going with the flow

I've tried the sex thing, the avoidance thing, the full throttle thing, the anger thing, the depression thing. I've held the "I don't care" attitude for an extended period of time, as well as remaining in the protective mode and 'being in the moment' much longer than I should have. When it comes right down to it, I've learned the only way to deal with anything is to face it-head on. At least for me. Distraction only works for so long.

For the last week or so I've been, what I called stuck in the 'pause' state. What that meant for me was I was waiting on a bunch of things, all of which were out of my control and all of which were emotionally charged. I was semi-released on Thursday only to immediately be placed in the so called waiting room once again. I spent last week struggling with family issues, all which were precipitated by my dad's unstable decision to have heart surgery. I also struggled with all the fucking angst that goes along with being a freelance writer, while I waited for my potential proposals to be accepted... or rejected. I finally received two 'thanks but no thanks' on the freelance gigs and a definate date for my dad's surgery, so I moved on from the potential of shifting my life as far as the work thing goes and concentrated on the family issue. That was Tuesday.

Tuesday night: after much consideration and distress, I made the decision to go home and be with my dad and family for this operation. Mostly because it's kind of risky as well as serious but I also just didn't want to have to regret anything, if you know what I mean. I made the reservation on Tuesday night and headed for the airport on Thursday morning. We left the house at 5:15 a.m. and then got a call at 5:30 that the surgery had been cancelled. Once again, there was nothing I could do except turn the car around, go home and wait for another date. Wait, and wait to resume my life... again. That's exactly what I did and have been doing since then. I arranged to get off of work, but I went back to work; I packed and unpacked; I payed for a flight and then tried to get my money back; I got some of my writing proposals rejected and then decided to try again with another angle; I struggled with not feeling OK, then figured out why and dealt with that instead.

Now I've already dealt with the issues that come up with me around my family, the issues that come up with having an ill parent, the issues that come up with rejection, and the issues that come up with not being in control. In all of this, just tonight I was doing the dishes and I was thinking about when people are told they have (blank) amount of days, weeks, months or years left to live. What then? How the hell do these people feel? Talk about going with the flow... shit.

I like to plan ahead, I like to be informed, I like to know what's going on so when I can't or don't I move through life like a caged in lion. I'm full of emotion, angry as hell, silent from exhaustion and ready to make my move as soon as I get released. My friend e-mailed me in the middle of my trying to book a flight home on Tuesday night. I was telling him about what was going on and that I was worried about my Dad. He simply e-mailed back and said "don't worry, everything will be fine with your Dad. Besides, your tough". Yeah, I forget sometimes. Then I got some other advice from a friend within the same 15 minutes that thankfully woke me up from my comatose state. She pretty much just said go, no matter what. I also knew that, but sometimes what we know gets lost in the shuffle of life. I'm good now. I had a good weekend and I'm ready to proceed with whatever comes my way... whatever.

warm weather woes

Weather: 74 and sunny
Time: 11:00- 3:00 on a Sunday
Problem: It's 74 degrees on a Sunday afternoon in March

What the hell am I talking about? Here's the deal. For some unexplained reason whenever it's warm out and feels like summer in the springtime people tend to get OUT OF CONTROL. Whether it was the lake front, the grocery store or my neighborhood, everywhere we went today we were surrounded by too many people. Because of it and because of the fact that I can't continue on with my evening unless I make some sense of this, here's my list of the top ten most annoying things that surface when the weather starts to gets warm.

1. Public displays of affection. I don't like seeing anyone make out in public, it's gross and it's weird.

2. Lack of clothing. People dressing like it's 112 degrees in August when it's only 74 in March. It's warm, not hot.

3. Nudity.

4. Open car windows. I don't have any desire to hear someone else's music especially when it sucks. and especially when the punk behind the wheel is just that... a punk-ass kid.

5. Droves of people. For some reason, the warm weather is a magnet for anyone who either
a) hasn't been out of their house all winter long or
b) has never been to a grocery store, to actually attempt to shop. WHAT THE FUCK. It's like people think 'oh, it's nice out so I must go get some food'...

6. Kids. Warm weather gives kids and teens a license to raise their voices 10 decimal's higher than they usually would, yell uncontrollably, scream as if someones murdering them, carry on conversations as if everyone was hard of hearing and take up space where they don't belong. They are annoying and obnoxious.

7. Sunburns. It's warm out, the sun is hot, you are as white as a ghost because you haven't seen the light of day in three solid months and you think you can lay out for five hours and not get burned??!! Come on now, you look silly.

8. Air conditioners. I hate them all the time anyway but when I hear an air conditioner being put on as soon as the temp hits 70, somethings wrong.

9. Bad Smells. It has to do with open windows and personal hygiene...

10. Strangeness. I don't understand it but the warm weather brings out everyone and everything, and that's cool I guess- but I'm just saying...

Tonight we head out to watch the finale of The L Word. Should be an interesting crowd, it's still 73 degrees outside.

pause and effect

The pause button has been hit, my life pause button. Without going into the details, I was just wondering how people deal with the waiting game; as I sit here and deal with mine. (laptop and beer)

I tend to usuallywant to either do things, like the dishes, cooking, physically move around or just the opposite and sit completely still with it. I did a little of both today. I happen to take the day off from work so I was able to do my waiting at home. It helps to have the comforts of home around when one waits, like your own bathroom, TV, food and beverage accessibility and the freedom to move around . I don't like feeling confined when I have to wait, that makes everything feel worse. I also prefer to wait alone... I think, I hate carrying on conversations, making small talk, playing board games or changing the subject just for the sake of changing the mood. I've waited in jury duty many times and that just sucks big time. I've waiting, as has everyone, in lines many times but as long as the line moves rapidly the angst of waiting doesn't set in too much. I've waited in hospitals: for a diagnosis, a release, a nurse, time to pass and all of that totally sucks- all of it, without a doubt. I've waited for the tide to come in which is a joy and I've waited for the snow to stop falling. We all wait for summer to arrive, our hair to grow or maybe our baby to be born, but it's the waiting within the waiting that's hard. It's waiting for the results, or the diagnosis or the decision. When I wait for something specific/immediate, I like to stand up but when I'm waiting for something that's going to take awhile (like a plane delay), I prefer to sit down with a newspaper. Right now I'm in neither.

Today, tonight, tomorrow and maybe for the rest of the week I get to wait for my life to be released from the pause state. You know when you're going along just fine with your little daily routine, making plans for your future, setting things up to go go your way, etc, etc, and then the pause button. It's not the stop button, just the pause which sometimes is harder to deal with. Anyway, while I wait to be released I'll go to work and carry on as usual, but instead of thinking ahead too far I'll sit in the moment. Even if the moment could turn into days.

So my question for the masses is how do you play the waiting game? (I obviously babble, which is very uncharacteristic of me.)

spring fling

Today is the type of day that if I was 7 I'd be dying to hear that last bell ring to be set free from the confines of the school yard. I can picture it as if it was yesterday. I would literally run home from school(it was only up the hill and round the corner); change into my "play clothes"; sit down at the kitchen table and devour a tasty snack that was set up by my mom; I would walk the dog and then immediately head outside to play. I couldn't wait to get outside and be 'one' with my yard.

Today was 70-something degrees and it felt like spring had sprung, if only to last the one day. On my run home I came across two little ones on my street: a 3 year old and a 4 yr old. They were on their front walk stumbling around as little ones do, riding their little cars and testing the boundaries with their mom -who sat a mere two steps away. I get kind of a lump in my throat (in a good way) every time I see little kids outside playing,whether they are playing with jump ropes, chalk, balls, skateboards, sticks, or anything else that looks old school or creative. I remember I didn't even need tools to amuse myself with when I was young. A good thick stick did wonders, as did dirt, bushes, the cracks in the sidewalk,the corner of my garage, any unidentified object in the grass, or simply the parameters of my back yard. Sure, I loved my pink banana seat bike,red skateboard and assortment of playground balls but my point is that it was being able to play outdoors that thrilled me, not my big wheel or hoola hoop.

I was just telling someone the other day that I remember being young and playing outside in March as if spring was well on it's way to quickly turning into summer. (geez, I sound like I'm 90) It's not so much like that anymore. Spring used to be a time for light windbreaker type jackets, new sneakers, Easter dresses (when I was two), and Saturdays filled with helping my Dad with putting the screens in the windows and my Mom with "spring cleaning". The weather from March-May was typically anywhere from 60-75 with no chance of it dipping back down to the 40's. These days we're lucky if we are able to shed the winter coat much before April and turn our heat off before May.

Spring screams youth, fresh air and crazy chalk drawings on the sidewalk. When I see a kid in my neighborhood walking around bouncing a ball, or playing hide-n- seek with their buddies it makes me happy. So does 73 degrees in march- old school, there's just nothing like it.

reality bites

Well, it's back to regularly scheduled programming. My trip to the Bahamas was not only a vacation in paradise but all I keep thinking was how much of an escape it was- an escape from reality and it's something I'm having a hard time letting go of.

It's strange to completely remove yourself from your regular routine both physically and mentally but environmentally as well. To go from 20 degrees to 80 degrees in a matter of 3 hours is a bit overwhelming for me. And to go from programmed thinking to not having to actually think at all is mind blowing to say the least. The immediacy at which I settled into being in the Bahamas was ridiculous. From the second we walked off the plane and breezed into that tropical air I was immediately transformed. It's so easy for me to adapt to beach mentality and casual island living, it's like I was living as if I was part of The Blue Lagoon in a past life or something. As soon as we dropped the bags in the room , all was well. We ditched the shoes for flip flops, I threw on my bandana and we were out the door for a cocktail on the beach. Totally different in every single way from 5 hours prior. I was in a complete dream state the whole time I was there; it felt like I was present physically, because that warmth literally paralyzed me, but at the same time I felt somewhat removed mentally. I couldn't quite settle into being present which was bugging me but I'm thinking it just may have been way too overwhelming if I did- this is the stuff I think about all the time. Is there a way for the soul to be so alive but the mind completely shut off? I don't know but mine was for sure.

When we returned home I delayed contacting my family and checking my e-mail just to delay the inevitable: life doesn't stop when you go on vacation. It turns out my Dad had fallen down 4 steps in his house and fractured his hip and elbow while I was basking in the Bahama sun. It feels like he is completely falling apart and not only can I not do anything about it but the reality of aging parents has now completely entered this stage of my life. Do I head down to Cape Cod for a weekend to help my mom out? Do I just carry on with my life while my dad struggles to hold on to his? I feel guilt, sadness, anger, frustration and empathy. It's hard to not be able to take care of your parents when they need it when that's all they did for me when I was little. All they did was take care of me and love me. It would be nice to repay, even though I know it's not necessary.

Last week at this time we were getting drunk on the beach with not a care in the world except for the fact that it was our second to last day on the Bahamas. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have that back again.

6 days and 5 nights

In exactly one week from today for six days I will be able to:

Feel the warmth of the sun instead of the warmth of my radiator
Wear tank tops instead of fucking sweaters
Wear flip flops instead of fucking boots
Drink my morning coffee on the beach instead of my couch
Have cocktail hour outside instead of in my kitchen
Experience fresh air instead of forced heat
Feel loose instead of tight
Run on the beach instead of the pavement
Breathe instead of shiver
Drink, eat and drink instead of drink- cook and then eat... and drink
Experience instead of react
Write instead of blog
Relax instead of work
Wear my bandanna instead of my wool scull cap

Watch the day turn into night instead of waiting for the day to turn into night and

Feel inspired instead of tired

Next week at this time I'll be in the Bahamas... phew, bring it on.

?

What the...

house rules part 2

Since my return comments to the last post were becoming a post in itself, I thought I would just continue with the stream of consciousness going on here- fuck it. First of all, as I write this I have bare feet and just for the record, my shoes are off of my feet (most of the time) as soon as soon as I enter my own house. Especially if it's either wet , muddy, snowing or raining outside- I don't go beyond the front door. I don't want anyone out there feeling like they have to defend the fact that they enjoy walking around without shoes on-I could actually care less what the hell you do in the privacy of your own home.

Bottom line here: what I do care about and what I was trying to convey is that I think it's impolite to impose your own habits/views/ "house rules" on anyone else- especially if they are your guest. It's weird to see people with socks or slippers on while entertaining- come on now.

So that brings me to another one of my rules which is the issue of overnight/weekend guests and how to treat them...
DO NOT invite anyone to 'stay with you' unless you can accommodate them with most or preferably all of these things:
1. Their own separate towels
2. Their own bathroom
3. Real sugar
4. A beer or wine or soda or something besides tap water
5. Extra pillows
6. No set schedule
7. Coffee and tea
8. A guest room free of strange smells, weird sheets, baby, animal and kids toys
9. kids that understand the meaning of "boundaries"
10. Pets that do not have a need to sleep with strangers
11. The house computer -but anywhere other than where the guests sleep
12. The freedom to 'sleep in'
13. Reading material
14. The option to use small sample type toiletries that the you(as the host) provides
15. A night out to dinner-with or without you
16. A hairdryer
17. A mirror in the guest bedroom
18. A television
19. No sense of, "oh, so that's what they're like" In other words- adults who understand the word "boundries"
20. Space

house rules

This particular issue has come up a lot lately so I thought I'd throw it out there to the masses to find out what the majority thinks. The issue I'm talking about is the removal of the shoes once inside someones house- that includes your own house as well. Bottom line: I think it's rude to ask someone to take off their shoes. I understand the Japanese cultural thing, that it's a custom to remove your shoes just after entering a home, but we don't live in Japan.

I've been noticing this 'taking the shoes off' thing lately with various friends and in different situations. Last night we went to my friends house for dinner and as we were getting into the car we were discussing this issue because my friend just happened to have married a Japanese woman. The dude is from the South side of Chicago and he could care less about these things but he's now hooked up with her so we weren't sure what was going to happen. I immediately said "shit I hope not because it's not so easy to take these boots off" and C.Love said, "I'm not doing it, I'll be too cold." I was thinking to myself, you can't say no if they ask you too-right? As we walked in I noticed a plethora of shoes at the doorway in a pile but we weren't forced to strip so we just continued to walk in. I then glanced down at my friends feet and then at his wife's and saw both had stocking feet. Then last week at the Superbowl party I was looking around at everyone's feet and noticed lots more stocking feet. What the fuck! no one was Japanese in this house, just a couple of guys from Chicago who are obsessed with the Bears and the Cubs.

OK, there a couple of things going on here. One is the fact that I HATE to see other people's feet without shoes. I have a hard time in the summer with the sandals but I let that go- unless the feet are big, awkward and white, then it's a NO, but Seeing people in stocking feet is like seeing them in their sweats. (and I've been holding back talking about this one because it's so strong)If you invite someone over for dinner you put normal clothes on so why the hell don't you put shoes on? It completes the outfit you know? I understand completely, taking your shoes off when you enter your house because of mud, salt, snow, or rain but you're suppose to put them back on again when company comes over! It's weird to see someone walking around in stocking feet- feels too personal or something. The other issue I have with people asking me to take off my shoes is that it's just not something you can do without notice. I mean I have good socks and bad socks; warm socks and warmer socks; socks that look better without shoes because of the pattern and socks that look better with shoes because they're just ... socks!

So my question is do you ask people to 'take them off' or don't you? What's the deal with this...

sitting with it

It's difficult for me, as I assume it is for others as well, to just 'sit with' something; whether it's something that is bothering me, annoying me, controlling me or depressing me. My first instinct is to lash out, fight the urge to cry, complain or 'try to fix it' (if it's happening to someone else). I'm like a guy in that way, well I'm like a guy in many ways but right now I'm referring to having the urge to "fix it". If someone's upset, my immediate question is "what happened?", as if something happened to this person, it is upsetting them, so I need to figure out what it was so I can stop it from occurring and fix the problem. What's the solution; what can I physically do to fix whatever is going on. That's how I feel.

That's my first instinct and then seconds later I kick in to more of a human being and remember that sometimes all people need is someone to listen and not judge; someone to hear them and understand or someone to simply say,"wow, that must really hurt and I'm sorry". I've learned things over the years and consider myself a pretty good listener (because I actually listen). I've learned that sometimes people don't want an answer, or a solution to their problem or a 'way out'. They just need to sit with it. Maybe they need to cry, or complain, or lash out and that's the only thing they need. For some people blogging is their way to do just that. They use the space as a vehicle to not only express themselves but to be allowed to do it with out back lash. And I've noticed that that's actually all they need. Some people don't want 5, 10,15, 20 or 30 people commenting back. I said some don't, I know most do. Some people are not looking for others to tell them what to do or tell them what they would do or to pick a fight with their words.

I'm bringing this up because today I commented on someone's post and it was one of those immediate comments, you know the kind where you respond to the words someone uses but not necessarily the meaning of the post itself. I almost deleted my comment at the end of the day because I thought I realized what she was trying to say, or at least I thought I did. But instead I decided to do this and kind of apologize- in public. I was thinking that maybe like she said- just 'reflecting' and she wasn't looking for responses about it. She was simply sitting with some of her thoughts, maybe realizing some things for the first time or maybe just looking for a few good listeners to say "that must be hard for you" and that's it. So again, thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you (may) feel alone in the world.

But still- why do bizarro things happen to you in coffee shops?

safe sex

In t2's last post she brought up a couple of topics, one being whether or not we 'hide' our blogs from our significant others, potentials, or anyone at all; if we don't why and if we do why and if we then consider this an "affair". That's where I'm going to pick it up from. If we DO and we kind of feel like it's an affair... of the safe kind, and then pushing it a little further- at what point do we feel like we are "cheating". How far does it have to go?

In my experience, I have known many people who feel like they are being 'unfaithful' to their significant other by simply speaking aloud their opinions,(or in this case writing their opinions)about what they think, or feel about another person. Example: if they think person 'x' is attractive or not, or if they may feel an "attraction to" a certain individual. Personally, I talk all the time about who I think is hot, attractive etc. around my girlfriend, she does the same and we're fine- we accept it and expect it. Thankfully we are secure enough within ourselves and our relationship that we feel ok sharing our opinions (sexually related) about other people we know or notice. It's no big thing. There are others however who don't feel the same. So just for the record:

I don't consider it "cheating" unless

a- the primary relationship is being put aside

b- there is sex involved (physical)

c- we choose 'the other' instead of our own

And I don't call it an "affair" unless it's

a- completely and totally hidden from our significant other

b- fulfilling something which may be either physically or emotionally sexually related

c- a and b are going on for a very long time- like a year

My question is how much are you comfortable with? How much talk about sex, how far will you go with flirting? how explicit, how honest can you be about your opinions. Where is the line drawn for you? Is "blogging" your way to flirt safely? or be bold without repercussion? or 'talk dirty' because you can't be touched?

Well all I have to say is good job if your answer is YES because then at least you're alive and well. You gotta get it out and before that you gotta get it. I say we all kick it up a notch and for those who are holding back-stop being so 'safe'.

cold fingers and warm heart

Today's run: 30 degrees and cloudy with the wind in my face. I am fully aware that I complain about the weather or lack of warmth too much these days and I apologize for that but I'm warning you it's not going to stop- not yet at least. I understand nobody likes complainers and that I should just either shut up or move my ass to a warmer climate. I get it, believe me. But here goes: today's run sucked because It was fucking cold out! I don't enjoy running against the arctic wind; it's not pleasant or relaxing. That's one thing I hate about the cold, it's not easy to deal with, it's annoying and a pain in the ass. My face was frozen, fingers tingling, ears a bit nippy and my nose always runs when it's cold out. I was thinking that I need that huge red Easy button that Staples advertises - I always just want to make things easier in life.

The other day I walked into work and as usual started to complain about how cold it was outside- like that particular day was any colder than the last-it wasn't. Right after I said "man, it's cold out" a co worker said "I like the cold". What?! this woman is like 90 pounds and very frail but whatever. At that point I was so tired of saying it myself, I just wanted to understand exactly what it was she liked about being cold. At first she said what everyone else in the world says " well I'd rather be cold than hot because you can always get warm by putting more clothes on but you can never cool off by taking clothes off". (I despise that statement, but in the interest of time I won't go into it). I then composed myself and decided to listen to everything she loves about the cold in hopes that I may gain some insight as to how others feel about the subject. after she told me all her ridiculous reasons I said "OK, here's how I think about the cold" and I walked over to her and started to tap her arm, hit her gently and begin to annoy her. Then I said " this is how I feel about the warmth" and I slowly rubbed her arm in a circular motion. "You see, to me, the cold is harsh, rough, annoying and hard and being warm feels soft and gentle, now wouldn't you rather feel that"? . She responded with "well if you put it that way, yeah" Now I don't know if she was somewhat mesmerized by the circular motion or shocked that I was rubbing her so she just said yes out of confusion- or she was really being honest. Whatever.

My point is, and I was thinking about this later in the week while my teeth were chattering, that dealing with being cold for me is simply unpleasant. While I know there are so many people that are unaffected by the cold I was wondering if it's because they are used to dealing with pain and suffering whether it's from their past or in their lives now. So the cold in turn becomes no big thing, it's just something else to deal with. As I said, I'm all over the easy button; having things feel good, soft, gentle and slow are what I'm all about. I've had it literally since day 1. My childhood was blissful and the rest of my life has fortunately been void of any violent, outrageous or harmful acts. I'm just wondering if there's any correlation between a traumatic childhood/life and having a high tolerance for the cold.

Now please don't go responding with comments like "my childhood sucked and I hate being cold" or "I've had a rough life so far and I live in California". I'm not talking about that, I'm merely questioning the possibility that if someone is accustomed to loudness, harshness, and lack of human intimate contact could there be a possibility that these same people (in general, as a whole) can deal with the cold weather more so than say... someone like myself. Someone who prefers the Easy button. Just a thought as I froze on my run today.

holding it in

My faith in humanity is tested pretty much everyday, but when I hear stories like the one that came up a couple of weeks ago I can't help but just stand still and shake my head in disbelief.

There was a woman in California who entered a contest on a radio station because she wanted to win a video game console- sounds harmless right? Wrong. There isn't actually one right thing about this contest. This woman was one in 18 people who attempted to drink as much water as possible without going to the bathroom. The woman died. That's it. Let's just sit with that statement for a minute... "to drink as much water as possible without going to the bathroom"?! All I can say is "What the fuck is up with that"? Who in their right mind would even begin to, or want to think about that particular scenario; and all for a video game console? I don't get it. Not only was the woman out of her mind, and obviously the other 18 people also, to try to attempt this insane feat but what the hell is the radio station doing hosting it? Am I missing something here, I don't understand what the hell this is all about. The woman was 28 and a mother of three. Again, TWENTY EIGHT AND A MOTHER OF THREE. She wasn't 7, she was 28.

Now it appears the family is suing the radio station over her death. I think it's sad that she died, but sadder that she believed she could actually win. I feel sorry for her children, her family and for the disc jockeys who hosted the event. Something is terribly wrong with this picture but the crazy thing is stuff like this happens everyday, 20 times a day all over the world. This particular one just happened to be highlighted probably because it 'sounds' so normal. A woman wanted to win a video game console for her little children so she entered a contest on a local radio station. Wrong move lady, wrong move. Excuse me, I need to pee now...

fvudck,edc up k,eyboazrdc

I need help. I've put a call into my computer guy, but here I sit waiting and trying to figure out what the problem is. Here's a hint:jmy k,eyboazrdc isx azl.l. fvudck,edc upl. Get it? I said, my keyboard is all fucked up! It seems like the middle keys are the problem. Oh wait, it's also other keys- doubl.e l.ettersx azndc sxhitl. FVudck,!!! It'sx tazk,ing jme too l.ong to wriye thisx sxo I'jm gonel.l.l.\

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Anyone have any ideas?! I spilled coffee on it a couple of weeks ago but it's been finel. I don't need this right now... SXhitk, thisx totazl.l.y sxudck,sxl.

destination unknown

You know those Corona commercials where the guy's laying in the hammock and he he just can't reach his beer because his swing is out of sync? I can't seem to get the image out of my head...

Anyone been to The Bahamas? We are in the process of trying to decide where to go for 5 days in March. Maybe it's the Bahamas, or Mexico or The Dominican Republic or California or Florida. I want the trip to be easy and not too costly.

I'll tell you what I don't want and or need while on this excursion:
A family Scene /Kid Friendly
Crowds
Water Sports
Fear of danger if venturing outside the resort or hotel area
"Lagoon" Beaches (I want open sea)
The chance for bad weather
Tourist Attractions

Here's what I'm looking for:
Sun/Sand
Temps in the 80's
Great Food
A Comfortable Bed
Cold Beer
Space
Quiet
Beauty
This is what I'm thinking

Anyone got any suggestions?

are you an athlete?

Last Sunday when we headed out to a premiere party for The L Word, we were handed a copy of episode 2 as soon as we entered the room. Since we cut the connection to our digital cable last year I accepted the DVD. After viewing episode 402, it's all we are going to get of the ladies until it comes out on rental. We watched it on Monday night and that'll probably be it until the finale- when we go to another bar to watch. I actually can't stand watching the show with other people around; I rarely laugh at what they find amusing, tap my feet to what they feel is musical, gasp at the words they find horrifying or clap at a scene they seem to think deserves attention. I also can't get myself to enter anyone else's private living room for a viewing party... the smells, the closeness of people, the strangeness- it's all just too much for me. Plus it freaks me out a little to watch The L Word up close and personal with other people- it's weird. I doesn't really matter because unlike zoe, I am willing to check out any and all previews, clips, articles, and postings on what has happened on each episode and it feels like I've watched it. I don't really care if i hear what's going on before I see it. All I really want to do is see it anyway, so when the DVD comes out on rental I'm perfectly happy.

We don't really watch tons of TV anymore, thankfully we have too many other things going on so we just couldn't justify spending the money on Showtime just to watch a bunch of fake lesbians have sex. Just didn't need it that much. We may have changed our mind and kept the Showtime if the writers didn't bring homely babies, cancer, totally unrealistic situations, 'boyfriends' , "Betty" and death into the mix, but they did. Let me stick with unrealistic situations for a minute. Without giving anything away, episode 402 has quite a few and I'm getting tired of it. People in real life don't have sex like that, as often as that and as simple as that. Do they? And come on now people, you all can't tell me that if after seeing this episode you saw Shane walking down the street you would actually look twice at her because of the attraction thing. Would you? In my opinion Shane has lost it. Period. Whatever she had in season 1 and 2 is gone- bye, bye Shane. (sorry) One more thing: who the hell wears shorts to a teaching assistant interview. No one, right? But the thing that got me started was the "are you an athlete" line. I get asked that exact question all the time - and it's not because I'm wearing sweat pants. But it never turns into that, or even eludes to it that directly... unless I'm just not seeing something, which I highly doubt.

It just sucks because for a brief moment in the history of The L Word, it all seemed so possible: the beautiful people, the cool jobs, the nice little writing hut, the family neighborhood, the lesbian owned coffee shop, (by day, bar by night- my dream) hot sex, excellent background music, good hair cuts, etc. Then something went terribly wrong. Instead of relying on quality, they decided to go with quantity. Gotta appeal to the general public- and men who like to watch lesbians I guess. Go figure.

Enjoy the season, if I were to take a guess I would think it will rank higher than season 3. Without Carmen I have no idea how but what the hell do I know.

they're back!

We are off to watch the ladies. God help us all if this season sucks as bad as last.

We are headed out to a premiere party here, the place is actually more of a gay men's dance club than anything- figures they'd have it there. If I see more gay men tonight that women I'm out of there. As I've mentioned and ranted about before on this blog, Chicago has but one and only one, lesbian bar and the place is a pit, but all I'm saying is, that shouldn't the L Word premiere be in a lesbian bar and not just a gay dance club? Come on now, we don't have much but one thing we don't need more of is the gay men invading our space. Fuck, I'm so tired of it. At least in years past it was at a decent bar that we frequent often. But not this year. The event runs from 5-8 and at 7 the place is advertising 'Men's Latin Cowboy night'- this ought to be interesting to say the least.

Even last summer when we were strolling the streets of Provincetown, a car full of women pulled up to us and yelled out the window " we thought we were the only gay women around here!- nice to see you" At first I was thinking, thanks for actually noticing we were gay, no one ever does, (maybe we were holding hands-I don't remember) then I said to C. Love "damn! what's going on!" (we had already discussed the fact that we had only seen about 5 gay women and 500 gay men. We even stopped into the one mostly lesbian bar for a drink and the guy at the door said it was men's night! It's getting out of control and it only seems like it's getting worse, not better. It was actually better out and about five years ago than it is now.

So tonight begins another season of The L Word. I wish us all luck.

screw resolutions

I've never really been a New Years resolution type of person; I could never look to the future for my here and now. As much as I could barely figure out my day to day progress, looking ahead to a whole year seemed like a pretty big mountain to climb. I always went completely blank in an interview (back in the day) when this question came up: Where to you see yourself in five years. Well, if I can get this fucking job and I like it enough to stay, then here bozo, here! What the hell is that question. But that was then and this is now.


For many years now the New Year has become just that- another year according to my calendar but not necessarily according to my 'life's 'path'. That my friends is why everyone sucks at keeping their resolutions, if it's not meant to be than you can't force it. Why people are convinced they need to all of a sudden set very strict boundaries on themselves or adopt huge life goals just because the calendar says January 1, is beyond me. For some reason it seems like the resolution thing is everywhere this year, I can't escape the insaneness of people thinking they are all of a sudden going to have a body like a professional athlete when they've been eating like crap for most of their lives. The leap is too much. I'm all for setting a vision for yourself of how you want things to be but if you're miserable while you're doing it that vision going to turn into a bad dream very quickly.


A New Year resolution to me is more like a decision, an understanding or a 'knowing' and less of a 'doing'- but that's just me and I definitely don't lead by example but whatever. Sometimes I think I'm way too laid back for my own good. I gave up coffee and alcohol for lent one year. I'm not even Catholic but I took that 30 day or whatever it is, opportunity to eliminate two things that I absolutely love just to see if I could. It was more of a test for my mental state than my body. I did fine, but refused to go anywhere where either one was being served so the test wasn't really accurate. My point is... I don't know what my point is, but I guess what I'm saying is that I admire people who make those lofty goals on January 1 and are able to see massive results by August 1. To me, whether it was January 1 or March 1, they were meant to achieve whatever they did that year and it was just the fact that it was offically the New Year that helped them get started. I like when the New Year is used as like a spring board and not a diving board. One day at a time, that's what I say. It doesn't hurt so much when you come back down.

Introductions

Last week when I was home there were a couple of times when an introduction for C.Love was necessary; there was either a neighbor in the kitchen, a nurse at the hospital or a friend of the parents around who needed some explanation as to who she was. Since my sister is running on fast forward and is able to get words out of her mouth faster than I can blink my eye, she unfortunately owned all of the introductions. She beat me to it every time and it drove me insane. The problem was that she first introduced me and then immediately said "and this is her roommate"... roommate?!, fuck. If I heard that word one more time I swear if my dad wasn't sick I would have gone off- either by totally correcting her in front of everyone or actually (what I should have done) discussing it with her at a later time, but instead I sucked it up and let the anger sit inside me. I was able to beat her to the punch only once and proudly said aloud "this is my partner, C. Love." I realized this was my sister's issue but come on now, grow the fuck up! I can't stand it and it's just another one of those things I either need to let go of or talk to her about it and let her know that it's not right, she's not my roommate.

I was thinking about this, this morning when I read an article about Annie Liebowitz and her new book "A Photographer's Life,1990-2005". The book is a 'marriage', should we say between her two worlds: photographing celebrities and her private life, including her late 'companion' Susan Sontag. Annie was describing how she hates the word 'partner' when describing her relationship with Susan, instead she prefers the word 'lover'. Susan, she said was the love of her life but they had separate lives; they had separate apartments, did not co-parent and shared different views on life. But, as she said they were totally there for each other-they were in love. I guess to her the word lover cut through all the crap and described it best. Makes sense I guess.

I know every one's relationship is different and what may work for some people may not for others but it's hard for me to imagine being in love with someone and not living with them. I like sharing my life with C. Love, but I know many straight and gay couples who would prefer to live separate lives... whatever. So I was thinking about the word 'lover' and how much I hate that word to describe someone you are in relationship with; it not only sounds too sexual but one dimensional as well. I use the word 'partner' when describing C. Love and I, but that too sounds to professional, cold and without emotion or something. I want another word. Love, life partner, partner, companion, lover, even wife sounds a little corny to me. None of them work but until someone comes up with another, I guess "partner" will have to do. But the word roommate? ... I can't even believe it.

too much

Sex in Maine while the parents are out, watching my mom break down on Christmas Eve because she was without her husband, listening to my 8 year old nephew play the trumpet, waiting for this trip to come to an end, craving vegetables, fighting back tears, experiencing another level to my relationship with C. Love- wanting my life back.

There's been so much going on in the last 5 days I can't even form complete sentences. My mind is full but I can't speak. In two days I head home to Chicago... I can't fucking wait-

Winter Solstice

I feel like I have one more night to do all I can do, (whatever that is) to prepare myself for what's to come. Tomorrow morning we head out to Boston, pick up the rental car and from then on I have no idea what will transpire- both mentally or physically. The one thing I'm holding on to is the fact that Friday is Winter Solstice. Not only is it the shortest day and longest night of the year but the sun is at its lowest point in the sky. The good news and what I'm holding on to is from this day forward the days begin to get longer and the nights shorter. To me, that only means one thing: summer is on its way... I wait all year for this day.

This Winter Solstice thing couldn't come at a better time because come Friday my dad will still be in intensive care; C. Love and I will not know whether or not we will need to separate come Christmas morning; we may have to actually spend Christmas in the hospital; we will be freezing to death because my sister lives in a mansion(not really) and keeps her heat practically off; dinner will be out of our control unless we offer to cook; we will have to share a bathroom with my mom, (hopefully dad) and my two nephews and not have any idea what the coming days will be like. Maybe when the sun starts elevating again, other things in the universe will shift- like good health, prosperity and joy. I was really looking forward to going home this year- enjoying my family in Boston and then heading up to Maine to laugh and love with C. Love's family but now everything's up in the air. I may have to stick around Boston if my dad is still in the hospital but I don't want C. Love to not see her own family so she may take the four hour drive up North solo- I hate the thought of that.

It's hard to not have any idea how I'm going to feel when I'm at home. Usually whenever I see the family my guard is up, I stick close to the kids and steer clear of any political, social or spiritual conversations with the adults. I really don't want to burst into tears when I hug my dad or mom; I don't think I will, although I don't trust myself too much with this one. The crying I don't mind but the timing of it I do. I can't pay attention to anything else going on when I do so I'd rather save it. I just need to hang on and not let my mind dip into that fragile space but as we all know sometimes stopping that from happening is like stopping Winter Solstice from ever ending-it's impossible.

I have to hold on to the fact that my dad is still alive, it's still Christmas time, there's a beautiful golden retriever at the home we are staying at, my niece is performing in The Nutcracker in the Boston Ballet and last but not least, summer is right around the corner. Bring it on-

no comment

Fuck, I can't seem to be able to leave any comments on certain blogs. One of them is you t2 and you too kelly. T2, I had no idea you were going to announce it to the world! Chill, we'll figure out the details- yes, I will be around but shhhhhh... and kelly I hope by now you're feeling better. Man, I loved being sick... sounds strange I know.

Well this week sucks. Sunday I found out my dad is back in the hospital in intensive care. He's still there, they think it's his heart but they're still not sure. Why they're not sure is beyond me. I can't stand thinking about him hooked up to machines, not eating and scared for his life. I can't stand it. I know he'll be ok, but it's a struggle waiting for that. Then on Tuesday I get a call at work that I need to go back to get a second mammogram because there was something not clear on the first one. Talk about a bad day: my dad practiacally (what feels like) on life support and my mamogram not cleared for take off. Next Thursday we head home for Christmas, I'm not sure anymore what that will be like, but I hope he'll be home by then. I have no idea.

I saw my energy healer yesterday and she helped to put my mind at ease around my dad and my boob- my thing is no big deal and he may need a heart procedure but again, it's not confirmed. Tonight we head out to C. Loves Christmas party at the zoo, should be fun- hopefully there will be some good-looking people to gaze at. I won't know anyone at this one so there will be a lot of introductions and simple conversation but the food sounds great and I'm sure there will be plenty of alcohol to keep me focused.

So anyway, what the hell is going on with not being able to comment?

Evening update: A quick thank you to all- my dad seems to be "sitting up in a chair" today and they have decided it's not his heart so he will be able to be home for Christmas. Much relief from this end. I'm off to a cool Christmas party so I better go get myself ready. Thank you all for your words and concern. Hey afunt, I was wondering what was going on with your other blog, I figured you just killed it. This issue sucks and someone better fix something fast. Catch you all on the flip side-

Sexy woman #10

"REPRESENT"


Alexandra Hedison completes the list.

I still believe in something

I'm going home for Christmas, home where my family is but I'll be at my sister's house sleeping in the basement on a pull out sofa- nothing like memories from the past.

If I had my wish I would have never grown up and remained a 5 yr old forever, of course this is an irrational thought but everything just felt so amazingly good when I was little that I can't help going back there in my mind- especially at Christmas time. (except when it was time to sit on santa's lap)

One recurring vision that comes up for me almost daily at this time of year is Christmas Eve, in the house I grew up in. Not only do I remember it like it was yesterday but I can literally feel the warmth and excitement inside my adult body when I imagine it, the exact same way I felt when I was 5, 6, 7 or 8. It was so strong back then I guess I could never let it go. Every Christmas Eve my family threw a huge open house for the neighborhood- some family members and anyone else who wanted to stop by were also invited. The excitement for me began as soon my little feet hit the floor first thing in the morning. Downstairs my mom was either fixing up the decorations in the living room or prepping something in the kitchen; my dad was usually making his ice block for the punch and then heading out to the store for anything we forgot to get, or he was collecting the fire wood from the back yard and piling it on the deck for later that night. My brother was typically in the basement playing with whatever he played with and my sister was hanging out in her (our) room, wrapping gifts or just being "the sister". The Christmas music was blaring, the tree was lit and the kitchen always smelled so good. My heart was definitely pumping a bit faster the whole day while everyone prepped for the evening festivities and then as soon as the sun set, it was like the curtain had been lifted: it was my job to go around to every room and turn on the window candle lights and flick on the big switch which was the spotlight to the front door. The stage was set. The dining room table was filled with food, the punch was made and presented, the bar was stocked, the dog was put in the upstairs bedroom until the guests started to settle in, the kitchen was warm, the fire was lit, the holiday music was filling the house, my parents looked all dressed up and beautiful and everything was right with my little world. The anticipation of Christmas Eve- late night and Christmas morning was mounting. I remember feeling so happy, so content like I was going to burst.

The evening was always a hit, people seemed to get pleasantly drunk but as I got older I always felt they were so relaxed and intoxicated not so much because of that punch but more so because of the ambiance and good cheer. My parents knew how to throw a warm, easy, comfortable party and people ate it up. The vision that remains strong in my head today is the thought of myself sitting at the top of the stairs later in the night after I had been kissed goodnight and put to bed and and while the party continued into the late night (late night for me then-9-10 pm) I was so sleepy but I remember feeling like I just had to listen to the sounds- the music was softer, the laughter turned to light conversation, the smell turned to coffee and remains from the fire, the air felt thick with all things good and I was semi awake when I should have been sleeping. It was so exciting. I would sit there with my knees to my chin until I heard the last goodbye, the spotlight turned off and my dad say he was going into the basement to get the gifts. That was my cue to hop back into bed and dream the good dreams.

To this day I still love the light from the Christmas tree, deviled eggs, holiday punch, watching the embers from the fire die out, the anticipation, late night Christmas eve and eating a brownie or Christmas cookie one last time before brushing up for bed. My house was always so full of Christmas with the colored lights, the smells, the energy and the love. I miss that house a lot; Christmas has never been the same anywhere else but I still have the love from the family, maybe some deviled eggs, definitely a fire in the fireplace and my mom and dad to kiss me good night. But I still wish I was young enough to not feel so thankful for it and just revel in the excitement of it all.

comfort control

There are tons of things we do in life to help ourselves feel better in a not so comfortable situation. For example, sometimes certain music may calm us down if we're driving alone in an unfamiliar environment. Or maybe we'll stick closely to our partner at a party for that extra moral support. I've been known to purposely arrive early and hang out for awhile when I'm headed into a situation that makes me feel nervous. I like to just sit and try to get in control.

Today I have to have my mammogram and I choose to have it here. The hospital has a whole little set up in the corner of the women's department; no one would even know it was there if they weren't looking for it. Who the fuck wants to go to a cold, nasty hospital and pay for parking to get their boobs squished. Not me. I like going where it doesn't feel so medical and severe and it smells good. This appoinment is not the most relaxing 15 minutes for most women especially if it may not be a 'routine' appointment. It's not that I enjoy going, but I don't really mind it when I go to this place, I want to thank someone but I don't who to thank.

I need a new shirt to complete my outfit for Saturday night- maybe I can find one after the squishing.

Sexy woman #9

I gotta do it, I have to put her on the list but I can't believe I'm actually saying it. Probably the only reason she's popping into my head at this particular moment is because of what I saw over Thanksgiving weekend, and it's only a week later so it's still fresh in my mind. Otherwise I'm sure there would be another beautiful, voluptous woman taking the #9 spot.

Now this pick's sexiness has nothing to do with looks; appearance maybe, but not actual facial features per say. Let me first state that I've never really been any kind of a Madonna fan. I've never seen her live, own only one album and always turn her off whenever she comes on the radio. I do however love to watch her perform and believe she totally exudes sexiness during (most of) her performances. On Nov 24, I caught The Confessions Tour on NBC and couldn't take my eyes off the set. I remember saying to C.Love half way through "I'm liking this a lot", and I never say stuff like that. I was obsessed with that show mostly because it was pure entertainment at its best -from a high energy, big budget, professional standpoint. But between all the hoopla there was one common thread: SEX- and it was intense. The woman is damn sexy when she sings. I know this is nothing new, Madonna has been linked with the word and meaning of 'sex' for years and for many different reasons, but I'm talking about the kind of sex that is not particularly spelled out for you with whips and chains. Her body is fantastic, her moves are sensual and her confidence is overwhelmingly real. Her body is hot and tight and combine that with some of those dance moves forget about it. But I'm a sucker for sexy dancing, I don't care who's doing it- it gets me every time.

I know mentioning the name Madonna stirs up a lot but all I want to focus on here is the fact that she is a sexy woman when she is on that stage, especially lately. Plus the woman is 48. That's all I have to say (as I cover my ears) ...

Winter storm watch pt 2

This is funny, I'm home from work again today but I had every intention of going in- even with the fucking snow storm still swirling about. I got up on time, downed my coffee, read the paper, cleaned off both the cars and then got a message from my boss saying that it was ok if I wanted to take another day to 'rest up' because it wasn't going to be busy due to the storm. Hell yah! At first I thought, well I'm up and ready to go so I might as well, then when I took an extra long time putting on my shoes and looking for my ipod I started to think about my decision. What am I stupid!, my boss actually called me and said I could have another sick day and it's Friday -so I called her back and told her I was going to accept her generous offer.

So here I sit again on the couch with my laptop appropriately on the lap and food network on the television. Oh, and looky there on the tv I see Giata... excellent. It's weird being home two days in a row; I just sit here all day doing nothing but it's great! I totally long for these days when I can just be- just do whatever the hell I want to do. I'm not bored at all, I actually feel inspired, motivated (which I rarely feel) and rested. I love hanging out and when you work 40 hrs a week you don't get much time to just hang, there's too much to do. I'm not sick enough to feel disoriented or fuzzy like Claire, just a little tired and not 100% right.

I have a six pack (well now it's a four pack) in my fridge. That's not odd but the bizarre thing is that it's been in there for close to 2 weeks. Two weeks! Six packs don't last in my fridge for longer than 2, 3 days. I can't wait to feel better so I can finish it off. I was just sitting here thinking about something zoe said in a comment. She was saying she didn't think people would actually like her if they met her. I don't get that, she seems very likable and might I add quite a popular blogger- as far as bloggers go. Strange the way people think sometimes, but stranger than that is that I think I could have this laptop on my lap for days on end. I'm pretty sure C. Love would eventually throw it across the room though if I were like this but not home sick from work.

I better do something productive like check my e-mail or maybe do some more Christmas shopping on line. Giata's off anyway... I'm glad she made my list, I still think it everytime I see her. She makes me feel better.

Evening update: Shit, rough night ahead. C.Love has just left the house to go to a party/fundraiser here and she looked and felt very 'hot' as I kissed her goodbye. Ok, now this sickness thing is getting on my nerves. I should have sucked it up and gone with her but I can't stop blowing my fucking nose! This is going to be hard, real hard- I'm always next to her.

Winter storm watch

I spent the entire day on the couch... again. This time because of a stupid, simple head cold. Sneezing, blowing, sighing, waiting, blowing, drinking (water and juice) and waiting. Waiting for the first significant snow fall to start falling, waiting for me to stop sneezing, waiting for my cat to get off my legs so I could get up, waiting for C. Love to get home from the store with some new soft tissues, waiting to feel better after not feeling good for a week and waiting for the day to end so it'll be tommorow. I tried to do some Christmas shopping on line beacuse now that December is here I refuse to go into any store unless it's full of groceries or alcohol. I also attempted to write a post about short people.

Both t2 and afunt posted photos of themselves today which totally woke me from my comatose state but also distracted me from focusing on my own "short people" post. I don't know why but seeing someone who I know but have never seen before freaks me out. It's not that it disturbs me, it just freaks me out- you know? It's all good, I had some time (all day) to sit with it, to sit with my thoughts. I couldn't even respond to the posts right away-that took me all day too. I don't know what it is. Like I've said before, first of all I can't help myself from not visualizing someone and then when I actually see them it just makes them real-or more real should I say. It never seems like anyone else has these issues or if they do, they just never speak of them. Granted I have never posted a full photo of myself, only a partial one but even with that no one seemed to flinch. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Whatever- so t2 doesn't have dark hair and she looks short... or that afunt does have dark hair and wears glasses-not that any of that is strange at all- I'm short and I would have wrote about the subject today but I couldn't stop thinking, blowing and sneezing, long enough to. I wear glasses sometimes too... whatever.

Anyway I'm feeling better tonight but today sucked. I don't know what's going on because I swear I haven't been sick in years. I don't get sick. It's probably stress. Damn stress, it just creeps up on you and kicks you in the ass. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to wake up to a couple inches of snow- oh joy.

Just 21 more days and the days start to get longer again... I'll wait for that.

Not today

Attention: There will be no sexy woman posted today. I need a break.

Saltines and coffee

Last Monday I came home early from work and ended up flat on my back on the couch with a blanket; I stayed there from 1-9. I didn't choose that position on purpose, my body demanded it. I think I was experiencing a combination of the stomach flu and just plain physical exhaustion. When C.Love came home and found me moaning and groaning and uncharacteristically weak, she immediately asked me what I needed and all I could mutter was saltines, chicken soup and ginger ale. All three for my stomach, but more so for my soul. Saltines and ginger ale are just as good of a combination as peanut butter and jelly, buffalo wings and beer or oreos and milk and all but the wings and beer remind me of childhood which always makes me feel better. It was all I ate all night- that and some chicken soup. It took me a good portion of the week to feel better, I didn't drink alcohol all week and my coffee in the morning was never as tasty as it usually is. Whenever I feel like I don't want beer or coffee, I know something's wrong.

Last night we went to dinner with some friends and today I found myself too tired and hungover to get out of bed much before noon, wanting to skip the coffee until 4:30 in the afternoon and I'll probably be ready for bed by eight. I hate this feeling; I hate feeling sick, tired, unmotivated and lethargic. Last week was acceptible because I had some sort of 24 hour bug but today it's simply because I drank too much last night. I only had 3 beers and three glasses of wine but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I didn't sleep well at all because of the alcohol in my system so I know that's why I'm so tired today but I also know my body doesn't handle alcohol the way it used to. It sucks. Years ago, maybe even a year ago that much wouldn't have affected me but as I approach 43 in three months,I see things seem to be different. On my behalf, I do believe that with a combination of no alcohol all week, little food in my stomach all week and only a bowl of cereal in my stomach yesterday contributed to my demise but I still don't like it. Last Thursday, the week before Thanksgiving I went out with my drinking buddy (we'll call him Matt) and drank way too much also, felt totally sick the next day at work and hated every minute of it. That night I did drink too much, but come on now, he's my drinking buddy for a reason! I probably had four too many beers-whatever.

So here I sit at 5:30 in the evening with a pack of saltines (again) and coffee. The saltines because I love them and I'm hungry and the coffee because I find coffee comforting and I'm tired as hell. At least I didn't ended up in my own bed and had tons o fun before the lights went out...

Thanksgiving Day 2006

Went for a run today- after coffee, fried eggs and bacon and a taste of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Turkey's in the oven, dishes are done and stomach is ready. On my run I was thinking about where I would like to be next year for Thanksgiving and I came up with two options: The first was to be able to take Friday off so I have a 4 day weekend and head up to California to visit C. Love's brother and either have dinner at home or I'd be cool with heading out to a restaurant on the water somewhere. Option two is to head to Maine to be with C. Love's parents. (because Maine is great in the fall) Then of course there's option three, which is to stay here but be living in a totally new home with a huge kitchen to cook the feast in. I'd take any option.

This year we decided to keep it quiet and simple: just the two of us. No invites, no strange food- just the turkey and sides. And wine, can't forget the wine. Anyway, besides being thankful for all that I am, today I would like to add being thankful for getting over a very mild case of the stomach flu that I had two days ago. Man, that came out of the blue, knocked me off my feet and wiped out any desire for a huge meal, or any food at all for that matter. I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to eat today but thankfully that's not so. I'm actually starving at this very moment.

I hope you all enjoy your day or enjoyed your day and or 'survived' the day. I guess it's time to bring on Christmas... but first I got to make my stuffing. Catch you all on the flip side. Cheers!

Thanksgiving 101

I've been sensing a lot of unhappiness out there lately, not only in the blogging world but in my own world as well. I’m in no way saying life has to always be ‘fun’ or ‘happy’; there are certainly times when we all need some time to vent our frustrations, complain about the life we’ve been delt or sit and wallow in our misfortunes. But as we know, none of that behavior seems to get us anywhere except maybe to the fridge for a beer or to the cabinet for some sweets. Every so often we are forced to face our challenges. We may need to climb that wall that was put right in front of us or as I like to say- ride out the wave, it’s all about surfing.

Last week or even last month, was a tough one for lots of people out there. For starters, my bud out there in London is struggling with life so much she has decided to cut herself off from the world. Sounds drastic I know but I think she just feels the needs to be by herself and work it out- whatever ‘it’ is. I’m sad because she is hurting so much and I hope she’s ok- I really do. On the other side of the world my friend is dealing with a health complication. Thankfully it is an illness that can be healed but it’s very hard to struggle with feeling sick; we feel less than and weak and tired- not what’s really authentically us. She’s such a strong woman and I know she will emerge from this period of her life stronger- mentally and physically than ever before, but it sucks going through it. I’m sorry she had to spend time in a hospital too; it’s so lonely and disgusting there. Elsewhere people are dealing with love or lack of it. Break-ups suck, so does dating- especially if you’re a gay woman. We try to be all tough and strong and act like we don’t really need to need. We try to make ourselves believe we don’t need anyone else to make us happy. It’s her loss or it’s his loss. I feel badly for people that don’t have someone else to love- a partner in life. When you have healthy love there is nothing better in the world and I wish that for all who desire it. Sure, the single life can be glamorous but it can also be very lonely and depressing. I’m sorry for anyone who is lonely and depressed because they have love to give and no one to give it to. There are others out there dealing with sucky relationships, the deterioration of a relationship, boring or stressful lives, unhappy kids, troubled kids, or just plain feeling miserable for whatever reason. I’m sorry to all of that and I’m sorry you have to feel it-whoever you are.

Since Thursday is Thanksgiving I thought I would dedicate the coming week to being thankful for all I have instead of talking, complaining, crying, or arguing about what I don’t. It’s hard to do this; it’s hard to switch our minds to thinking about what we like instead of what we don’t. We’re so damn programmed it’s scary. One thing I find very easy to appreciate is my parents. I get a pit in my stomach whenever I hear about people not having parents. I know in some cases they may be better off because of it or maybe ok with it for whatever reason, but since my family life was and is so tight, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. I’m sorry if you hate them, if they are ill, if they are gone, if they are mean, if they are mentally challenged, if they are weak, if they are “never there” or if they just refuse to love. I’m so thankful my parents taught me how to love, they taught by example and I soaked it up like a little sponge. I’m thankful they are both alive and healthy. I know how lucky I am and when I think about that, nothing else matters.

I hope you all can find something to be thankful for this week, even if it's as small as your laptop.

Sexy woman #8

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Giata De Laurentis is a hot chef. She makes the list because she's held that description for a couple years now and she's only getting hotter. She always seems to wear the perfect clothing, has a fabulous body and definately isn't afraid to show some cleavage. She knows how to work the knife and talks about the food she's handling like... well, you know. The Food Network is fortunate to have her and I'm just thankful I get to look at her every Saturday morning. Mmmm, mmmm good... hottness in the kitchen, there's nothing better.

Sexy woman #7

The "Mercury Girl" is hot! I know this pick is a bit strange but I can't seem to take my eyes off the commercial whenever the ad comes on. Jill Wagner is her name and she's been around for a couple of years. I'm not sure what it is about her, she's pretty normal looking. Maybe it's the way she says "put Mercury on your list"... Ok, I will!

seeing what's out there

I'm taking afunt's lead:

Leno or Letterman

Air conditioning or a cool breeze from an open window

Pizza or tacos

Red or White

Fast or slow

Loud or soft

R.E.M. or Dave Matthews Band

Pop, Country, Folk, or Hip Hop

Bad diet food and counting calories, or veggies and exercise

Dim lights or Bright lights

Driver or passenger

Femme or butch

The movies, a great dinner and drinks or a night club

Talker or listener

The Mountains or the Ocean

Perfume?

Between the lines or on the line

Straight leg or Flare

Shawn Colvin or Metallica

Morning or Evening

Fact or Fiction

What the fuck

There's been a lot of "what the hell is going on" things this week:

Breastfeeding in public?- what the fuck
When people never answer direct questions- I hate that and makes me not want to know the answer anymore
Democrats take control?- huh?
K- Fed and Britany split?- what the hell is going on with these people. I'm still stuck on why they married in the first place.
70 degrees in November?- bring it on baby, bring it on.
When people take too long to speak the truth- I don't get it, cut to the chase.
The popularity of the movie Borat- what?
The comment dude on sassyfemme's blog who chooses to have a photo of himself shirtless- ???
t2- what the hell was that?
How we got a flight to Boston at Christmas for $138.00?- it's crazy cheap
When people resfuse to use their blinkers- how the fuck am I, as another driver on the road with you, supposed to know that you intend to take a right and pull infront of me? How? BLINKERS PEOPLE, BLINKERS!! (didn't we learn this in driver's ed?)

There are times when I feel like I just want to turn my mind off. I can't stand it when things don't make sense and I have to deal. Thank god it's Friday and sanity is just around the corner.

Sexy woman #6

Kelly Rowan plays a mom on The OC. Yeah, she's another thin, beautiful blond... guilty as charged.

It was just a massage...

Ok, duh- This dude is all over the news lately because apparently there have been some shocking accusations surrounding his sexuality. Shocking? Really? Come on now, is everyone really that stupid.

Ted Haggard was the leader of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals; in other words he’s the head honcho to millions of other little, confused, idiots who spent most of their time vehemently condemning homosexuality. Haggard was a vocal opponent of same-sex marriage- go figure. Mike Jones is a 49 year old escort who is now claiming Haggard paid him for sex once a month for the past three years. Jones decided to come forward when he couldn’t bare to hear Haggard and the New Life Church publicly opposing same-sex marriage when he knows the dude saying it has had ‘gay sex’ with him. Not only did they have hot steamy (gay) sex but they did it while snorting methamphetamine to heighten the sexual experience. The Reverend has admitted to buying the meth and receiving a massage from Mike Jones but THAT’S ALL. Ok, whatever dude, like people honestly believe that- sure. Oh wait, he’s saying that yes, he bought the stuff but he never used it…. This is just plain funny.

Things like this drive me to the brink of insanity; religious issues aside, people like Haggard need to SHUT UP. There are two things on my mind here: one, when people are so fucking stupid and blind when it comes to homosexuality and two, when people who are gay but refuse to admit it. I have tons of patience when it comes to those who are obviously dealing with their own internal struggle with being gay but when they play both sides and oppose the gay side vocally that’s when I loose it. I am well aware that this is a huge subject but for argument sake I’d like to keep it narrowed to those gay people who feel the need to flash the straight card to try to prove it to themselves and others that they are not. We can open the floor to other arguments later.

There are so many people I know who are gay but are either too young to know it yet, too stubborn to see it, or too confused to label it as such- yet. I have a co-worker who is so obviously gay but from my understanding has a “fiancé” who he intends to marry in April. Now this dude is a decent looking African American guy with a very masculine rock solid body but if you saw him walk and heard him talk you’d think the same thing- the guy is gay but just doesn’t know it yet. Plus the guy is a dancer… come on now. That's just one example but I have many others. I guess it’s easier to list some of the things I hate instead of trying to figure them out by rambling.

1. When straight women fall for gay men. He’s GAY… I don’t get it.


2. When straight women think they can ‘get’ a gay man. Again, he’s gay, he doesn’t want to have sex with a women. Go away-


3. When I see a married couple (man, woman) and it’s obvious that they are both gay. Example: People who look and act like ‘Jack’ from Will and Grace and we’ll say… people who look like ‘Ellen’. Come on now, what are you two doing? Come out already.


4. When a woman who is wearing a bandana, riding a motorcycle, wearing work boots, talking trash, sounding like a man, looking stereotypically lesbian then mentions her husband in conversation. What?!


5. When straight people feel the need to constantly hang out with or around gay people and feel an undying need to show their “support”. Gee thanks, but it’s actually gay people to come out that we need so unless you are, go away. You can show your support on Election Day, in politics in general and in your everyday conversation. That’s where we need the “support”.


6. When everyone is “shocked” at allegations like the one with Rev. Haggard. Look at the guy!


7. When people refuse to believe someone could be gay because they are either married, having sex with the opposite sex, a feminine sexy women, a masculine man, a mom with kids, or a leader in the world. Wake up people.

I could of course go on and on about this subject and while I may come across as sounding harsh and or one sided myself, I want to stress that even if I may loose it in every once in awhile in this blogging thing, I can only wish I were more outspoken in the real world. I don't wish to 'out' anyone before they are ready, accuse someone of something that may not be correct or assume someone is gay just because they choose to look like a man or act like a woman- but come on now, if we could just cut through all the crap wouldn't it be easier?