didn't matter if I sat in my brother's treehouse till someone finally found me or spent the afternoons cutting big worms in half just to watch them move seperately. Because whatever I did didn't have any effect on whatever I was going to do next. Little kids live in the moment... I'm still that same little kid, I need to remember that. Everything's ok and everything will be ok, but it's not as easy as it once was to think like that.

crowd control

I have this love hate relationship with crowds and it drives me crazy. I love looking at them from a distance and commenting but hate when they come too close and invade my 'space'.

On Friday night we went to an outdoor concert, the headliner was the Indigo Girls. Now I've seen Indigo a thousand times, well not a thousand but close to it. This isn't however a review on their performance from the other night, all I'll say about that was that it was as always, very comforting and enjoyable to see them live and that night was no exception.

We went to a place called Ravinia Park in Highland Park, Il. Ravinia is an outdoor music venue known for its expansive beautiful lawn area which offers an informal place to kick back, enjoy a 'picnic' and listen to the music that's blaring from the speakers on the trees. The problem arises with everyone setting up camp: laying down the blankets, assembling the tables, opening the chairs, cracking open the beer or wine and setting up their food spread. It's like watching something personal in a public place-it's funny. The point is to hang back and relax under the sun and stars- if you can, I get easily distracted so it takes me awhile to settle down. Ravinia also has an open-air covered pavillion seating area for about 3,200; it is used mostly for symphony concerts, but it's open for all of the events all summer long. Anyway, my point is not to describe how beautiful this place is, it's to talk about how annoying it can be.

Most of the season ticket holders to Ravinia are upper class older folks who buy them for the classical series. The problem is... well two things: Ravinia is located in one of the most affluent suburbs in Illinois (you know where I going with this, right?) and the season ticket holders don't care who is performing on any given night, they just want to entertain- on their fucking big ass blanket. Lots of these people treat this so called 'lawn' area as if it were their livingroom/diningroom/kitchen, and it's annoying as hell to those people like myself who just want to hang out under the stars for a couple of hours, listen to some good tunes and munch on some fried chicken. It's usually an enjoyable time when we go but for some reason Friday night wasn't so great. I'm not sure if it was because I was in a negative space( bad discussion/argument with boss an hour before) or the crowd was extra annoying. I can't seem to seperate.

For starters it was an INDIGO GIRLS concert... hellllloooo!!? Indigo Girls?. Snotty republicans, preppy straight couples, kids, pregnant girly- girls and 'the girls' don't mix. Half of the people there had probably never even heard of the Indigo Girls and these same people were taking up massive lawn space with elaborate props and annoying habits. There are a few things I never want to see at an outdoor concert where sitting on the lawn is the option:
Little kids, high heels, high portable picnic tables, real candleabras- lit, rugs, strollers, a set up that is the replica of their diningroom table and people dressed like they're at the symphony. I saw all of this and more on Friday. And here are a few things I never want to see at an Indigo Girls concert but usually do:
Straight couples (sorry), little kids, people who are dressed like they are at the symphony, old couples, gay men (it just annoys me because they are everywhere), groups of straight women, and traditional looking older lesbian couples... (the look is old school) GET SOME NEW JEANS!!!!!!!! that's all I have to say about that-
So I saw all of this at the concert Friday night plus so much more I can't or shouldn't go into for various reasons. All that aside, we(I) managed to have an ok time while we drank our beer, ate our fried chicken and lounged in our chairs. We saw some friends, made new friends and heard some fabulous music by Amy and Emily, but I couldn't seem to shake my mood. I was still angry from my conversation at work so instead of the crowd entertaining me it just annoyed me more. I struggled with this as I did my best to just sit with myself and keep my mouth shut, but I ran out of beer-

I have a hard time letting something go from my system if I don't have the opportunity to discuss it and on Friday night my anger just swelled inside of me. Unfortunately I let it out on C. Love by acting cold, heartless and 'short'. I hate when that happens. I was unaware of it at the time but I also knew things just weren't right. I just assumed it was the annoying crowd. We had the beer and friends to distract us from my angst but needless to say the ride home sucked.

Through all of it I still managed to pour on the charm when the women next to us struggled with constructing their 'table in a bag', I hate to watch people struggle so I offered to help. I guess it worked because later on when it was time to light the candles, once again the ladies struggled- they needed a match and guess who had one- yup, only this time they came crawling (literally) to me. I guess they didn't sense my negative energy flowing in the wind. That's good, I don't like when it gets out. It's hard enough to control it on this blog, let alone up close and personal.

There's something good in everything. I guess.

I'll get right to the point- we rented the movie " Imagine Me and You" the other night and the only thing I took away from it was the questioning of who one of the main characters was; her 'real' name is Lena Heady and as you can see she's hot.

Two things here: One, the movie sucked and two, whoever wrote it is living in la-la land. It was about this gay chick who 'made eyes' with a bride at the bride's wedding; tried to get with her for the next hour or so (movie time) and finally wins her heart in the end... during a traffic jam- strange, but it involved 'catching her before she boarded the plane- the 'I can't do this to you' getaway plane. A lot of people have called this flick "cute" but cute is for little fluffy kittens, chubby little babies and stuffed animals- not a movie about the girl getting the girl. This movie was just goofy.

It was easy to watch but I'm not sure why it was rated R because there was no sex, language, drug use or violence. Just flowers and kissing, like I said- boring. It was like the movie took place fifty years from now when falling in love with someone of your same sex wouldn't be considered such a big deal- it's just a simple fact. There were no issues in this one, no internal struggles and no anger- none. The bride's family even drove the car to help their daughter win the girl in the end, one big happy family. Fluff I tell you, it was all fluff.

You can let your kids watch this one, it makes falling in love with the same sex look as easy and pain free as making playdough houses. The real world it's not; a good-looking movie it is.

From JonBenet to wimpy women

Trinity2 started it- Here's nine more things that 'make me sick':

Recap: #1- Little kids who look like JonBenet Ramsey. I can't stand those beauty pageants and it makes me ill to know that mothers are doing this to their children. Plus the kids just look freaky.

#2- People who complain that they are 'broke' while they lounge in front of their 50" plasma HDTV watching "Wife Swap" as they discuss where to go for the long weekend... What?!

#3- People who insist (or anyone who mentions it for that matter) that a child brought up in a home with a man and a women is the best thing for the child and if it's brought up in a 'gay' home it will be detrimental to their little well being. And the guy saying this has abused his wife in front of his child. Now they make me real sick. Sick to my stomach it's so maddening.

#4- People who ever say "it's only a dog"

#5- Watching a woman struggle in the diaper aisle because: a) she's miserable- b) she's got a little one in her arms screaming- c) three more running around like crazy kids and last but not least d) she's fucking pregnant...again. This same women uses food stamps at the check out and is talking to her kids as if they were the most horrible things in her life. Birth control is so simple, is it not? I don't get it, it makes me angry-then sick because little innocent children have to grow up with this.

#6- Food fests. Any 'taste of' any city. The amount of food people shove into their mouths makes me ill.

#7- The amount of skin showing at Wrigley Field. There are more young women in bathing suit tops there than people who care about baseball. And Everyone around here is scratching their heads trying to figure why exactly the cubs organization sucks. Duh...

#8- While I'm at it that brings up sweaty skin on un-attractive smelly people in general. I hate going to the grocery store when it's hot out because people smell, look sweaty and it all happens around food. Makes me want to vomit.

#9- Public swimming pools. Especially if I notice a little babies walking around with only diapers on sitting in the shallow end... all I can think about is diarrhea. Disgusting thought.

#10 -Women who can hardly stand on their own two feet. Helpless women who can't think for themselves, refuse to use the muscles in their body, take the 'submissive' angle, or think their life is worth shit without a man by their side.

That helped- give it a try...

The need for speed

There's been a lot of 'talk' around feeling stuck, moving forward, sex and drinking lately in blog land and it's got me thinking. Well, not that I don't feel or think about any of those things on a regular basis but trinity2's post got my juices flowing a little faster than usual this evening.

She was talking about the adrenaline rush and not being able to turn the feeling off. Part of me thinks she shouldn't turn it off; that's what it's all about- the rush. Granted you can't necessarily live your normal mundane life with the adrenaline turned up to high but the fact you can actually feel your adrenaline is something to take notice of. I was thinking that that's part of my problem theses days; I have an issue with not living my life to its fullest. Lately my mind has felt like it's had restraints on it preventing me from my creativity and enthusiasm and it's driving me insane. The other day I said I needed a miracle to occur, some huge thing that's like life changing. I was feeling like I needed an outside source to wake me up, to kick start my adrenaline and get my creative juices flowing again. I don't honestly know what that could be exactly. Jokingly I was saying something along the lines of " I need someomeone to just say here's a new jeep wrangler for you- I can't keep it and I don't want any money for it." (my car is slowing dying and could actually die any day now-could be tomorrow.) Not that that would in any way be life changing, but it would stop cluttering up my mind with stupid nonsense like hoping I make it to work without breaking down. Fuck, I hate old cars.

I think what I was thinking was if someone handed me a new jeep wrangler I'd get in and drive nonstop to the nearest coastline, where I could actually breath- and think freely. I was telling trinity2 that I love speed but then a wave of sadness come over me in the middle of writing my comment because I realized I rarely experience that feeling . I don't downhill ski, I can't stand snow; I've never been on a rollercoaster, hate amusement parks; I don't own a sports car anymore, can't speed in the SUV and my piece of junk shakes if I go over 60. If you don't own a motorcycle or drive a race car how the hell does one get to experience a little speed?! I'm not interested in jumping out of a plane or drinking gallons of Red Bull either.

It's an inner jump start I need. I think part of it is a mental stimulation, or emotional... or something. Anyway, I'm not a simple, dull, unexcitable person and I think my soul is trying to tell me that. I just wish it would speak louder...

nap time

Even my run sucked today. I can't seem to focus on anything, feel grounded or 'sit with' anything lately and whenever this happens I always want to figure out why.

It's Monday and it feels like Saturday; I didn't have the Sunday blues this week-instead it'll be the Tuesday night blues; It's the 4th of July weekend and there isn't one kid in the park next door; We've decided to have a yard sale- a yard sale?... we don't do stuff like that, we just bring huge garbage bags full of stuff to the donation place; We just purchased tickets to some "L Word" event at the House of Blues featuring Betty (I hate them) hosted by Ilene Chaiken with appearences by the cast?... what?, in Chicago?. I have no idea ( it's a 'Gay Games closing party) You all know how I feel about the idiodic Gay games, but this is different. There will be no running or jumping involved at the HOB. Where the fuck is the sun?! My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, I can't focus. Usually running helps me focus, or music... drinking always does, but it's too early for that.

One of the problems was that we didn't have any plans set up for this long weekend except for a cookout on Saturday night. That was fun but kind of strange at the same time. For starters it was requested that I bring my piggies in a blanket to this thing. It's a barbeque, not a cocktail party!... what's with wanting pigs in a blanket? I don't get it. (That reminds me to do a post on issues I have with parties-the do's and don'ts.) Then I went to grab a beer- no summer brews and the first one I tasted had rasberry in it. Disgusting, I HATE beers with flavors. You can't have a party on the 4th of July weekend and not have any summer brews in the cooler! You just can't... I drank Corona all night. We ended up eating at a table with all men; gay men and all couples. It was nice, strange but nice. But once again I find myself wondering where the hell all the women couples are. Always lots of nice, good-looking gay boys around...

The party was fine; I drank too much again; slept it off on Sunday, and here I am on Monday. Things are strange lately for lots of reasons, one being that C. Love has taken the summer off from her part time job to focus on her full time gig. This is all wonderful, good stuff but the fact that she's home all the time now has thrown me a bit. Saturday used to be my one day to focus on myself and I no longer have that. I need my space. I love C. love, this has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's just that I don't have any time to be with myself and myself only. I don't do well without it, but I need to try to figure something out because things aren't going to change.

So no structure, a change in routine and four days off in a row with nothing to do. I remember when I was a little kid I used to focus my day on that damn nap. I had a nap after lunch everyday, until I grew up and hit kindergarten, but before that no matter what happened during the day I knew I could look forward to that little stretch of time after lunch. Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to chill out. I loved nap time, it put structure in my little day and centered my little universe.

I don't want a nap now, I just want the after effects of it.

convenience is everything

Random statements and thoughts on the way to, during and after dinner on Friday night.

me: What's for dinner?
C.Love: I thought we'd go out for dinner (Friday is usually take out)
me thinking to myself: shit, I just went for a run, I'm kind of sweaty and my bandana has just wrecked my hair.
C.Love reads my mind and says "you can keep your bandana on if you want".

Work sucked but I left at 3 p.m, came home and went for a run (or a jog according to afuntanilla)
Since we decided to only go to Siam Pasta which is a couple of blocks away; we were going to walk there and eat outside, I figured it would be ok if I just changed my clothes and washed up a bit. (gross I know but it was a short run and I didn't smell. The bandana came off though.

C.Love: It's too early to go to dinner
me: you're right, let's just relax and have some cocktails!
C.Love: let's open the champagne (it's been in the fridge for way too long)
me: really? are you sure? (she didn't want to the other night, saving it for the right time)
C.Love: I listened to your summer cd today...
me: what!! that's not ready for public use!
C.Love: public use?
me: well I just... I need to change some things, I'm not completly satisfied... well, what do you think? (waiting patiently)
C.Love: well, I don't like the first song or the last, but it's good, it's very good. (ahh, that hurts)
me: I know, I don't like that last tune so much either but it works and I didn't even honestly think it would fit
C.Love: no, it's a great song and it's perfect, I just never loved it all that much.

Making mixed cd's takes me forever especially if it's a specialized one like this summer one. I'm never satisfied, but this year's is pretty good. I like it allright. I'll post the playlist another day.

C.Love: let's put in on now
me: ok!

C.Love: Now that woman is wearing a WHAT TO WEAR outfit!- nice.
me: I noticed, but only responded with a "yup" but was thinking that she looked good. She had a tight sleeveless black shirt on, brownish type fancy pants with a large flare and good sandals
C.Love: Today I saw someone with 'fancy' capris on, she had a good look: the right shoes and a crisp white shirt.
me: (laughing at 'fancy capris') Yah, capris are ok in certain situations. Somtimes they work, but most people abuse the look.

me: so trinity2 wrote another top ten post...
C.Love: wow, she's on a roll with those
me: I know, I love it. It's weird how we think the same things
C.Love: like what?, what did she say?
me: well, like one of the things that bugs her is when people eat like they're an animal; all hunched over their plate, not sitting up, taking a breath or acting normal-like that guy over there. You know, they shovel it in as if they haven't eaten in days...
me: why are there so many strange people around-

We regularly discuss the blogging world. C. Love likes to be informed to what's going on with everyone, and I like talking about it. It cracks me up, makes me feel good and is interesting.

me: that guy over there is an abuser
C.Love: what are you talking about!?
me: he hasn't stoped talking since he sat down and he won't let that woman speak- plus he's ordering her whole meal for her.

I can't stand it when the guy takes total control and speaks for his date or whatever she is. It's strange when someone orders for someone else... unless they have laryngtis. This couple was odd anyway; something just told me he was some kind of an abuser.

me: I wonder if this place realizes they have one of the best outdoor eating ares in town.
C. Love: I don't know,but the tables are too close together. I'm glad we moved our seats.
me: I know, I hate that but it's off the street and up high. It feels like we're in a treehouse. It's cool.
C.Love: you're a good date
me: what? why, what are you takin about...
C.Love: you're funny, attractive and easy, just a good date! (saying it like she's just met me)
me: (embarrassed) thanks... you're not so bad yourself. I like looking at you...

C.Love: those punks got out of that van
me: vans are never good news (chuckle to myself at what I just said)
vans are never good news? what is that-

me: they need an ice cream joint around here.
C. Love: we have some at home
me: I know, I'm just saying...

C.Love: that was a fun night: good food, it was cheap and convenient.
me: yeah, convenient, I'm all over that. Love convenience.
C. Love: I know... (sometimes it's an issue for us)

C. Love: how many beers did you have tonight?
me: what? I only had one- at dinner. Two glasses of champage and one beer-why?

That's the last thing I remember saying, then I was out like a light.

macrame vs crochet

This one's for Trinity2.

Check out her most recent post on fashion faux pas. C. Love has informed me that it's actually 'crochet' not 'macrame' we're talking about. But either way I don't think she'd mind this one on the back of her bike...

Gay pride?

This weekend is "Gay Pride" weekend in Chicago with the parade happening on Sunday. I've always wondered about the so called gay pride: whether or not I have it or had a right to own it; I've missunderstood it, hated it and felt uncomfortable around it but most of all didn't want to be associated with it. I get it now, but it took me awhile.

So Sunday is the parade-the loud, sometimes obnoxious, colorful, sometimes embarrasing, GAY PRIDE PARADE!...yea! (?) I'm going to attend because the bottom line is that when I didn't go I felt like I wasn't being true myself or 'my people'. I'd watch it on t.v, or read about it in the paper the next day and feel like I was out of the loop, out of touch, kind of living in hiding -you know? I knew I was gay, I was out to everyone I knew, I was in a loving, healthy relationship with my partner of 5,6,7,8,9,10.... whatever years but I struggled with attending the parade because I couldn't relate to it. I'm not one to flaunt anything or make a huge deal out of something that just feels normal. Why do gay people need to look like a circus act?, why the hell are they so severe looking and bright? I never understood and still don't understand why the men choose to wear their underwear and jiggle around on floats or in the crowd looking like crazy people who equate being gay with being starved for sex all the time-and only sex all the time. The angel wings and feathers, infatuation with penises and boobs and bead stuff I don't get; the mayhem of the parade is what I don't want to be a part of but the celebration of being gay I'm all over.

It's really cool to be at the parade and feel the energy of the crowd. Everyone's happy and accepting, maybe because they're drunk and could care less but whatever; the atmoshere is electric still somewhat serene at the same time- it's strange. It's so nice to be surrounded by millions of people who are all pretty much there for the same simple reason: everything is o.k., we and they are o.k. Seeing so many gay people in one place is amazing and it really makes me stop and look at my own life in the context of the rest of the world.

We all have our little safe (or not so safe) lives with our partners or friends or just ourselves and it's east to get lost and stay stuck in that. Why shouldn't we, it's not so pleasant out there. It's actually kind of freaky sometimes. Whenever I go to the parade, there are times, in the middle, I get caught up in it and feel weak and almost tearful. I know it sounds goofy but it's because the parade is very emotional. There's an actual parade (a pretty big one) going on in honor of being gay... it's strange cus what's that? we're not used to that. We're used to feeling either ashamed or 'small', not important and celebrated. We watch the fucking "L word" and dream that we could live our lives as easily and confidently as those women do. Heres the thing: we should be celebrated because to live the live we are meant to live takes a lot of guts. And we do need support becase after all there is safty in numbers and that's a fact-damn it!

It takes alot of effort on my part to go to the gay pride parade because it's a long day with lots of annoying people-gay or not and there are times I feel trapped. Trapped from the crowd, the noise, the flamboyancy and the leather, but mostly from my own inhibitions. After the parade we have a party called "Girl Blast" to go to. It's in a parking lot behind a restaurant and it feels like every gay woman in Chicagoland is there. It's cool because it's all women, it's outside, it's entertaining, there's music, a grill and beer. It's a great way to top off gay pride weekend- no men allowed and it's easy. Now beer, grills, women, parking lots and being outside are all things I can feel totally comfortable with.

Cheers to you all and to gay pride however you choose to celebrate it.

I don't get it

I don't understand this look. I don't have time to post anything meaningful, but I saw way too many feet looking like this today and I don't get it. If anyone does this could you let me know WHY! I mean if your feet are deformed then you wouldn't even own a pair of sandals, right? And if you prefer to wear socks on your feet then why would you even think about wearing sandals; they are for 'airy" feet, breathable feet, hot weather, not for feet that want to be covered! So If you choose to wear socks on a 90 degree day then why in the hell do you choose to put sandals on top of them! I DON'T GET IT!

Look at those feet? What's up?!

What the...

Could someone please enlighten me and fill me in on what the hell the Gay Games are all about? What the fuck is this!! I have absolutely no idea why they got started, what they mean or why any 'gay' person would want to be involved in it. Plus I hear that the event is open to ANYBODY: gay or un-gay. What?! Why?!

I've known that these so called 'games' have been going on since 1982, but since I now live in Chicago I can't avoid them anymore; this crazy unexplained event is happening fifteen minutes away from me. I had to resort to asking my straight (religious) guy friend the other day if he knew what they were all about, since he listens to sports radio most of the day I thought they may have said something about it - but they didn't. I felt like a fool, like I should know what they represent, but instead I just took the position of "what the fuck!, all they (we, I) want is to be included- not seperated! At least that's all I want. NORMALCY people, we're looking for normalcy here. The "Gay Games" are anything but normal. They're strange.

I think the dude that started this event wanted to show the world that 'gay' people can run fast, jump high, and throw far... just like the straight people can. I don't know, maybe there's something I'm not getting here but look at the goofy poster for the event. That looks anything but 'normal' to me.

So can someone, anyone let me in on what the hell this all means?!

Clearing the air

Sometimes this blogging thing sucks. I wouldn't consider myself an amature at it anymore but there are times when I feel like the new kid on the block trying to figure out if people would prefer cupcakes or hot fudge sundaes. I like to think I'm a pretty good communicator in real life; whether that be advocating for myself, speaking for others or taking over for the group if we happen to not be getting anywhere. I usually tell it like it is without being crass and I'm pretty good at keeping other people's feelings in check when speaking. Bottom line: I'm pretty good with relationships... face to face.

Blogging has at times been very frustrating; it's tough saying stuff to a wall. At least when you're on the phone you can hear the other people breathing, sighing, snickering, gasping or you can hear the tone in their voice go up-and down. With blogging I get none of that, you get none of that- we get none of that. We have no idea when we write about something we may find funny, it's going to be preceived as humorous, or if we write about a certain subject that means 'x', someone else is going to think it means 'y'. I don't like not being able to see expressions and hear laughter. It's hard when I sense I've either hurt someone's feelings, touched a nerve, unknowingly made someone feel 'small', or when something I've said has been misconstrued and I can't set things straight immediately. I hate the lag time.

I've been struggling with this a bit in my last post and just like never wanting to go to bed angry, I don't want to move on until I get this out-whatever it may be. I realize people take away from posts whatever it is they can relate to, whether or not it's actually written about is where the confusion comes in. A comment is then made, and then another returned-then another and by now there's something going on. Bottom line: I'm no good at long distance relationships, I think they suck. I don't like not being able to make people understand what it was I was trying to say when I think they've missunderstood. It's hard enough to fix things face to face, this way is just annoying as hell.

No Fear

The other night we happen to be hanging out at a bar where for some reason the back room at this place is always where all the lesbians go. The gay men and straight couples stay in the front where it's non smoking and a little more inviting- go figure. We go to this place often because they have decent pub food, they show the "L Word", and because every once in awhile it's refreshing to hang out with mostly women- gay ones. So we stopped in for one last beer before calling it a night, headed straight to the bar stools in the pit (back room) and watched- sometimes in amazement, young drunk lesbians... just being themselves and it was very, very funny. The outfits alone are enough to keep you laughing. C.Love was asking me how I thought I would have been as a young, punk lesbian on the prowl and I told her I honestly didn't know, but I was thinking that I really wish I had the opportunity to do so.

Unfortunately at the age of 19 I was too angry with myself and the world around me to be aware of the fact that I was gay, let alone secure enough with myself to actually have any bold moves directed towards anyone-gay or un-gay. When I watch all these young women struting their stuff whether it's geeky or cool stuff, I get a little jealous. Shit, I wish I could go back to being single and a young punk with all the confidence, coolness and attractiveness I have now. I think I'd have a lot of fun to say the least! Unfortunately twenty years ago not only was it not anywhere near accepted as it is today to be gay, but any 'gay' bar was filled with creepy looking older men only. I guess the gay women were out trying to be discrete or actually most were probably masquerading as happy straight women with their boyfriends by their side.

It seems so easy these days to be gay and out and even though I completely understand the internal struggle with coming out or accepting one's self as such, I feel so badly for people that struggle with it- young or old. Since thankfully, after much tormoil, I am beyond all of that, I can see things a hell of a lot clearer now. Hiding your sexuality from your family, friends or yourself seems so old school and so much easier to let go of than to hold on to and it's all such a waste of time. But I know... all the issues, so many issues. I get it, believe me. When I was a freshman in college fooling around with my roomate who was a sophmore and had a boyfriend, acknowleding that I was gay was the farthest thing from my mind. I wasn't gay, I was just simply attracted sexually to my hot, blond roomate! That was it and if you tried to tell me otherwise I had a wall set up so thick there was no way I heard a word you were saying. I understand that's what it's like for a lot of people, I hear about it all the time.

Anyway, back to what what I'm trying to say; I'm thankful to be where I am in my life with my sexuality and my relationship with C. Love, but sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to be young, single and confident in the 'gay scene' of today. If I were to guess, I'd be hanging with those young punks from the other night. And just like now, I'd be lounging on the couch or hanging at the bar waiting for the ladies to come to me instead of the other way around. I've always just played it cool only back then I was too confused to know what to do with it. I know it's pointless to wonder about what could have been if..., but sometimes I'd just like to know what I'd have in me as a young, carefree, fearless lesbian looking for love.

Don't forget to floss

How can the feeling be the same as when your were seven as it is at forty one? I get it because it's me; I'm the same little kid just in a bigger body and with more stuff going on in the mind, but this one particular event has been the same every year(or 6 months) for my entire life and I find it amazing.

After my dentist has scraped and brushed and pricked I always get the same result and lucky for me it's always been a good one. I've done what I've supposed to have done which is brush in between meals and flossed; I brush after I eat any meal and floss religiously. As soon as that bib gets taken off and I get handed that toothbrush that same exact feeling comes rushing in: a sense of accomlisment and pride.

When I was little my dentist's office was inside his home which was only four houses, down a hill and around the corner away. Since it was so close by my mom let me go by myself, which was a huge enough deal on its own. The trip home was an even bigger joy, as I just couldn't wait to bust in the kitchen door and announce "no cavities!" I can see it now: my little red messy pigtails, huge smile on my face, out of breath from the sprint up the hill home and toothbrush clutched in hand. My mom was always in the kitchen waiting; waiting to give me that big hug and kiss- that held me for the rest of the day. I threw down the toothbrush on the counter and out to play I went, as content as any little kid could be.

The other day it was all the same except my dentist office is now in the office building across from my job and I strolled out the door and back into work instead of sprinting home. But I still couldn't wait to get in the door and tell the first person I saw "no cavititis!" The feeling of clutching that toothbrush and announcing my results is exactly the same as it was back when the only thing that matered in my world was winning at kickball, walking the dog, and getting that kiss goodnight from my parents.

It's funny sometimes, (actually a lot of times) I can totally feel what it was like when I was young and innocent. I'm so thankful my life experiences haven't shrouded my sense of simplicity from childhood. If anything they've only enriched them.

Running wild

Today on my run I had so many random thoughts I thought I'd put them here to get them out of my head.

1. I wondered if I wasn't myself and saw me running, if I would look twice. You know, check me out...

2. I feel guilty when I do notice people (women) checking me out because I'm imagining they are thinking wow, she must work out a lot. And I really don't, I'm just very lucky to have the body I do and am able to eat whatever the hell I want. If they only knew that I have a little belly, (beer) and I'm really kind of lazy.

3. I was thinking about zoe's last post about 'fate' and meeting her partner, B.P. Then my mind went to a comment someone made about it, sounding sweet and quirky. I find it cool hearing about that kind of stuff, especially when it's between two women and the universe obviously having a plan for them to hook up. That's not "cute" that's mind blowing.

4. I was thinking thank god it's finally June and in the same moment, shit, it's finally June. That means September is not to far away.

5. I click on soooo many blogs and can't stay focused on a lot of them- I just don't connect.

6. Why is it the one car that I want is over twenty years old. I want one of those old 1980's Toyota Land Cruisers. I always have, and still do.

7. Why does my Dad have a "home nurse"? I'm so relieved he's back home now, but he's not out of the woods yet.

8. I love being outside, I really don't like to run, but I love being in shape.

9. I can't stand the smell in a hospital; I can't stand being in a hospital...keep running...

10. I have a date tonight with C.Love. Yipee!

11. FUCK! tomorrow is sunday, then it's Monday...

12. Why the hell are there at least 3 babies, or small children (2-3 yrs) on the beach without pants on. One of them is running around naked. I don't get it, if the kid is in public PUT SOME CLOTHES ON IT! I don't want to see anyone running around with just a diaper on, it's gross.

13. That brought me to public pools-totally disgusting.

14. It's kind of cool outside. Cool as in chilly.

15. I wonder if anyone looked at C.Love's website today- she's so gifted at what she does, it's amazing. Check it out and pass along to anyone who you think could use it!

16. Here's my street, I'm hungry now.

Reality Check

It was all going along so well, the weekend that is. I talk to my parents on the phone every Sunday morning around 10:00, but today was a little different. There are times when I just don't feel like speaking or getting out of bed but the one thing that gets me to the phone is because it is from my parents. We check in with each other, talk about the weather, make sure everyone is o.k, hang up and go on with our week. It feels good.

Today there was no answer. Usually when there's no answer they are either out in the yard or on their walk and I receive a call shortly after. Today is my dad's birthday so I wanted to be the one to call them, but again no answer. Then at about 9:55 my sister calls me and I can immediately sense somethings not right. I ask her what's going on and she replys with "dad's been in the hospital since Thursday". THURSDAY!!!, first I'm thinking and wondering why and if he's o.k., then my mind immediately goes to WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU CALL ME!!!!???. Anyway to make a long story short, my dad is o.k., he was having some heart problems and got a bit nervous so they checked him in to monitor his medication. He comes out of the hospital today, thank god.

Now before I continue I know there are a lot of you out there (just in this circle alone) that have either lost a parent, struggled with a sick parent or don't have good relationships with their parents now so I'm sorry to bring up the subject, but I trust you all can handle it. There's two things going on here for me: one is the fact that my parents are old and when something like this little scare happens, the eye opening realization that they (gulp) won't be around forever. Or worse, that one will actually die without the other. The actual act of dying seems to be completely different than the fact that they won't be around anymore... geez, this is depressing. The other thing going on for me around this is the fact that my family regulary witholds things from me. Granted I have physically seperated myself from them by moving out here to Chicago, but sometimes it feels like they are in their own little way, punishing me because of that. They said they decided not to tell me my dad was in the hospital because they didn't want me to hop on a plane and come home. At first I said "I wouldn't have, but it would be nice to at least know what's going on!" then I was thinking, well hell is it the worst thing in the world if I did fly home to visit my dad? They figured there was nothing I could do. I think that should have been up to me to decide. Once the youngest in the family, always the youngest- I guess.

4 Hours later:
Well, I just called the house to see if they were home and it's turned out that my dad is going to stay in until Tuesday now- more tests. I hate this kind of stuff, I always feel sooooo badly for not only my dad, but more so for my mom. It kills me. When things like illness or accidents or whatever happen, especially to family members something shifts within me, well it doesn't shift but it stops me dead in my tracks, as I assume it does to other people as well. Ever since I was little I could never imagine life without my parents, it's just too weird and I always thought when the day comes I'm not too sure I'll be able to handle it.

Today felt like a prelude to the future and it was a little creepy. Forever is not forever anymore. I talked to my dad a minute ago and he sounded good. He said he had to kick eveyone out of the room for some peace and quiet- and because the Red Sox were on. I asked him if they won and he said yah, but it was a nail biter- they won 5-4. Like I said, realty check in more ways than one. My dad is going to be o.k., my mom is going to be o.k., and I will be o.k. when one of them is not because when it comes right down to it life doesn't stop so neither can I. So Tonight I grill up the shrimp, tomorrow the burgers and then it's back to work on Tuesday. Next week is going to be a good week. Summer is officially here, C.Love launces her web site, she faciltates a workshop at University of Illinois, Chicago on "Pursuing your passion; unleashing the leader within" and my dad heads back to the Cape. Happy Memorial day to everyone and cheers to family.

Beachcomber

I'm waiting for a phone call from a friend of mine; a friend who I haven't seen in over .... I don't even know, maybe 12-14 years? That's a long time.

We haven't spoken within that time, but even so, she hasn't left my mind at all. Whenever I think of summertime, drinking on the beach, red wine, U2, R.E.M., The Smiths, Nantucket, The Kennedy family, Belmont, Massachusetts or sunblock I think of Cherie- and I think about those things often. I actually made her a mixed CD last Christmas as a surprise because "mixed tapes" were a huge accessory with us when we were together. Together meaning friends-nothing more so don't go there. Cherie married Bobby and they have since had three kids and have lived in Australia and London before settling in Concord, Massachusetts in her grandmothers huge, cool old farm house. I made her the mixed CD because I had hooked up with another friend of ours last Summer and she had mentioned Cherie said I would probably bring along a mixed tape and how lucky she would be to get it. Strangely enough I had a mixed CD in my car that I had just made for our trip that I handed off to my friend at the bar- it was perfect music for her ride off of Cape Cod and back into Boston.

I can't honestly say why we haven't spoken in so long. Drunken birthday greetings have been left on my machine, but I kind of lost track of her when she moved to Australia. I've never been good at long distance anything-it's too difficult. We always had a connection;we not only had the same sense of humor (which is so very important) but more importantly we connected on an energy level. She got it, I got it and sometimes that's when it's so easy to loosen the grip and become seperated. It's like even though these people aren't necessaily in your physical space they are with you energenically through everything. I've definately missed her over the years because I think we'd get along great and that's so rare. She loves to drink, loves the same music I do and knows when to go to that next level. You know or maybe you don't- it's the reading in between the lines I'm talking about, it's where the good stuff is.

Anyway, she left me a message yesterday saying that it was 3 o'clock in the afternoon, she had just picked up a 12 pack of a particular summer brew, she had just listened to my mixed CD, her kids were having a play date, Memorial Day is in a couple of days, she missed me, wanted to get together this summer and she was thinking about me in more ways than one- excellent. I called her back but no answer; again tonight, and here I wait...

Cherie and I were summer friends, we met on Cape Cod. One of the places we frequented often was a place called The Beachcomber in Welfleet, MA. In my opinion this is the best "beach bar" on the East coast. This place is truly spectacular simply because it has everything a good beach bar should have. For starters it's tricky to find unless you know your way around (meaning no tourists), it is literally located on a cliff overlooking the Atlantic ocean with sand everywhere. the beer is cheap, the food is fried, picnic tables are plenty, music is cool, bands are cool, dance floor big enough, and it's located on Cape Cod Massachusetts. You just can't get any better.

I'm pretty sure I'll hook up with her this summer, I'm not sure how or where but I do know drinking will be involved, along with a new mixed CD. It puts me in a good mood to think about hanging out with her, but I wonder why people that feel so normal to be around aren't always in our lives at all times? We meet so few, at least I do.

Well, cheers to the official start of summer this weekend, good friends, good music, cool places to hang out, summer brews, sand... and getting it.

Where did it go?

I hope I get it back soon. Cus this sucks...

Little black dress...

Little black dress or athletic pants. That subject came up today when my friend was trying to describe a hot women he just saw. At first he said: "she was blond... and (moan sound) just hot (smokin hot)". Then he paused and said: "you know what really gets to me? (I'm thinking, yah, I know...) it's when women are wearing althletic wear. I like it when they wear those tight pants... forget about it!" What!!

Now this guy is a 28 year old good-looking Italian kid who loves women, all women. What's interesting about the comment he made was the fact that he would actually prefer most women without any clothes on at all. When he thinks someone is attractive his mind goes immediately to imagining having sex with her, like physically being inside her... gross, I'm sorry. Anyway, the fact that he said he would prefer a women to be causual and wearing sweat pants was amazing and very, very humorous. I was telling him that I've heard this to be true for a lot of men but I've never actually heard anyone say it to me. I could imagine athletes, or maybe real casual, no nonsense guys liking women in athletic wear but not typical guy guys but whatever.

So we took the rest of the afternoon discussing the comment, the women in the building, exactly what kind of athletic pants he's thinking about and what I would prefer. I said the little black dress -of course. I couldn't really believe he would rather someone wear tight athletic pants instead of a sexy little tight black dress, but again- whatever.

He even went so far as to say he likes when he can see the line from the underwear under those pants... no thongs though(thank god), he likes the bikinis. I didn't need to hear that but we were on a roll. Well, you won't catch me in any of that stuff; I got the nylon adidas pants which I only wear for running, I don't own a little black dress-or any dress for that matter, and it's boy briefs I prefer. But I'll take a woman in jeans and a tank top anyday.

So what's up with that? Little black dress or athletic pants? You choose.

Thinking out loud

I was just flipping through Giata's cook book to figure out what to make for dinner and I got stuck once again just looking at the photos. Giata De Laurentiis is absolutely gorgeous! I missed her show on the Food Network today because I had to get my hair cut- which was long overdue. Anyway she's so sexy on that damn show I end up mesmerized every saturday morning. I hate to say it for the fear of sounding shallow- but again, I love looking at beautiful people and she's one of them! Giata may have a big head but shit- she's hot! she knows how to cook and dresses well too...

I gotta go to the grocery store now.

Just one of many

This is just one situation that happened to a friend of mine on Sunday, and it's one that I really can't stand being in.

The event: A Bridal Shower
The time: Two o'clock in the afternoon
The place: Some strange building (not someone's house)
The weather: 75 and sunny
The alcohol: None
The music: None
The food:Too insignificant to mention
The crowd: All crazy women (family and strangers)
The entertainment: "Games" and gift opening

I felt her pain when she was telling me about it on Friday afternoon and then I felt excruciating pain again this morning when I asked her how it went. She said it sucked. We both agreed on Friday that the one good thing about these idiodic showers is the consumption of alcohol-the only thing, and she didn't even have that. I think after the second game I would have been crying because of the amount of pain I would have been in; I hate it soooooo much- it's kind of crazy.

O.k., I hate going to any type of shower:baby, bridal, engagement, wedding, whatever, they all fucking suck. The stupid games are just plain stupid and a waste of everyone's time. The fact that they take place on the weekends in the middle of the day is totally inconvenient. The gift opening in front of everyone should be abolished. They usually take place in the spring time on beautiful sunny days when the last place you want to be is indoors. I always wonder why I need to be there, and it should be against the law if you host a party of any kind and don't serve any alcohol.

I hate being in situations where I can't escape and a bridal shower is an excellent example of that -they suck. I'm glad it wasn't me on Sunday.

Lets talk about sex

We have to go out with the straight friends tonight. It's not so bad just sometimes it gets a little boring and predictable; not that going out with the gay friends isn't boring at times too, it's just not as annoying in the same way.

Anyway one of the friends we are going out with is totally obsessed with s.e.x. I have a friend at work who is totally obsessed with sex also and I was thinking about why so many people can't seem to get it off the brain. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a very sexual person- love doing it, talking about it and thinking about it but I'm not obsessed with it and don't need to discuss it day and night. I used to think people who talk about it all the time either don't get enough of it, don't get the right kind of it or have a problem with it, but I'm not sure anymore. My friend at work lately is referring everything to sex and it's so annoying I almost can't even strike up a conversation with her anymore. No matter what I say, whether I'm talking about an item, an idea, a t.v show or a situation, she always makes a stupid sexual joke. I HATE stupid sexual jokes that aren't funny; actually I hate sexual jokes when the act of sex isn't present. When people talk about sex and relate it with food, tools, cardboard boxes, flowers or any other random item, I find it very annoying and a total turn off. This woman at work seems to find it sexy when I mention anything long, heavy or big... what are we eight! I know where her mind is at but the little giggles are fucking annoying!

It's different when someone I find sexy talks the sexy talk or about the act of sex, but when someone I'm not attracted to talks about the act in a strange way it gets a lttle creepy. And when someone gets turned on when I mention the word "heavy" it's just plain stupid. I work very closely with some young men and we talk about sex all the time; It's pretty funny because strangely enough I can keep up with them with the graphic stuff. We can all discuss the ladies- they feel comfortable, and I feel comfortable. They're cool guys so they do it in a decent way which helps. The thing is is that when we talk about sex, there's a beginning and an end-then it's done. There's no innuendos or beating around the bush; there's no talk about kinky sex, abnormal sex or freaky sex- unless it's just that. We just talk about plain good old fashion sex.

One of the woman we are going out with tonight is another one that talks about sex 24 hours a day. It's not sexy when she talks about sex because she does it in a disqusting graphic way. It's just too much. In her case I do believe even though she gets plenty of hetero sex it's the sex with the ladies she's missing. She's been with many woman before and I actually think she's gay, but whatever. Now she's with a gay guy-go figure. She has sex pretty much every night, with this guy who she thinks and I know is gay. What...the...hell...!! It makes sense though, this guy, like so many gay guys who refuse to believe they are gay, need sex -the act of sex. So whether it's with a woman or whatever, it doesn't matter, it's the end result that does- nothing before.

So tonight we go out to a straight bar and hang out with straight people- not sexy unless the sexy straight woman are curious. Then and only then does it get sexy. They can talk to me all night long...

Between the trash

Last week my car was in the shop because It died at an intersection, I barely made it into work and I ended up getting a ride home with the tow truck guy. I was able to walk home after dropping it off because our mechanic is only a couple of blocks away. It was on that stroll home that my mind flashed to just how dirty my car was and how I'm actually embarressed that someone else is going to now see it. My car is a trash heap.

I was thinking about what that says about a person: how clean (or dirty) you keep your car. On the surface one would obviously conclude that a dirty car means an unkept home, a messy bedroom, a disorganized person or maybe the person is just a slob in general. On the flip side an immaculate car would mean just the opposite. Now my car may be a trash heap on the inside, but that doesn't mean I neglect it's engine, maintanance or body- I'm just a slob. It's strange that my car is trashy, I mean it's not like I walk around with stains on my clothing looking like I'm completely lost, and clueless to everything and everyone around me; but if you didn't know me and I picked you up off the street you might think some crazy thoughts because of just how messy it is. I notice the trash every morning when I get in and tell myself I need to pick it up but days go by, more wrappers, receipts and empty coffee cups get tossed down there and nothing happens. I have 4 empty coffee cups hanging out in my car at this very moment. As I say it, I can't actually believe it; it's like I have a problem or something. As much as I dislike it, I won't clean it.

C. Love and I have had many discussions and arguments about this issue. She likes nothing on the coffee table, I like everything on it. She hates that the one chair in our bedroom has become my chair and is constantly covered with clothing; clothing that I have just taken off, and can't seem to put inside the drawers where they belong. I don't fold, could care less if the bed is made, if the newspaper is on the floor, if the cat's toys are all over the house, or if things are not "picked up"- but I can't stand dirty dishes in the sink or crumbs on the floor. It has become a constant struggle to come to some sort of aggrement around this issue for us. While organization and picked up rooms give me a sense of unease, a messy room makes her anxious. Over the years I've learned to be more consious about things and she has learned to let unimportant things slide. The argument ensues when she's just finished picking up and I unconsciously mess it up. It's like she's just done her hair and I take my hands and rub them all over her head- messing up her work. It's that severe and it feels that personal to her. That's when I get it.

While I do believe organization in one's life is necessary, an obsession over it is not and it's rare that those people who tend to love organization can't help themselves from taking it too far. I think the fact that my car is so messy and I leave it that way it's because I can. It's my space, it's my mess, my car and my decision to live with it. If we shared a car I wouldn't have it this way and if I lived alone I hate to say it but I would be a complete mess and so would my home. I have some issues with being independent, with being "a couple", and with having to "work" at things that don't come naturally- like picking the Sunday newspaper off the floor by noon. So my car has taken on the stage, as the place to let it all hang out.

I wonder if there's a correlation between alphabetizing your cd collection and having a clean car. I don't want to try it to find out.