Winter storm watch

I spent the entire day on the couch... again. This time because of a stupid, simple head cold. Sneezing, blowing, sighing, waiting, blowing, drinking (water and juice) and waiting. Waiting for the first significant snow fall to start falling, waiting for me to stop sneezing, waiting for my cat to get off my legs so I could get up, waiting for C. Love to get home from the store with some new soft tissues, waiting to feel better after not feeling good for a week and waiting for the day to end so it'll be tommorow. I tried to do some Christmas shopping on line beacuse now that December is here I refuse to go into any store unless it's full of groceries or alcohol. I also attempted to write a post about short people.

Both t2 and afunt posted photos of themselves today which totally woke me from my comatose state but also distracted me from focusing on my own "short people" post. I don't know why but seeing someone who I know but have never seen before freaks me out. It's not that it disturbs me, it just freaks me out- you know? It's all good, I had some time (all day) to sit with it, to sit with my thoughts. I couldn't even respond to the posts right away-that took me all day too. I don't know what it is. Like I've said before, first of all I can't help myself from not visualizing someone and then when I actually see them it just makes them real-or more real should I say. It never seems like anyone else has these issues or if they do, they just never speak of them. Granted I have never posted a full photo of myself, only a partial one but even with that no one seemed to flinch. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. Whatever- so t2 doesn't have dark hair and she looks short... or that afunt does have dark hair and wears glasses-not that any of that is strange at all- I'm short and I would have wrote about the subject today but I couldn't stop thinking, blowing and sneezing, long enough to. I wear glasses sometimes too... whatever.

Anyway I'm feeling better tonight but today sucked. I don't know what's going on because I swear I haven't been sick in years. I don't get sick. It's probably stress. Damn stress, it just creeps up on you and kicks you in the ass. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to wake up to a couple inches of snow- oh joy.

Just 21 more days and the days start to get longer again... I'll wait for that.

Not today

Attention: There will be no sexy woman posted today. I need a break.

Saltines and coffee

Last Monday I came home early from work and ended up flat on my back on the couch with a blanket; I stayed there from 1-9. I didn't choose that position on purpose, my body demanded it. I think I was experiencing a combination of the stomach flu and just plain physical exhaustion. When C.Love came home and found me moaning and groaning and uncharacteristically weak, she immediately asked me what I needed and all I could mutter was saltines, chicken soup and ginger ale. All three for my stomach, but more so for my soul. Saltines and ginger ale are just as good of a combination as peanut butter and jelly, buffalo wings and beer or oreos and milk and all but the wings and beer remind me of childhood which always makes me feel better. It was all I ate all night- that and some chicken soup. It took me a good portion of the week to feel better, I didn't drink alcohol all week and my coffee in the morning was never as tasty as it usually is. Whenever I feel like I don't want beer or coffee, I know something's wrong.

Last night we went to dinner with some friends and today I found myself too tired and hungover to get out of bed much before noon, wanting to skip the coffee until 4:30 in the afternoon and I'll probably be ready for bed by eight. I hate this feeling; I hate feeling sick, tired, unmotivated and lethargic. Last week was acceptible because I had some sort of 24 hour bug but today it's simply because I drank too much last night. I only had 3 beers and three glasses of wine but for some reason it hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I didn't sleep well at all because of the alcohol in my system so I know that's why I'm so tired today but I also know my body doesn't handle alcohol the way it used to. It sucks. Years ago, maybe even a year ago that much wouldn't have affected me but as I approach 43 in three months,I see things seem to be different. On my behalf, I do believe that with a combination of no alcohol all week, little food in my stomach all week and only a bowl of cereal in my stomach yesterday contributed to my demise but I still don't like it. Last Thursday, the week before Thanksgiving I went out with my drinking buddy (we'll call him Matt) and drank way too much also, felt totally sick the next day at work and hated every minute of it. That night I did drink too much, but come on now, he's my drinking buddy for a reason! I probably had four too many beers-whatever.

So here I sit at 5:30 in the evening with a pack of saltines (again) and coffee. The saltines because I love them and I'm hungry and the coffee because I find coffee comforting and I'm tired as hell. At least I didn't ended up in my own bed and had tons o fun before the lights went out...

Thanksgiving Day 2006

Went for a run today- after coffee, fried eggs and bacon and a taste of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Turkey's in the oven, dishes are done and stomach is ready. On my run I was thinking about where I would like to be next year for Thanksgiving and I came up with two options: The first was to be able to take Friday off so I have a 4 day weekend and head up to California to visit C. Love's brother and either have dinner at home or I'd be cool with heading out to a restaurant on the water somewhere. Option two is to head to Maine to be with C. Love's parents. (because Maine is great in the fall) Then of course there's option three, which is to stay here but be living in a totally new home with a huge kitchen to cook the feast in. I'd take any option.

This year we decided to keep it quiet and simple: just the two of us. No invites, no strange food- just the turkey and sides. And wine, can't forget the wine. Anyway, besides being thankful for all that I am, today I would like to add being thankful for getting over a very mild case of the stomach flu that I had two days ago. Man, that came out of the blue, knocked me off my feet and wiped out any desire for a huge meal, or any food at all for that matter. I was freaking out that I wouldn't be able to eat today but thankfully that's not so. I'm actually starving at this very moment.

I hope you all enjoy your day or enjoyed your day and or 'survived' the day. I guess it's time to bring on Christmas... but first I got to make my stuffing. Catch you all on the flip side. Cheers!

Thanksgiving 101

I've been sensing a lot of unhappiness out there lately, not only in the blogging world but in my own world as well. I’m in no way saying life has to always be ‘fun’ or ‘happy’; there are certainly times when we all need some time to vent our frustrations, complain about the life we’ve been delt or sit and wallow in our misfortunes. But as we know, none of that behavior seems to get us anywhere except maybe to the fridge for a beer or to the cabinet for some sweets. Every so often we are forced to face our challenges. We may need to climb that wall that was put right in front of us or as I like to say- ride out the wave, it’s all about surfing.

Last week or even last month, was a tough one for lots of people out there. For starters, my bud out there in London is struggling with life so much she has decided to cut herself off from the world. Sounds drastic I know but I think she just feels the needs to be by herself and work it out- whatever ‘it’ is. I’m sad because she is hurting so much and I hope she’s ok- I really do. On the other side of the world my friend is dealing with a health complication. Thankfully it is an illness that can be healed but it’s very hard to struggle with feeling sick; we feel less than and weak and tired- not what’s really authentically us. She’s such a strong woman and I know she will emerge from this period of her life stronger- mentally and physically than ever before, but it sucks going through it. I’m sorry she had to spend time in a hospital too; it’s so lonely and disgusting there. Elsewhere people are dealing with love or lack of it. Break-ups suck, so does dating- especially if you’re a gay woman. We try to be all tough and strong and act like we don’t really need to need. We try to make ourselves believe we don’t need anyone else to make us happy. It’s her loss or it’s his loss. I feel badly for people that don’t have someone else to love- a partner in life. When you have healthy love there is nothing better in the world and I wish that for all who desire it. Sure, the single life can be glamorous but it can also be very lonely and depressing. I’m sorry for anyone who is lonely and depressed because they have love to give and no one to give it to. There are others out there dealing with sucky relationships, the deterioration of a relationship, boring or stressful lives, unhappy kids, troubled kids, or just plain feeling miserable for whatever reason. I’m sorry to all of that and I’m sorry you have to feel it-whoever you are.

Since Thursday is Thanksgiving I thought I would dedicate the coming week to being thankful for all I have instead of talking, complaining, crying, or arguing about what I don’t. It’s hard to do this; it’s hard to switch our minds to thinking about what we like instead of what we don’t. We’re so damn programmed it’s scary. One thing I find very easy to appreciate is my parents. I get a pit in my stomach whenever I hear about people not having parents. I know in some cases they may be better off because of it or maybe ok with it for whatever reason, but since my family life was and is so tight, I can’t help but feel sorry for them. I’m sorry if you hate them, if they are ill, if they are gone, if they are mean, if they are mentally challenged, if they are weak, if they are “never there” or if they just refuse to love. I’m so thankful my parents taught me how to love, they taught by example and I soaked it up like a little sponge. I’m thankful they are both alive and healthy. I know how lucky I am and when I think about that, nothing else matters.

I hope you all can find something to be thankful for this week, even if it's as small as your laptop.

Sexy woman #8

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Giata De Laurentis is a hot chef. She makes the list because she's held that description for a couple years now and she's only getting hotter. She always seems to wear the perfect clothing, has a fabulous body and definately isn't afraid to show some cleavage. She knows how to work the knife and talks about the food she's handling like... well, you know. The Food Network is fortunate to have her and I'm just thankful I get to look at her every Saturday morning. Mmmm, mmmm good... hottness in the kitchen, there's nothing better.

Sexy woman #7

The "Mercury Girl" is hot! I know this pick is a bit strange but I can't seem to take my eyes off the commercial whenever the ad comes on. Jill Wagner is her name and she's been around for a couple of years. I'm not sure what it is about her, she's pretty normal looking. Maybe it's the way she says "put Mercury on your list"... Ok, I will!

seeing what's out there

I'm taking afunt's lead:

Leno or Letterman

Air conditioning or a cool breeze from an open window

Pizza or tacos

Red or White

Fast or slow

Loud or soft

R.E.M. or Dave Matthews Band

Pop, Country, Folk, or Hip Hop

Bad diet food and counting calories, or veggies and exercise

Dim lights or Bright lights

Driver or passenger

Femme or butch

The movies, a great dinner and drinks or a night club

Talker or listener

The Mountains or the Ocean

Perfume?

Between the lines or on the line

Straight leg or Flare

Shawn Colvin or Metallica

Morning or Evening

Fact or Fiction

What the fuck

There's been a lot of "what the hell is going on" things this week:

Breastfeeding in public?- what the fuck
When people never answer direct questions- I hate that and makes me not want to know the answer anymore
Democrats take control?- huh?
K- Fed and Britany split?- what the hell is going on with these people. I'm still stuck on why they married in the first place.
70 degrees in November?- bring it on baby, bring it on.
When people take too long to speak the truth- I don't get it, cut to the chase.
The popularity of the movie Borat- what?
The comment dude on sassyfemme's blog who chooses to have a photo of himself shirtless- ???
t2- what the hell was that?
How we got a flight to Boston at Christmas for $138.00?- it's crazy cheap
When people resfuse to use their blinkers- how the fuck am I, as another driver on the road with you, supposed to know that you intend to take a right and pull infront of me? How? BLINKERS PEOPLE, BLINKERS!! (didn't we learn this in driver's ed?)

There are times when I feel like I just want to turn my mind off. I can't stand it when things don't make sense and I have to deal. Thank god it's Friday and sanity is just around the corner.

Sexy woman #6

Kelly Rowan plays a mom on The OC. Yeah, she's another thin, beautiful blond... guilty as charged.

It was just a massage...

Ok, duh- This dude is all over the news lately because apparently there have been some shocking accusations surrounding his sexuality. Shocking? Really? Come on now, is everyone really that stupid.

Ted Haggard was the leader of the 30 million member National Association of Evangelicals; in other words he’s the head honcho to millions of other little, confused, idiots who spent most of their time vehemently condemning homosexuality. Haggard was a vocal opponent of same-sex marriage- go figure. Mike Jones is a 49 year old escort who is now claiming Haggard paid him for sex once a month for the past three years. Jones decided to come forward when he couldn’t bare to hear Haggard and the New Life Church publicly opposing same-sex marriage when he knows the dude saying it has had ‘gay sex’ with him. Not only did they have hot steamy (gay) sex but they did it while snorting methamphetamine to heighten the sexual experience. The Reverend has admitted to buying the meth and receiving a massage from Mike Jones but THAT’S ALL. Ok, whatever dude, like people honestly believe that- sure. Oh wait, he’s saying that yes, he bought the stuff but he never used it…. This is just plain funny.

Things like this drive me to the brink of insanity; religious issues aside, people like Haggard need to SHUT UP. There are two things on my mind here: one, when people are so fucking stupid and blind when it comes to homosexuality and two, when people who are gay but refuse to admit it. I have tons of patience when it comes to those who are obviously dealing with their own internal struggle with being gay but when they play both sides and oppose the gay side vocally that’s when I loose it. I am well aware that this is a huge subject but for argument sake I’d like to keep it narrowed to those gay people who feel the need to flash the straight card to try to prove it to themselves and others that they are not. We can open the floor to other arguments later.

There are so many people I know who are gay but are either too young to know it yet, too stubborn to see it, or too confused to label it as such- yet. I have a co-worker who is so obviously gay but from my understanding has a “fiancé” who he intends to marry in April. Now this dude is a decent looking African American guy with a very masculine rock solid body but if you saw him walk and heard him talk you’d think the same thing- the guy is gay but just doesn’t know it yet. Plus the guy is a dancer… come on now. That's just one example but I have many others. I guess it’s easier to list some of the things I hate instead of trying to figure them out by rambling.

1. When straight women fall for gay men. He’s GAY… I don’t get it.


2. When straight women think they can ‘get’ a gay man. Again, he’s gay, he doesn’t want to have sex with a women. Go away-


3. When I see a married couple (man, woman) and it’s obvious that they are both gay. Example: People who look and act like ‘Jack’ from Will and Grace and we’ll say… people who look like ‘Ellen’. Come on now, what are you two doing? Come out already.


4. When a woman who is wearing a bandana, riding a motorcycle, wearing work boots, talking trash, sounding like a man, looking stereotypically lesbian then mentions her husband in conversation. What?!


5. When straight people feel the need to constantly hang out with or around gay people and feel an undying need to show their “support”. Gee thanks, but it’s actually gay people to come out that we need so unless you are, go away. You can show your support on Election Day, in politics in general and in your everyday conversation. That’s where we need the “support”.


6. When everyone is “shocked” at allegations like the one with Rev. Haggard. Look at the guy!


7. When people refuse to believe someone could be gay because they are either married, having sex with the opposite sex, a feminine sexy women, a masculine man, a mom with kids, or a leader in the world. Wake up people.

I could of course go on and on about this subject and while I may come across as sounding harsh and or one sided myself, I want to stress that even if I may loose it in every once in awhile in this blogging thing, I can only wish I were more outspoken in the real world. I don't wish to 'out' anyone before they are ready, accuse someone of something that may not be correct or assume someone is gay just because they choose to look like a man or act like a woman- but come on now, if we could just cut through all the crap wouldn't it be easier?

Sexy woman #5

Vegas baby. Vanessa Marcil makes the list at #5- (man, this isn't even helping the Monday morning blues) From General Hospital, to Beverly Hills 90210 and nowVegas- she's got it.

There's a 'dark haired' for you all.

Lost dog

Just a thought I couldn't shake from my mind on my run today. I passed a sign posted to a tree offering a $200.00 reward for a lost dog, he is 5 years old. My first thought when I saw it was one of total despair, then I noticed the $200.00 reward and I was wondering how someone puts a dollar amount to finding their lost dog? I mean, I understand posting a reward to give people (kids) incentive to hop on their bikes or grab their skateboards to look for it, but why 200 bucks? Shit if I lost my dog, my reward would be my car or my house or my life savings or whatever the hell anyone wanted from me. I can't imagine ever having to put a sign on a tree because I lost my pet. I don't honestly know what I would do and it's one of those things in life I hope I never have to find out.

As I continued on my run I immediately started looking around... maybe, just maybe I'd see him- somewhere and then I thought of the 200 bucks again and how I would love to be able to tell the owners I didn't want their money, maybe it was all they could literally afford to offer, and how sad is that. Returning their dog to them would be worth so much more than that, nothing would make me happier- not even a million bucks. The thought of someone losing their pet makes me sick to my stomach.

A husband... what?!

It's amazing how much I enjoy the ending of the work day on Wednesday almost as much as I hate Sunday night or Monday morning. Thursday's a breeze to get through and Friday is just the kick off to the precious weekend. Man, I hate that I live for the weekends these days but that's how it goes. I never wanted to be one of those people who walked around all day on Friday saying "thank god it's Friday!" like they were going to literally fall down dead if it actually wasn't. Yuck. I hate that feeling, I hate the mood... I hate to hate.

Last Sunday night was turning into one of those wasted nights where we wind up just waiting around to go to bed, but instead we got into the car and decided to go get a drink somewhere. We ended up a place we frequent often and sat at a bar table and split a bottle of red wine. Now that was a nice way to kick off the work week but then when I walked into work on Monday morning it all went awry. I was doing my usual Monday morning complaining and I was mentioning how I hate to go to the grocery store, it always puts me in such a bad mood. The place smells, I always feel dirty and the people are usually annoying, especially on Sunday. The Bears didn’t play this week so maybe that was why it was extra annoying this week. people just seemed to either be standing in my way with their carts or walking around in a daze as if they’ve never been in a food store before. What the fuck!- get out of my way and make a list before you come here. I can’t stand it. Anyway, I was complaining about this particular event and various other things when someone yelled out “You need to get yourself a husband”… what?!, wait a minute-what?! Most people immediately started laughing like they were in second grade and they just heard ‘Susie say she liked Bobby’. I, on the other hand was speechless and confused but it only took me a second to respond to that ridiculous statement; while I was a little thrown I was also very eager to announce that I was gay.

Me: “what did you say?”
Someone else yelled: “you need to get a husband”
Me: “oh… that’ll never happen” (saying it with much sarcasm) and then proceeded to reintroduce myself to this woman stating that I was gay.

All that aside for a second; just because someone has a “husband” does this mean they won’t ever have to go to the grocery store? I don’t get where she was coming from, it didn’t make any sense. Later in the day we were discussing the interaction and she said her dad was always the one to go to the store so that’s where the comment came from. Whatever. It was strange to have to tell someone I was gay, I haven’t had to do it in a long time. Thankfully it feels so normal now that I assume everyone automatically knows even if I don’t say it, but I understand that’s ridiculous. I don’t think I ever actually said straight out to anyone “Hi, my name is (insert real name) and I’m gay. Strange but good.

Anyway, so Monday started out with my professing my sexuality, Tuesday sucked, Wednesday sucked but now it’s Wednesday night- cocktail hour. It’s all down hill from here. Bring on the weekend… please.

Sexy woman #4

Cat Deeley is smokin hot. If you don't know who she is, she is the host of the show So You Think You Can Dance and I'm sure she's one of the reasons the show is such a hit. She's totally sexy in like a 'let's have sex right here and right now' kind of way. I obviously think she's extremely attractive, but she's also very flirtatious on the show as well, which of couse helps the sexy meter. She's a tall, blond- what can I say?

closeted with Barbie

I was just thinking about Barbie- the doll, when leaving a comment on afunt's post and I started to get a little carried away with my thoughts, so I thought I should bring it over to my place to elaborate. Kind of sad I think... a Barbie? What the fuck. But come on now, she’s a tall blond…mmmmm- Anyway, I remember my obsession with Barbie’s when I was a kid, but what I mostly remember is that cool camper she had. I loved that thing. Of course my older brother used to steal it from me or I’d find it tipped over in the corner of the living room with his G.I. Joe’s ambushing it. But even when Barbie was hung by her feet and attached to the chandelier in the dining room she still looked kinda hot.

I grew up in a pretty large home in the suburbs of Boston; I loved that house, cried when my parents sold it and still drive by it whenever I get back there. It’s in my dreams all the time. We had a pretty large front door which led into a decent size foyer, but it wasn’t too large at all- just right. If you took a couple of steps to the right you were in the living room and a couple of steps left brought you to the dining room. The highlight of that foyer was the closet. We used it as a coat closet, but it was also a good enough size for a 5 year old to hang out in, plus it was carpeted. The closed was cool because the door wasn’t solid, it had slats in it which allowed me to see people going by (people like my mom, dad, brother, sister or dog.) but they couldn’t see me. It was awesome, I lived in that closet. Not literally, but that’s where Barbie and I hung out- that’s where the camper parked, and that was where I went whenever I wanted some “alone time” or to escape from the family.

When I think back on it, I find it kind of ironic that I spent most of my little kid days either in a basement or in a closet. I was in a closet with a tall leggy blond- nice. I wonder about that- not so much about Barbie but more about the fact that I hung out in a closet… it’s strange, right? I loved then, as I do now, feeling as if I can see everything going on around me but also feeling fully protected. I was hidden but involved and that feeling has followed me my whole life. I want to be on the outside looking in and then either open the door or enter the room when I feel I’m ready and not a moment sooner. Sure, I popped out of that closet a lot but I mostly stayed hidden, behind the slats and safe from the world. (my family)

Anyway, I loved Barbie and I loved that damn camper. I wish I still had it.

Sexy woman #3

Kate Winslet is sexy. Not so much in the hot, sizzling way but more in the slow, steamy way- I have a funny feeling she just has it going on no matter what she's doing or saying. The word sexy came to mind the moment I saw her on a talk show after the swell of Titanic. I think it was Oprah- there was just something about her that made me sit back and wonder...

coming out... again

Here's the deal: since I've been a little lost for the last couple of days I've missed National Coming out Day. I guess it was Wednesday but I had no idea. Unfortunately I live in the straight world and if they don't talk about it at work, in the paper, on the morning shows, or on ESPN, I miss it. I should have known, C.Love heard about it but I didn't. I feel like a bad gay person- oh well.

My "coming out story" isn't very animated or extremely exciting so I don't feel a need to share it in detail. What I will say is that it came to fruition about 11 or 12 years ago and I said it through letter writing. I wrote my parents, sister and brother each one. Maybe I decided on writing it because I didn’t feel strong enough to use my own physical voice or maybe I simply wanted to lessen the blow for those receiving it. I kind of think it was a little of both, but all I remember was that I was so tired of hiding it. I don’t honestly think anyone was surprised; what I mostly felt back from them was disappointment and concern. And love- lots of love. My sister in law told me that my brother cried (weird to hear), my sister just wanted to make sure I was ok and my mom just told me she didn’t understand, but she loved me. My Dad gave me love, but no approval. My family is old school, they don’t get it. Bottom line, we don’t discuss it, we all love C.Love and I think they are just waiting for it to end- whatever. My friends back home in Boston were also told through letters and friends here in Illinois were introduced to it when they were first introduced to both C. Love and I when we first hit town when introductions came up and our story followed. I don't hide it from anyone anymore, and I finally feel proud to 'be it'. It took me a while to feel comfortable in my own skin and there are still times of anxiety when discussing the subject or when I'm asked detailed questions about my "story"- it depends on who's asking but I'm a pretty private person and I like it that way- good thing I'm not famous.

I'm mostly sorry that on Wednesday there wasn't one person who felt the urge to either tell their story to me or even just allude to it. I'm around a lot of people every day and it would have been really cool and heartwarming if someone had felt the urge to say they were gay. I know tons of people playing the role of a straight person when I know they’re gay, but that’s a whole other post- it just would have been nice.

Coming out for me was a process, it may have started 11, 22, 13 or 30 years ago- I don’t know, but I never stood on any pedestal and felt the need to announce it to the world- it’s just not my style. In a way this blogging thing has become a continuation of the coming out process; you guys are all new, introductions have to be made and stories have to be told. I felt it was only right for a photo to follow. It’s not a full frontal shot- I gotta know you a whole lot better for that… As much as I got tired of hiding my sexuality, I got tired of hiding myself with this blog- it’s too much. I talk about having “issues” with photos but what I mean by that is seeing someone for me is huge, so I don’t take it lightly. A photo makes it real, makes you real and alive. Close to home- you now what I mean?

Maybe there’s someone out there reading our posts that hasn’t come out yet but will feel secure and safe enough to do it on line with one of us. I know I would have.

Sexy woman #2

She's tough, she's got a great voice and a very sexy vibe working for her which doesn't necessarily come from her appearance.

Michelle Rodriguez makes the list. She's sexy in an untamed but controlled sort of way.

The weekend

Sometimes a little change of scenery is all that's needed to get you through to the next round- if you know what I mean.

We decided to head up to Saugatuck Michigan for the weekend; it's a quick three hour trip up there to what has been called The Cape Cod of the Mid-West. I'm not so quick in calling it that, in fact I wouldn't call it that at all, but for descriptive purposes we will allow it. Anyway, I took the day off on Friday and we ended up getting out of the house by 10:00 A.M.- not bad and then to our destination by around three o'clock (time change) After dealing with some major construction leaving Chicago, it was a pretty smooth trip the rest of the way. We've been to Saugatuck a couple of times before and we always end up saying the same thing: it's too small, there's not enough women, the bar (there's actually only like one) sucks, there's no good restaurants and there's too many families walking around, but we keep going back and back... go figure. We seem to be drawn to this place, but I'm not too sure why.

In order to keep things short and sweet here's a re-cap:
Things we bought: gas for the car, a sandwich on the way up, coffee when we arrived, a bottle of wine for the room, dinner, almost a really cool pair of shoes for C. Love, a panini sandwich and a new thumb ring for me- I've been looking for one with a thicker band. I found one and it's nice...
Not much purchased as you can see.

Things we did: Ate, drank, shopped, walked, sat on the beach, held hands, kissed a lot... cried, (long story) watched some TV., ate breakfast with strangers, talked a lot.
Not too much as you can see.

Things we discussed: Moving there, moving to California, the beauty of Race Point Beach, the lack of gay people in the most gay area of the Mid-West, our future, our past, our relationship and the fact that our room was overpriced, bad coffee, why there is only one coffee joint in the area, how much the Mid-West is just so Midwestern and how we keep getting stuck next to playgrounds-
Again, doesn't sound like much but way more than what I can describe- believe me.

We had a great weekend, we got in touch with some things that were lost and learned about some things in the process. We decided we need to seriously consider moving to California, how important good restaurants, bars, beautiful surroundings and cool clothing stores are to us and how we need to go away more- in other words we didn't really do, see or experience anything out of the ordinary but we didn't have to do it in the comfort of our own home for a change.

Things look better when things look different.

Sexy woman #1

Esquire magazine has just crowned Scarlett Johansson the "Sexiest Woman Alive." First of all I really want to know how these people come to this conclusion, are they ever even meeting them face to face? Because I'm thinking the vibe thing one gets from being up close and personal would count for a lot. But anyway, there you have it. She is pretty hot and I too will consider her sexy, she's actually beautiful but the sexiest woman alive? yikes, that's big.

I am going to dedicate Monday morning to sexy women... well(famous) women I think look sexy. Scarlett will start it off and in nine weeks from now someone will end it. Monday's suck, so what better way to start your week than with a hot babe. Mine's sleeping right now... Enjoy the show.

Recipe for love... at least that's my goal

This week was a sucky, horrible week for various reasons that I won't bore you with, but I refused to end it on a down note so I developed a plan mid morning on Friday to help me kick start the weekend. My goal, and it felt like a huge one to concour, was to attempt find some of the the magic C. Love and I have lost. There are some changes going on within each of us these days and we are trying our hardest to not let it affect our relationship, but in a way that's virtually impossible. It completely sucks. Bottom line: she needs more connection, I need more space; she needs to "talk", I don't want to talk at all; she wants to figure out what's going on at all times and I want to bolt- These dynamics don't make it easy to enjoy each other's company. But I'm here to at least help to distract us from 'life', focus on what works and enjoy a fabulous meal in the process. I told her I was going to make dinner earlier in the day, with a thought in the back of my mind that my superior cooking skills, excellent taste in music and undeniable charm would win her back to me- at least for the evening.

The menu was as follows:

Grilled lamb chops with fresh rosemary, thyme, garlic and olive oil
Twice baked mashed potato with a little parmasan cheese
Sauteed green beans with toasted almond
Some warm crusty, rustic bread
Red wine

I stopped at the store on the way home, picked up the goods, rushed home and popped open the wine. She was on a buisness call when I got home so that allowed me to prep without her knowing. By prepping I mean prepare the food as well as myself. After she shut down the office for the night I greeted her with a glass of wine, a smile on my face and open arms...

I am happy to report it worked... phew.

bring it on

I’ve been somewhat obsessed with how poorly I felt I ran a 5k race a couple of weeks ago and I’ve been trying to figure out why. It was a miserable race; I was exhausted physically, mentally and spiritually. For starters the fucking race was first thing in the morning which is why I never run any of these- I’m no good in the morning. Period. I decided to run the thing because I was hoping for some sort of kick start, something to get my competitive juices flowing not only for that particular race but for where I am in my life. But nothing happened. I hate to run with crowds, especially older men who grunt their way through the race. SHUT UP-please. For those of you out there familiar with times, my time was 30:12- that wasn’t good enough for me. I’m not a huge runner but that was too slow, it actually sucks. There are many reasons why I struggled, but since I’m convinced running is mostly a mental game with ourselves, I guess I feel I just didn’t have what was needed for those measly 30 minutes-I didn't have the strength.

I consider myself a very strong woman. (my arm doesn't show it all) I am physically strong for being only 5’3-4” and something like 105 lbs. (haven’t been weighed in a while) but what I’m talking about here is mental strength. There’s been a lot of change in my life lately, nothing of physical value but more so from an inner restructuring. Nothing has felt right lately: I hate my job and it’s not working for me anymore, I can’t find good music to listen to, I don’t like where I live, it feels strange to drive my car and C. Love and I are learning to be together in a whole new way... that’s the most disturbing of all. Our relationships and jobs and home are like solid, normal things we can count on. They may suck at times or be problematic but we get accustomed to them, learn to deal around them and carry on with our life. When one of them speaks too loudly at us we either become a miserable bitch, a depressed, hopeless individual or a crazed lunatic. Or in my case, shut off. It feels like my world has been turned upside down just because my Saturday was taken away from me. C.Love used to work on Saturdays so she would leave the house in the morning and come home at the end of the day-but not anymore. I used to have the entire day to myself; I cherished it, waited for it patiently and used it to nourish my soul. It was a huge deal and now that it’s gone I am forced to find my inner strength in other unfamiliar ways.

There’s been a lot of talk about finding the strength lately; whether it is the strength to loose weight, to get in shape, to develop patience or to simply grow up once and fore all. One thing I’ve learned over the years is as soon as you have the desire to find the strength the rest will follow. The ‘rest’ may not be in the form of what you’ve imagined: the 10 lbs, the new job, or the toning of muscles, but some change is bound to occur. So listen to your little inner voice because it will speak to you. Back to that 5k race again, I know one reason I hated running it was because there was a start and a finish and boundaries all around it. I don’t do well with feeling trapped, I’m claustrophobic when it comes to MRI machines, block parties and mosh pits but as long as I am allowed to do what I want to do in as much time as I want to do it I’m cool. I like things to be slow, that’s why I love baseball and Mr. Rodgers. Slow it down, give me some room to breath, be quiet and chill out- that’s what I say. That race was stressful because I couldn’t just ‘be’- and I shut off. I shut down.

An inner voice told me to do that damn race which is why I followed through with it. Nothing has come of it… yet, but when it does I'm ready for it.

the skinny on bad fashion

Unfortunately there seems to be a new fashion trend hitting the stores and streets: the skinny black pant... or should we say LEGGINGS!!(yikes). I can just picture it now; women of all shapes and sizes attempting to wiggle into these things and struggling with not only trying to find the right shoes to wear with it but hating their bodies even more so than they do because they won't look good in them. Duh, it's a Skinny Black Pant. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN THEM, unless your like 7 or anorexic.

Come on 'GAP' we don't need this crap. I'm just witing for the day I walk into Starbucks and see that exact outfit on someone in line- hat and all- shit.

Happy fall everyone, enjoy the scenery. (from behind maybe)

Lost in space

Sometimes there are things about blogging that I just can't stand to deal with and they are as follows:

1. When I read someone's post and see that there are 52 comments, well not 52, but something like 16, 22, 28 etc. When the hell did all these people get there? Sometimes I'll just keep walking because I just don't want to be #562- or whatever. When a place is too crowded I'll leave.

2. When I know for a fact (site meter) that someone has been continually checking me out and will not say hello. If I catch you checking me out on line or in person and you don't say a word, I find it annoying and rude. Come on in and speak- it's easy.

3. When someone takes my comment and interprets it out of context. It's frustrating.

4. When I can't see their facial expressions. Actually that I can't see anything, but I guess that's the point.

5. When I land on someone's blog and then get distracted by something else (very easy for me) and I imagine them looking at their site meter noticing that I've been on it for a very long time. It really didn't take me 50 minutes to read your 3 sentences, I just got distracted and I'm sorry.

6.When I find out that two random blogging people are actual live friends. Blows my mind for some reason.

7. When I have to wait days for a response to a question type comment.

8. When I start to form a 'vision' of what someone looks like or imagine what they might be like and find out I'm completely wrong.

9. When I think that all this could just disappear any second because of something beyond my control. Or if someone just decides to quit. Poof- no more. That bothers me.

10. When I'm looking for something to do on any random night and I can't call one of you to grab a beer with.



That's not me by the way- just in case you thought so. I wouldn't wear that kind of bracelet...

Hook, line and lifejacket

I'm hooked. It didn't take long this time, actually whenever I've gottten hooked on anything or anyone for that matter it didn't take long.

It started with a willingness to be open and continued because of meaningful dialog and excellent background music. There has also been enough humor and sex tossed in to keep me and the rest of the world fully engaged instead of wanting to flee the scene for fear they may slip into that black hole of 'emotion' and never find their way out. It's the way little meaningless words are put together to form huge powerful statements- simple sentences people long to hear, is what amazes me; not because of what the words mean but more so because it's so simple and organic. The general viewing public seems to be captivated by it and that's what I find shocking. I wonder what kept people away from Party of Five, Felicity, and Relativity if they love this one so much. Maybe it's just because this one deals with mostly relationships, having 'feelings' for someone you can't necessarily have or struggling with the ones you do have and eveyone's an adult this time- people can relate and the fact that it's played out in a very real way makes it easier to watch- I guess. Like I said, it's simple but it amazes me. I always assumed quality shows like this and films like Titanic or Brokeback Mountain were just too much for people. Nobody likes to watch anything that may hit upon some of their issues, make them wonder about themselves, or feel anything- god forbid. Personally it's all I look for and live with day to day whether it's in real life, in the music I listen to, or the movies and television I watch. It's human connection at it's best and it's life- turned up, stripped down, stretched out and expressed. It's not because of the life threatening surgical procedures or because of the way anyone looks; nobody is real or even extremely good-looking for that matter- decent at best. Nobody's screaming, there's no rage on the street, no hatred or abuse. If anyone's yelling it's out of fear, lonliness or because of love and they just don't know what the hell else to do. It's the reading between the lines, leading with the heart instead of the head, thinking before speaking and listening instead of talking. I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy. (I realize I'm a little late with this one)

I had never seen even one episode of the show up until two weeks ago but from within the first 15 minutes I was hooked. I had never really wanted to watch Grey's Atatomy because of it's hype and overexposed hospital theme. General Hospital, ER, House, Scrubs, Doogie, Chicago Hope- it's been done before and ER got way too medical and depressing for me so I stopped watching. I listened to everyone talk about it but for some reason just never turned it on- never. I wasn't so excited to jump on the McDreamy bandwagon or watch any more people suffer in a hospital but from what I've seen so far, none of that is even remotely important with this show. Sure it takes place in a hospital but it's not about watching the open heart surgery procedure, it's about how the dude on the table or woman in the bed is dealing with their issue at hand. It's all about all the stuff that goes on behind the scenes of the surgury or diagnosis, or accident.

I don't typically enjoy being one of the crowd or part of the masses but this time it feels good. I'm glad people enjoy this show because it makes me think that maybe people aren't so bad afterall. Maybe, just maybe the world is starting to soften up. One can only hope- and watch the interns in Seattle deal-

running to stand still

I had intended for this post to be about all the negative things that happened today and to list my top ten, then I got an e-mail from my sister with photos of my nephews and I while on vacation and everything changed. As soon as I opened a bottle of wine (red because it was freezing out), sat with C.Love and my kitten on the couch for a couple of minutes, the world amazingly seemed to change colors. It's funny how we can so easily get caught up with all of the bad vibes that attack us daily but it takes effort to recognize all the positive things that come into our space and conciousness. We get so used to feeling angry, getting upset and expecting the worst that it tends to take us over. I don't want to fill this void with negative energy- who needs that.

One of the photos I received today was of me, my 12 year old nephew and his 8 year old brother on the beach. I remember when my sister took it because it was taken at one of my happiest moments of the week. After enjoying a couple of afternoon beers with my Dad, sister and C.Love the kids started to get restless; after all it was around 4 p.m. and they had been there since one o'clock. The 8 year old is into extreme sports, anything physical and has some normal, healthy energy that unfortuately tends to be stifled by his parents and grandparents more often than not and I can't stand it. Any kid should be allowed to have as much fun and let out as much energy as they want to, especially when it's at an acceptable time but for some odd reason my family tends to look down upon anyone or anything looking too "happy". (or so I've noticed lately) Thankfully I don't see eye to eye on many things with my family and fooling around and being silly with kids is one of them.

The eight year old suddenly got excited for some reason and I noticed him doing sprints up and down the beach. Then I noticed him diving into the water, rolling all over the sand and diving in again; he was screaming and yelling like he was on fire. It was so great to watch him but all the while I just had this urge to run in after him or throw a ball or toss him into the waves, but I was having my photo taken with the adults- booooorrrrrrring. He was cracking me up while I sat there posing for the camera. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I could hear him saying to himself, but also loud enough for me to hear that 'I couldn't catch him'- as he went sprinting down the beach. That was all I needed, give me a challenge and I'm all over it.

One of the best moments of my week came when that last photo was taken, I dropped whatever was in my hand and I went sprinting up the beach to catch the little dude. He was running down by the water so I just took off after him and ran as fast as I could. (I was a sprinter in college) Since he was running so fast he couldn't hear me and was totally unaware that I was behind him and closing in fast. I could hear him breathing and puffing, hear his feet slapping the wet sand and hear the waves and the sound of my own breath when I finally caught up and reached out to grab him. He had no idea I was right there and when I touched his shirt- he freaked out, it was sooooo awesome! He freaked, I yelled, "I GOT YOU!", he turned slightly to see me, yelled something back and then kept running. As fast as his little legs would carry him. So much excitement in a split second. The look on the kids face as he turned was one of complete surprise and total amazement- it was so great, I'll never forget it and I honestly don't think he will either. We had so much fun that day I was wishing it could go on forever.

So instead of talking about annoying men, bad drivers, the sucky weather and my lack of patience for the masses; I decided to think about happy kids, drinking on the beach with my family, unconditional love and unforgettable memories. Nice turn- around if I do say so myself.

This one's for zoe

I just had to.

I was reading kelly's post about some foreign flick and people were kind of going on a little about the woman above- Catherine Deneuve. I don't know much about her or the film, so I had to see for myself. I'm thinking no thanks. She looks fake in that photo, like a clay figure or something. Check out the boobs, they definately look odd- right?

My a.d.d. kicks in with 'period' films, older foreign films and 'epics' (like Braveheart) so I don't think I'll even attempt to watch it but for those of you who do I hope you enjoy it. Looks like she's welcoming at least.

Update: C.Love just informed me that she's wearing a body suit. You see she didn't even hold my attention long enough for me to notice that. Wow, I guess it's been a long day...

A moment of silence... please

I'd like you all to please sit in silence for one second (or for the length of this post) and take a moment to remember the summer... ok thanks.

One of the worst days of the year happened today and it was totally unexpected. I had just planned to stop at the grocery store on my way home from work to pick up some cat litter when the cold hard truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Pumpkin colored bricks. After picking up the litter I headed straight to the checkout when I got distracted by the huge display of Pirate's Booty; I then realized I was starving and was mesmerized by all the other chips and snacks. I then got delayed in the magazine aisle for a bit, then finally made my way over to the checkout lady. There seemed to be some problem with the guy in line so I made a quick left down the beer aisle to just 'take a look' while I waited. (I didn't even go in for beer this time damn it.) My body just automatically gravitates to the beer, it's strange... Anyway, I figured since I was here I might as well just pick some up. All of a sudden I looked up and saw the hugest display of SAM ADAMS OCTOBERFEST blocking the aisle. Octoberfest!! It's too fucking early! As much as I absolutely love the day I walk in during late spring and see the summer brews, I despise when I stroll in sometime in August and see October-fucking-brew on the shelf. Hate it. I managed to poke around a little and grab the last six pack of Sam Adams Summer Ale sitting there all by its lonesome shoved to the back. Like a beach with no one on it, it's a sad sight. I walked away holding that six pack like it was gold, but what I was thinking was hang on, just hang on- summer's not over yet.

I don't care if your summer sucked because it was TOO HOT. Boo hoo for you, I suffer nine fucking months out of the year. I have to put on a jacket, bring a sweater, maybe wear wool because it's warmer, worry that the restaurant will be freezing and I won't be able to eat fast enough to get the hell out, drink red wine for warmth, wear socks everyday, have hat head, etc, etc. My point is that I hate cold weather but more importantly adore the summer. I love everything summer represents; I love summer sports, clothing, (beers) and attitudes; I love eating outdoors, jogging at eight o'clock, having tan feet, feeling free and as I've mentioned before- breathing. Bottom line, summer is the bomb.

I know the summer season is pretty much over, it's back to school time soon and it gets dark now at 7:30, but it's only August 22. August is still officially summer in my book and unless I can find some more I got five more 'summer' beers to help me deal with the pain of it eventually ending.

JonBenet all over the television, no hair gel on carry-ons, October beer in the grocery stores; what the hell is going on...


photo was taken with my phone as I took my last steps off of Race Point Beach in Provincetown

Free to be

This one's for mad hatter. (pay no attention to the guy in the photo. )

When C. Love and I were strolling down Commercial Street in Provincetown last Friday night, we new we had to snap a photo for her. I'm not sure if she's in to hats at all, but I do know she would love this place. 'Free to be'- with the shops, fudge and scenery.

We headed out to Provincetown twice this year; the first time was because I had planned to meet my old friend for our yearly summer hook up. This time I met her on the beach during cocktail hour with a 6 pack of Rolling Rock and a copy of my summer cd in tow. As I thanked her for driving up to visit in an e-mail the next day, I was telling her that drinking on the beach is all I ever want to do and to have been able to do it on Race Point was superb, it was better than a scene I could have written for any movie. It was perfect, except for the fact that a 6 pack wasn't enough, but she had to drive back to Boston anyway. So we drank, laughed, got reaquainted a little more, stared at the ocean and sat in silence for seconds at a time; we talked about music, relationships, travel, beaches, family, our goals and our 'dreams'; we soaked up each other's energy, reminisced about some of our old drunken escapades and without saying a word let each other know that we have a strong connection-still, after 15 years. We sat there on one of the most beautiful beaches- in my opinion and hers (she's traveled all over the world and sat on many beaches. Myself just East Coast, West Coast, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii and the Greek Aisles.) My point being is Race Point Beach is out of control with it's natural beauty. There are no snack bars, houses or buildings in sight- just the rest rooms and Lighthouse. Sea grass, sand, ocean and space abound. I couldn't ask for any more.

When the beer was gone she gave me a lift into town so I could hook back up with my love, C. love who was doing a little shopping and sight seeing while I hung back at the beach. We all sat down for another drink, some chowder and some fried fish then we said goodbye to my old friend and C. Love and I continued to enjoy Provincetown- hand in hand. I noticed lots of ladies out that night, usually it's filled with groups of gay men. I was thinking how fortunate but also how sad it is that we have to go to the very edge of Massachusetts to be able to feel completely comfortable holding our girlfriends hands. Sure, we can do it anywhere we want but in Provincetown it's expected and accepted. Two straight women must feel awkward around there. I don't like to make a scene in general so it's been a challenge for me to show my affection towards C. Love in a lot of public places. I don't want to feel like I have to hold her hand to prove something, I just want to be able to hold it because of the connection we have and in Provincetown there's no reservations and no issue with 'showing'. Some of that is because I have more of a comfort level within myself but since Provincetown so welcomes it, the act itself has become simple- almost natural. It's so comforting for us to be there we almost made the decision to make it the town we would live in when it came time to look for property on the Cape. Almost.

The next time we ventured out to P-town last week was because it was a cloudy day, we needed some space from the family and we just felt like strolling and shopping some more. Whenever we head to the Cape we plan to go out to P-town because it's really the only place on Cape Cod where we can be ourselves. The Cape isn't the most multicultural area in Massachusetts. Not that we are of different cultures or anything, it's just the openness and diversity we crave. Plus there are tons of families vacationing on the Cape and that gets very annoying very quickly. There are still many families walking around Commercial Street but when they are surrounded by an overabundance of gay folks, drag queens and 'art'- it's easier to deal with them and their screaming kids. Anyway, I know a lot of you have been to Cape Cod and some of you have visited Provincetown or are going soon... but I hope that all of you can experience Provincetown someday the way I feel it should be: freely- with your girlfriend, relaxed mind and body, primed for some stimulation; whether it be fudge, scenery, fancy drinks, beer, a new t-shirt, jewlery or just her; my wish is that you get it.

It totally sucks that my vacation is over... that's all I can say for now.

Breathe in, breathe out

How often are we not conscious of our own breath or our own breathing rythm. Too often I suspect and too often is not a good thing.

We breathe in when we stand in front of the ocean to get that fresh salt air into our bodies and soul. We breathe in from feeling a huge relief has been lifted from our shoulders. We breathe in regularly if we practice meditation, yoga, or mindfulness. We breathe in from lack of air, from feeling phsically suffocated and from fright, but in any of these there's a chance we never breathe out again, or at least not immediately. We breathe in to hold things in: our anger, our frustration, our feelings, our fear and our discomfort. A lot of times we are fully aware of our breath in, but we get lost somewhere in between when we inhale and then again with the exhale. Of course we all phsically do it, it's natural but what I'm talking about is the consciousness of it and how that can get lost so easily it's kind of scary.

Lately I haven't felt like I can breathe because I have too much going on in my head and because I have an overwhelming feeling of feeling stifled- stifled from lack of air. It's not physical air I speak of, it's space from my routine, my partner, my stale mind and in a strange way from myself. One reason I love this hot weather is because it allows my mind to expand; in the winter it constricts. For basically seven months out of the year it's either freezing outside because of the elements or inside because of the forced cold air and my body as well as my mind tighten up. I can't think when I'm freezing, my mind literally goes numb. Weather aside, my mind is frozen these days because I think my soul needs to run free. When your mind is not aligned with your soul watch out. Crazy things begin to happen like getting frustrated easily, angered for no reason, speaking things you really don't feel and basically feeling like you are gasping for breath.

In three days we go on vacation to one of my favorite places in the entire world- Cape Cod. I'm hoping that my stress, frustration, anxiety, fear, and anger gets realeased with every breath out that I take. I'll have other challenges next week to deal with like someone kicking my seat on the airplane, fighting with the guy at the rental car place or struggling with my family and our 'dynamics' but they all seem so easy to deal with. I need a change of scenery, a different bed to sleep in, my mom's comforting voice, a break from life and a chance to breath out- the exhale is the powerful part. The air smells so clean out there it should be easy to breathe in and out mindfully, but I have a feeling the reason I will be doing it so easily isn't because I'll feel relaxed and happy but because my body and soul will feel like they are home. It'll feel right, hopefull all week long.

Not what I crave

This came up in conversation with someone the other day and it comes up quite often in different circumstances so I was thinking there's probably a reason for it; I know the reasons are not the obvious ones though.

We were talking about rollercoasters and I said I had never been on one. I know, you're saying what?! never been on a roller coaster?. Yup, never. The reason being is because where I grew up in Massachussetts, there weren't any amusement parks close by and every summer we headed two hours south to Cape Cod and Cape Cod only. Sure we went camping every so often in New Hampshire and Maine and we took family vacations in the off season to Florida and Washington but still no amusement parks to be had. So after the rollercoaster comment, I immediately said "there are three big things that I've never done: one- never been on a rollercoaster; two- never ridden a horse; and three- never had a White Castle burger.

Rollercoasters, horses and burgers. Three kind of strange, random things that I've never experienced, and everytime I say it I think the same thing, that I have no burning desire to do any one. I can think of three other things I've never done that I'm dying to do: Head to the North shore in Hawaii, lay down on the beach and feel the power of the waves. I'd like to be able to pay cash for my next car and I'd like to try an In-N-Out burger while hanging in California. Now those are three fairly simple things for some other people but I'm sure they too have their own lists to deal with. For Gidget out there in hawaii, she may wishing she could try an authentic, deep dish Chicago style pizza... no problem dude, I'll be happy to trade you a pizza for a beach towel any day.

Here goes...

Being 'tagged' feels like when I used to receive those awful chain letters in the mail. But unlike being tagged on blogs, being the recipient of a chain letter used to scare me half to death, made me angry as hell and left me feeling 'empty'. Needless to say I have been tagged, and since it's from fairyland I can't walk away and pretend I never received it- the angels might get me.

When did I start blogging and why?

I started blogging on June 7, 2005. My first post was a music review of Coldplay's album, "X and Y". I think I started blogging because I was looking for a 'tool' to help me to write on a regular basis. Nothing else was working.

What don't I write about?

Well, I don't have any interest in writing about things that don't resonate with me at all. Even if it's stupid but it interests me in some way I'll blog about it, but I won't just write a post just to get something out there. Same goes for the comments, I won't ever comment on someone elses just for comment sake. I have to relate in some way in order for me to respond. I hate writing about politics, what my cat did yesterday or how many times per week I've had sex- and how it felt...

Am I and my blogging persona the same person?

Yes. And no. Mostly yes. I may be a little 'louder', harsher and more fearless on my blogg. Not so much in real life, unless I'm provoked...

How do I use blogging to build friendships?

I'm not sure that's what I'm doing because sometimes this doesn't feel real. Even though I know it is.

How do I describe my blogging style?

I don't know, I just write whatever hits hard in my gut, my mind, my eyes or my heart.

I am not going to pass this along to anyone specific because I don't like putting anyone on the spot, but let me know if you want to be touched and I'll be happy to 'tag' you.

Give me my swing set back... please.

Since I'm obviously (well I guess only to me) struggling with some issues lately: taking control of my life, kicking fear in the ass, living like I only have one life to live and knowing from the depth of my soul that it's now or never... I'm gonna spend some time writing about being a little kid. Because when I was a little kid none of this 'life' stuff was important, the only thing that made sense was me thinking: am I happy and if not, what I can do about it. Since I can't unfortunately play with my brother's friends just because my own are too boring to play with, or swing on my swing set until it's time for dinner or play with my colorforms or watch Mr. Rogers on T.V., I thought It might help me to feel better if I imagined what I would be doing tonight if I was 5 again. I certainly wouldn't be sitting here thinking about the fact that the rest of my life is in my own hands and I have complete control over what happens for me.... no way, not that.

If I were five tonight I would be outside playing 'kick the can' and kicking the hell out of that can; I could possibly be sitting in my bean bag chair with my bathing suit on waiting for the morning to come; I may be feeling really sleepy because I played kick ball all day long at the playground with my 'playgroup'; I could very well be sitting on my porch in my grandmother's lap feeling as though there's no better place to be; I might be walking on the beach with my mom, dad, brother and sister for an after dinner stroll; I could be just lying in bed listening to the sound of the waves or sitting at my dining room table admiring my sea shell collection from spending the last five hours at the beach. Whatever I may have been doing back then it didn't really matter. My point is that my mind was focused on feeling good, that's really all a little kid wants to feel and I remember I would do anything I had to do to get there, it was just a fact. There were no 'issues' to deal with, no fear, no anger, no thinking involved- just a focus on being content and feeling like everything was ok.

I wish I could think like a five year old when it didn't matter if I sat in my brother's treehouse till someone finally found me or spent the afternoons cutting big worms in half just to watch them move seperately. Because whatever I did didn't have any effect on whatever I was going to do next. Little kids live in the moment... I'm still that same little kid, I need to remember that. Everything's ok and everything will be ok, but it's not as easy as it once was to think like that.

crowd control

I have this love hate relationship with crowds and it drives me crazy. I love looking at them from a distance and commenting but hate when they come too close and invade my 'space'.

On Friday night we went to an outdoor concert, the headliner was the Indigo Girls. Now I've seen Indigo a thousand times, well not a thousand but close to it. This isn't however a review on their performance from the other night, all I'll say about that was that it was as always, very comforting and enjoyable to see them live and that night was no exception.

We went to a place called Ravinia Park in Highland Park, Il. Ravinia is an outdoor music venue known for its expansive beautiful lawn area which offers an informal place to kick back, enjoy a 'picnic' and listen to the music that's blaring from the speakers on the trees. The problem arises with everyone setting up camp: laying down the blankets, assembling the tables, opening the chairs, cracking open the beer or wine and setting up their food spread. It's like watching something personal in a public place-it's funny. The point is to hang back and relax under the sun and stars- if you can, I get easily distracted so it takes me awhile to settle down. Ravinia also has an open-air covered pavillion seating area for about 3,200; it is used mostly for symphony concerts, but it's open for all of the events all summer long. Anyway, my point is not to describe how beautiful this place is, it's to talk about how annoying it can be.

Most of the season ticket holders to Ravinia are upper class older folks who buy them for the classical series. The problem is... well two things: Ravinia is located in one of the most affluent suburbs in Illinois (you know where I going with this, right?) and the season ticket holders don't care who is performing on any given night, they just want to entertain- on their fucking big ass blanket. Lots of these people treat this so called 'lawn' area as if it were their livingroom/diningroom/kitchen, and it's annoying as hell to those people like myself who just want to hang out under the stars for a couple of hours, listen to some good tunes and munch on some fried chicken. It's usually an enjoyable time when we go but for some reason Friday night wasn't so great. I'm not sure if it was because I was in a negative space( bad discussion/argument with boss an hour before) or the crowd was extra annoying. I can't seem to seperate.

For starters it was an INDIGO GIRLS concert... hellllloooo!!? Indigo Girls?. Snotty republicans, preppy straight couples, kids, pregnant girly- girls and 'the girls' don't mix. Half of the people there had probably never even heard of the Indigo Girls and these same people were taking up massive lawn space with elaborate props and annoying habits. There are a few things I never want to see at an outdoor concert where sitting on the lawn is the option:
Little kids, high heels, high portable picnic tables, real candleabras- lit, rugs, strollers, a set up that is the replica of their diningroom table and people dressed like they're at the symphony. I saw all of this and more on Friday. And here are a few things I never want to see at an Indigo Girls concert but usually do:
Straight couples (sorry), little kids, people who are dressed like they are at the symphony, old couples, gay men (it just annoys me because they are everywhere), groups of straight women, and traditional looking older lesbian couples... (the look is old school) GET SOME NEW JEANS!!!!!!!! that's all I have to say about that-
So I saw all of this at the concert Friday night plus so much more I can't or shouldn't go into for various reasons. All that aside, we(I) managed to have an ok time while we drank our beer, ate our fried chicken and lounged in our chairs. We saw some friends, made new friends and heard some fabulous music by Amy and Emily, but I couldn't seem to shake my mood. I was still angry from my conversation at work so instead of the crowd entertaining me it just annoyed me more. I struggled with this as I did my best to just sit with myself and keep my mouth shut, but I ran out of beer-

I have a hard time letting something go from my system if I don't have the opportunity to discuss it and on Friday night my anger just swelled inside of me. Unfortunately I let it out on C. Love by acting cold, heartless and 'short'. I hate when that happens. I was unaware of it at the time but I also knew things just weren't right. I just assumed it was the annoying crowd. We had the beer and friends to distract us from my angst but needless to say the ride home sucked.

Through all of it I still managed to pour on the charm when the women next to us struggled with constructing their 'table in a bag', I hate to watch people struggle so I offered to help. I guess it worked because later on when it was time to light the candles, once again the ladies struggled- they needed a match and guess who had one- yup, only this time they came crawling (literally) to me. I guess they didn't sense my negative energy flowing in the wind. That's good, I don't like when it gets out. It's hard enough to control it on this blog, let alone up close and personal.

There's something good in everything. I guess.

I'll get right to the point- we rented the movie " Imagine Me and You" the other night and the only thing I took away from it was the questioning of who one of the main characters was; her 'real' name is Lena Heady and as you can see she's hot.

Two things here: One, the movie sucked and two, whoever wrote it is living in la-la land. It was about this gay chick who 'made eyes' with a bride at the bride's wedding; tried to get with her for the next hour or so (movie time) and finally wins her heart in the end... during a traffic jam- strange, but it involved 'catching her before she boarded the plane- the 'I can't do this to you' getaway plane. A lot of people have called this flick "cute" but cute is for little fluffy kittens, chubby little babies and stuffed animals- not a movie about the girl getting the girl. This movie was just goofy.

It was easy to watch but I'm not sure why it was rated R because there was no sex, language, drug use or violence. Just flowers and kissing, like I said- boring. It was like the movie took place fifty years from now when falling in love with someone of your same sex wouldn't be considered such a big deal- it's just a simple fact. There were no issues in this one, no internal struggles and no anger- none. The bride's family even drove the car to help their daughter win the girl in the end, one big happy family. Fluff I tell you, it was all fluff.

You can let your kids watch this one, it makes falling in love with the same sex look as easy and pain free as making playdough houses. The real world it's not; a good-looking movie it is.

From JonBenet to wimpy women

Trinity2 started it- Here's nine more things that 'make me sick':

Recap: #1- Little kids who look like JonBenet Ramsey. I can't stand those beauty pageants and it makes me ill to know that mothers are doing this to their children. Plus the kids just look freaky.

#2- People who complain that they are 'broke' while they lounge in front of their 50" plasma HDTV watching "Wife Swap" as they discuss where to go for the long weekend... What?!

#3- People who insist (or anyone who mentions it for that matter) that a child brought up in a home with a man and a women is the best thing for the child and if it's brought up in a 'gay' home it will be detrimental to their little well being. And the guy saying this has abused his wife in front of his child. Now they make me real sick. Sick to my stomach it's so maddening.

#4- People who ever say "it's only a dog"

#5- Watching a woman struggle in the diaper aisle because: a) she's miserable- b) she's got a little one in her arms screaming- c) three more running around like crazy kids and last but not least d) she's fucking pregnant...again. This same women uses food stamps at the check out and is talking to her kids as if they were the most horrible things in her life. Birth control is so simple, is it not? I don't get it, it makes me angry-then sick because little innocent children have to grow up with this.

#6- Food fests. Any 'taste of' any city. The amount of food people shove into their mouths makes me ill.

#7- The amount of skin showing at Wrigley Field. There are more young women in bathing suit tops there than people who care about baseball. And Everyone around here is scratching their heads trying to figure why exactly the cubs organization sucks. Duh...

#8- While I'm at it that brings up sweaty skin on un-attractive smelly people in general. I hate going to the grocery store when it's hot out because people smell, look sweaty and it all happens around food. Makes me want to vomit.

#9- Public swimming pools. Especially if I notice a little babies walking around with only diapers on sitting in the shallow end... all I can think about is diarrhea. Disgusting thought.

#10 -Women who can hardly stand on their own two feet. Helpless women who can't think for themselves, refuse to use the muscles in their body, take the 'submissive' angle, or think their life is worth shit without a man by their side.

That helped- give it a try...

The need for speed

There's been a lot of 'talk' around feeling stuck, moving forward, sex and drinking lately in blog land and it's got me thinking. Well, not that I don't feel or think about any of those things on a regular basis but trinity2's post got my juices flowing a little faster than usual this evening.

She was talking about the adrenaline rush and not being able to turn the feeling off. Part of me thinks she shouldn't turn it off; that's what it's all about- the rush. Granted you can't necessarily live your normal mundane life with the adrenaline turned up to high but the fact you can actually feel your adrenaline is something to take notice of. I was thinking that that's part of my problem theses days; I have an issue with not living my life to its fullest. Lately my mind has felt like it's had restraints on it preventing me from my creativity and enthusiasm and it's driving me insane. The other day I said I needed a miracle to occur, some huge thing that's like life changing. I was feeling like I needed an outside source to wake me up, to kick start my adrenaline and get my creative juices flowing again. I don't honestly know what that could be exactly. Jokingly I was saying something along the lines of " I need someomeone to just say here's a new jeep wrangler for you- I can't keep it and I don't want any money for it." (my car is slowing dying and could actually die any day now-could be tomorrow.) Not that that would in any way be life changing, but it would stop cluttering up my mind with stupid nonsense like hoping I make it to work without breaking down. Fuck, I hate old cars.

I think what I was thinking was if someone handed me a new jeep wrangler I'd get in and drive nonstop to the nearest coastline, where I could actually breath- and think freely. I was telling trinity2 that I love speed but then a wave of sadness come over me in the middle of writing my comment because I realized I rarely experience that feeling . I don't downhill ski, I can't stand snow; I've never been on a rollercoaster, hate amusement parks; I don't own a sports car anymore, can't speed in the SUV and my piece of junk shakes if I go over 60. If you don't own a motorcycle or drive a race car how the hell does one get to experience a little speed?! I'm not interested in jumping out of a plane or drinking gallons of Red Bull either.

It's an inner jump start I need. I think part of it is a mental stimulation, or emotional... or something. Anyway, I'm not a simple, dull, unexcitable person and I think my soul is trying to tell me that. I just wish it would speak louder...

nap time

Even my run sucked today. I can't seem to focus on anything, feel grounded or 'sit with' anything lately and whenever this happens I always want to figure out why.

It's Monday and it feels like Saturday; I didn't have the Sunday blues this week-instead it'll be the Tuesday night blues; It's the 4th of July weekend and there isn't one kid in the park next door; We've decided to have a yard sale- a yard sale?... we don't do stuff like that, we just bring huge garbage bags full of stuff to the donation place; We just purchased tickets to some "L Word" event at the House of Blues featuring Betty (I hate them) hosted by Ilene Chaiken with appearences by the cast?... what?, in Chicago?. I have no idea ( it's a 'Gay Games closing party) You all know how I feel about the idiodic Gay games, but this is different. There will be no running or jumping involved at the HOB. Where the fuck is the sun?! My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, I can't focus. Usually running helps me focus, or music... drinking always does, but it's too early for that.

One of the problems was that we didn't have any plans set up for this long weekend except for a cookout on Saturday night. That was fun but kind of strange at the same time. For starters it was requested that I bring my piggies in a blanket to this thing. It's a barbeque, not a cocktail party!... what's with wanting pigs in a blanket? I don't get it. (That reminds me to do a post on issues I have with parties-the do's and don'ts.) Then I went to grab a beer- no summer brews and the first one I tasted had rasberry in it. Disgusting, I HATE beers with flavors. You can't have a party on the 4th of July weekend and not have any summer brews in the cooler! You just can't... I drank Corona all night. We ended up eating at a table with all men; gay men and all couples. It was nice, strange but nice. But once again I find myself wondering where the hell all the women couples are. Always lots of nice, good-looking gay boys around...

The party was fine; I drank too much again; slept it off on Sunday, and here I am on Monday. Things are strange lately for lots of reasons, one being that C. Love has taken the summer off from her part time job to focus on her full time gig. This is all wonderful, good stuff but the fact that she's home all the time now has thrown me a bit. Saturday used to be my one day to focus on myself and I no longer have that. I need my space. I love C. love, this has absolutely nothing to do with her, it's just that I don't have any time to be with myself and myself only. I don't do well without it, but I need to try to figure something out because things aren't going to change.

So no structure, a change in routine and four days off in a row with nothing to do. I remember when I was a little kid I used to focus my day on that damn nap. I had a nap after lunch everyday, until I grew up and hit kindergarten, but before that no matter what happened during the day I knew I could look forward to that little stretch of time after lunch. Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to chill out. I loved nap time, it put structure in my little day and centered my little universe.

I don't want a nap now, I just want the after effects of it.

convenience is everything

Random statements and thoughts on the way to, during and after dinner on Friday night.

me: What's for dinner?
C.Love: I thought we'd go out for dinner (Friday is usually take out)
me thinking to myself: shit, I just went for a run, I'm kind of sweaty and my bandana has just wrecked my hair.
C.Love reads my mind and says "you can keep your bandana on if you want".

Work sucked but I left at 3 p.m, came home and went for a run (or a jog according to afuntanilla)
Since we decided to only go to Siam Pasta which is a couple of blocks away; we were going to walk there and eat outside, I figured it would be ok if I just changed my clothes and washed up a bit. (gross I know but it was a short run and I didn't smell. The bandana came off though.

C.Love: It's too early to go to dinner
me: you're right, let's just relax and have some cocktails!
C.Love: let's open the champagne (it's been in the fridge for way too long)
me: really? are you sure? (she didn't want to the other night, saving it for the right time)
C.Love: I listened to your summer cd today...
me: what!! that's not ready for public use!
C.Love: public use?
me: well I just... I need to change some things, I'm not completly satisfied... well, what do you think? (waiting patiently)
C.Love: well, I don't like the first song or the last, but it's good, it's very good. (ahh, that hurts)
me: I know, I don't like that last tune so much either but it works and I didn't even honestly think it would fit
C.Love: no, it's a great song and it's perfect, I just never loved it all that much.

Making mixed cd's takes me forever especially if it's a specialized one like this summer one. I'm never satisfied, but this year's is pretty good. I like it allright. I'll post the playlist another day.

C.Love: let's put in on now
me: ok!

C.Love: Now that woman is wearing a WHAT TO WEAR outfit!- nice.
me: I noticed, but only responded with a "yup" but was thinking that she looked good. She had a tight sleeveless black shirt on, brownish type fancy pants with a large flare and good sandals
C.Love: Today I saw someone with 'fancy' capris on, she had a good look: the right shoes and a crisp white shirt.
me: (laughing at 'fancy capris') Yah, capris are ok in certain situations. Somtimes they work, but most people abuse the look.

me: so trinity2 wrote another top ten post...
C.Love: wow, she's on a roll with those
me: I know, I love it. It's weird how we think the same things
C.Love: like what?, what did she say?
me: well, like one of the things that bugs her is when people eat like they're an animal; all hunched over their plate, not sitting up, taking a breath or acting normal-like that guy over there. You know, they shovel it in as if they haven't eaten in days...
me: why are there so many strange people around-

We regularly discuss the blogging world. C. Love likes to be informed to what's going on with everyone, and I like talking about it. It cracks me up, makes me feel good and is interesting.

me: that guy over there is an abuser
C.Love: what are you talking about!?
me: he hasn't stoped talking since he sat down and he won't let that woman speak- plus he's ordering her whole meal for her.

I can't stand it when the guy takes total control and speaks for his date or whatever she is. It's strange when someone orders for someone else... unless they have laryngtis. This couple was odd anyway; something just told me he was some kind of an abuser.

me: I wonder if this place realizes they have one of the best outdoor eating ares in town.
C. Love: I don't know,but the tables are too close together. I'm glad we moved our seats.
me: I know, I hate that but it's off the street and up high. It feels like we're in a treehouse. It's cool.
C.Love: you're a good date
me: what? why, what are you takin about...
C.Love: you're funny, attractive and easy, just a good date! (saying it like she's just met me)
me: (embarrassed) thanks... you're not so bad yourself. I like looking at you...

C.Love: those punks got out of that van
me: vans are never good news (chuckle to myself at what I just said)
vans are never good news? what is that-

me: they need an ice cream joint around here.
C. Love: we have some at home
me: I know, I'm just saying...

C.Love: that was a fun night: good food, it was cheap and convenient.
me: yeah, convenient, I'm all over that. Love convenience.
C. Love: I know... (sometimes it's an issue for us)

C. Love: how many beers did you have tonight?
me: what? I only had one- at dinner. Two glasses of champage and one beer-why?

That's the last thing I remember saying, then I was out like a light.